Buck the f*ck up.

 

Tragic was the first word that came to mind when I thought of my morning. Except is wasn’t tragic at all, it was pitiful with a side of wallowing. I slept in which meant I didn’t get my one and a half cups of ultra-strong coffee and Facebook trolling time. I also managed to misplace my keys so as I was pining over my lost caffeine fix I was also madly running around the house looking for something to start my car with.

The roads were awful from the snow storm that so lovingly triumphed over us these last few days so of course everyone was driving like assholes. Including me I’m sure. We all seem to lose our good driving sense when the snow begins to fly, who knows, must be one of those weird collective-thought thingies. You know, like the Berenstain Bears phenomenon. If you don’t know what that is, look it up right now. I won’t be offended if you leave to Google it, I swear. It’s worth it.

So I pull in to the shop and I can feel the inkling of a mental breakdown on the outer edge of my brain. As I nearly chop off my finger while cutting onions for the soup a tiny voice whispers bitter somethings at my inner ear. It asks me what business I have doing a job like this. As I pull my cakes out of the oven to find they have somehow burnt on the outside and are still batter on the inside the voice cackles and reminds me how worthless I am.

But I’m trying my hardest, I say to the voice. I tell it that I’ve done well so far considering I’ve never worked in this industry before. I rationalize that most things I attempt turn out half decent. My confidence begins to waiver however.

I burn myself for the third time and yell, “FOR FUCK SAKES!” and chuck the empty soup pot into the sink. It clanks loudly against the stainless-steel basin which irritates me even further. The voice pipes up again. Stop kidding yourself. You’re no cook and you’re certainly not a baker. Jamie is the only talented one when it comes to this stuff. You are just here for the grunt work. It’s what you do best. It’s the only thing you’ve ever been good for.

Tears dribble down my cheeks as I look around at the kitchen. I’ve accomplished nothing this morning except scorching myself and perhaps denting our sink with my temper tantrum. I hear the back door open. Jamie’s here. I try to wipe away the wet from my face. The voice chants at me persistently.

You’re never going to be good enough and Jamie will resent you for it.

I know that it’s ridiculous. I know that none of what this voice says is true and it is just insecurity wrapping its ugly talons around my feelings. I know I’m worth more than what this voice tells me. But for the moment I am defeated. My husband walks in to find a woman broken down and emotionally beaten by her own silly reservations. I sloppily relay what the voice reiterates in my brain every few minutes or so. I tell him I don’t know what I’m doing. I tell him I feel lost sometimes. I say that I don’t think I am good enough.

I know what his reaction will be. He will tell me I am wrong. He will say that I am amazing and that he couldn’t do this without me. This is what we do, we hold each other up when the other begins to back step.

Being married is difficult. Being an adult is difficult. Opening a business where you’ve put everything on the line is totally terrifying. So yeah in the last year there has been many a meltdown between the two of us. Our secret to not falling totally and utterly apart? One of us always finds the strength to tell the other one to buck the fuck up.

This morning my best friend held me together for the umpteenth time in our life together. I won’t go into details (because my mother reads this blog) about what exactly he did to pull me out of my funk, but I will tell you that it was fun and it worked.

We all have moments where we wonder if we are good enough. We wonder if we chose the right path. We wonder if there is room enough to grow into the position we find ourselves in. I think the answer is always yes, regardless of circumstance. As individuals we decide who to become in life. But what makes that journey less painful, less scary, is having the people you love ready to pick you up when you falter.

This morning, as I sobbed into Jamie’s shoulder, he grabbed my face and told me to shut up. He kissed me hard and said, “Maybe you aren’t the best cook or the greatest baker but I went to school for this and was trained by professionals and I still have cakes that fall and eclairs that go to shit. We’ve built this thing together and we will keep learning together. We are in this together.”

So it wasn’t a tragic morning after all. It was just another morning where a life lesson presented itself. And sometimes life lessons—despite all the emotions and junk—can end up making you feel pretty damn great.

 

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We

You and I,

Sipping slop from red solo cups

Signing songs of love and lust

Under a blanket of twinkling gas orbs.

Ablaze with thoughts of what might be tomorrow.

Our bodies curl into each other.

My desires for future days dribble outwards

Into the frigid air of an optimistic summer night.

You speak of daring dreams.

The skin on my arm becomes goose-flesh as you touch me

And the both of us silently wonder

If that was from the chill air,

Or something more profound.

Your heartbeat tangles around mine.

And as though it was of no consequence at all,

The two of us, become “we”.

 

 

Here we are,

What seems to be

Ten minutes later.

Laden down with worries that stop us from breathing easily.

The baby is shrieking for no reason but to hear itself shriek.

A pile of unpaid bills is tucked away in cupboards,

Away from busy minds.

The two year old just shit his pants

Taking no regard to the hours of toilet training we pandered to last week.

We are tired but still

An hour commute is screaming at you

To get a move on.

However, you can see the smog of panic that just set in

Somewhere above my right temple.

It leaves me teetering on the precipice

Of a breakdown.

You don’t want to come home to find me

In the bathtub bawling with a bin of Ben and Jerry’s,

Again.

We wonder if it ever gets easier.

If we will ever find our niche.

We wonder if “we” are strong enough for this.

Can we make it through?

Can we defeat the doubt that begins to creep in from the corners

When the arguments over family, money, work

Builds this wall between us?

Will it wear us down?

Will it ruin us?

 

 

Here we are,

Sullen and sad.

Looking out over sacred green fields

Holding each other close

Anxiously clinging to memories made

With loved ones now gone but not forgotten.

The rigid crackle of leaves upon stone

Reminds us that life is precious.

Life is fast.

A magpie flies overhead and I look up to you.

Your jaw is ridgid, strong.

Your eyes, like always, are soft.

Without looking at me you reach for my hand.

Hours later, after sermons have been said

And our deepest regards given,

We hold our children close.

Despite them being at the age where that sort of thing