THE ART OF TAKING A REALLY REALLY GOOD SELFIE
Okay so I degenerated and surrendered myself to the evil spirit of the ‘Selfie’.
I got to say, I look good.
I don’t know why I haven’t done this earlier. Man it is awesome, just taking pic’s all by my lonesome.
Duck Face, Mirror slut, pretending to be happy aside from the depressing fact that I am in solitude and have no other person to actually take a photo of me…It’s awesome. I feel great right now.
I engaged in a considerable amount of research before doing my Selfie photo shoot.
And what I found was that it is all in the forethought of the picture taking in question…
1. The most important key in getting a great Selfie is to first and foremost get your drink on.
Let all those inhibitions of ‘others opinions’ and ‘looking like an idiot’ fly strait out the window.
Connect with your inner self.
Feel the Selfie…Be the Selfie.
2. Get that damn Duck face down pat!
If at first you don’t succeed- try, try again.
If I can stress one thing, it is this, you MUST master that pose.
3. Look remotely skinny in that Selfie? POST IT!
Shimmy that body until you can get that perfecto pose where you look at least 10 pounds thinner than what you are. Kudos my friend you achieved that look all by yourself. You are pure awesomeness.
4. GO CRAZY!
Show all those Facebookers that you are a wild woman! You know what you want and that is a good god damn pic of your greatness.
Way to be wonderful!
5. Photo bomb the most unsuspecting people.
The fifth hint in taking a satisfying Selfie is to photo bomb the hell out of people. Make sure the accompanying party has no idea of what you are doing…This way you will always be the star of your own Selfie.
And, the unsuspecting persons will be Facebook famous there afterwards! Yay for them!
6. Be as coy as you possibly can
“Oh did I just take and upload a Facebook Selfie? Ah silly me…”
7. Use props whenever possible
No explanation necessary…Am I right Selfie takers?
8. Caption, caption, caption
Finally in my quest to capture the perfect Selfie I have discovered that captioning the Selfie in question can do wonders for the picture…
“Vanity is the essence of vainness and vainness is the essence of egotism…
“Anyone wanna come cuddle? I’m so darn lonely I had to take a Selfie…”
“Anyone want to come over and trade blouses? I gots lots to spare!”
“Oooh I’m so drunk…Why am I taking Selfies right now?”
“Well no one seems to want to hang at the moment, so I guess I’ll just write a blog post about Selfies…”
Selfies, The Next Generation
So the Selfie post I generated yesterday was a hit. The Mama racked up a whooping 430 hits in one day on it and this leads me to believe that you guys either really enjoy looking at idiotic pictures of me or, you simply love your Selfies…Let’s go with the latter.
I asked my readers to send in there awesome Selfie shots to The Blogging Mama Facebook page and I would pick the best ones to create a post with.
But I got to thinking and who am I to play God and start deciding which Selfies are the best?
These pictures are a part of you, they define you as a person, a being that roams this earth finding pure joy out of snapping pic’s of themselves. How could I, deprive you of not posting your unique Selfie?
Well that, and the staggeringly low amount of Selfies I actually received on the Facebook page…So I lovingly decided to post them all! And I found some extras too…If I put your picture up on this post and you didn’t know about it, I am just going to put this out there;
“You all gave me these picture at one point in our life together, so you can’t get mad…No givesies backsies…”
So without further adieu, ‘Selfies The Next Generation’.
1. The ‘I’m wearing a leather jacket and playing with my hair, so I’m a badass’ Selfie.
2. ‘I feel so awkward I’m going to take a Selfie’ Selfie.
3. ‘I had a long day…What of it?’ Selfie
4. ‘Now that I’ve had a little fermented beverage relief I feel comfortable busting out Duck Face’ Selfie
5. This is amazing! ‘This infant baby is taking a Selfie while getting smooched by an overbearing Mother!’ Selfie.
6. The Unaware Selfie. “Who took that picture, I don’t know…Surely it wasn’t me.”
7. ‘You idiots and your Selfies’ “This is how you take a real Selfie.”
8. The ‘I don’t care, I just want to take so many Selfies!’Selfie.
9. The pretending to be asleep while standing erect Selfie.
10. The best Selfie I have ever seen in my entire life. Not to mention the ‘I can’t make fun of this Selfie too much because she is extremely pregnant and I am a little frightened of her right now’…Selfie.
11. The ‘Listen to the words coming out of my mouth!’ Selfie.
12. The ‘Get me outta here’ Selfie…
13. A head spin ‘oh I didn’t see you there’ Selfie.
14. This Selfie has two purposes…Firstly it is the ‘couples Selfie’- A place where a union can show their love for one another not to mention how adorably cute they are together by taking a photo of themselves for the world to view and cherish.
Secondly it is the ‘edited Selfie’, in which it is just edited enough to hide those pesky blemishes.
15. The ‘In-Car’ Selfie.
16. Newest edition to our Selfie pose list, ‘The over exposed, fish lips’ Selfie.
17. The ‘Drunken Best Buds’ Selfie.
18. The ‘half Duck Face half going to kiss my baby’ Selfie. Well what can I say, she’s got the lips for it!
And, It just got awkward…
19. The ‘I’m dressed as a pirate’ Selfie.
20. The “Man I’m awesome at taking Selfies…” Selfie.
21. The “I have a creepy moustache and I want everyone to know it” Selfie.
22. “Okay Okay enough with the damn Selfies” Selfie.
23. This may or may not be a Selfie…
24. The ‘I got a real job and boy howdy am I ever going to gloat about it’ Selfie.
25. And finally the, ‘Oh for the love of god she is embarrassing sometimes…” Selfie.
So that draws us to the end of this segment of Selfies, The Next Generation. Do you have an awesome Selfie that you want me to make fun of? Perhaps you have a Selfie taking friend who you would like to give a taste of humility to? Or maybe your children take a lot of Selfies like mine do…
Send your Selfies to The Blogging Mama Facebook page, maybe you too can get ridiculed here on The Blogging Mama!
“I wrote the word ‘Selfie’ 45 times in this post…Oh how I love Selfies.”
Selfies…The Final Frontier
Ok so there I was having a really special time with all of your Selfies…
That was terrible way to start out this post.
My initial plan for this post was to capture all of the pictures you guys sent in for me and liberate them. I was going to do this by recreating them into such idiocy that the jist of the picture could no longer be taken seriously, thus healing the Selfie in question out of its pathetically remorseful state of Selfiness.
In these last few days I have been on a quest to understand the Selfie. I thought I had learned a considerable amount, but now as I try to recreate your Selfies, I realize I am still very much a novice in the Selfie taking endeavour.
Look at this god-damn Selfie. This is the Selfie to end all Selfies. To recreate this masterpiece would not only be disgraceful, but downright heinous.
But I did it anyway.
And do you want to know what I came up with?
This heap of garbage (and not to mention a bad case of burning retina)
‘Okay moving on’ I thought to myself as I meandered slowly through my home solely by memory because I was temporarily blinded by my attempting to imitate a Selfie I had ABSOLUTLEY no business imitating.
This work of art here…Oh yes, it may seem simple at first glance but I literally have no idea how she was holding the camera. Like, how did she do that? Getting that angle and that distance…Any seasoned Selfie taker knows that that kind of body-camera distance ratio is a very difficult to achieve. But there she is, all over that. Oh how I envy her abilities right now.
And then there’s me…
Look at me struggling to reach. So much that the extra exertion seems to be producing a very unbecoming double chinny chin chin.
Ok what do we have next here.
The reading in bed Selfie. Look at this girl- relaxed and all settled down about to get into her book. She is looking forward to getting a good read on. If I didn’t know better I would argue that this isn’t even a Selfie.
My question is this: How does one read a book and take a Selfie at the same time? It’s lunacy I tell you, absolute Lunacy!
YOU CANNOT READ A BOOK WHILE TAKING A PICTURE…IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Ok well moving forward, next topic…
This guy right here…He looks like he might just jump out of the photo and eat up your soul in front of your own bloody eyes.
And he looks like he might enjoy it too.
Do you know how difficult it is to get that ‘Am I crazy or scary’ vibe all from a Selfie?
Not an easy feat I can tell you that much.
So now we continue on to the lovely couples shot. The ‘I’m so friggen happy I can be cute and charming in just the perfect way’ Selfie.
And then there is Jamie and I…
Just plain disturbing.
The endearingly likeable Selfie:
Can we say creepy?
The Crazy hair Selfie…Note how pretty she still looks even with her ridiculously big hair.
Note how terrifying I look when trying to imitate her photo.
And one more time for the cheap seats in the back…
A: The gazing out the window thinking deeply Selfie…
B: The gazing out the window thinking deeply Selfie…
I don’t think it quite worked out as well for me.
When I received this picture I thought, “Oh good, drinking coffee-this is something I’m really great at in real life so I will without doubt be able to mimic my love for coffee into a Selfie shot!”
I think I may have overshot it…
No one is that happy in the morning.
last but not least I received this Selfie,
And I thought YES! This is my chance to really up the stakes and go down in Selfie history as an individual who can actually recreate at least one sound Selfie out of the mix.
And that was when my phone died…
“We all know that a phoneless Selfie taker, isn’t truly a Selfie taker at all.”
So here ends my journey from the magical world of Selfies. I’ve learnt some, I’ve lost some, and who knows I may revisit some in due time…But in the end, what I truly want to say to Selfies in general is,
Fuck You Man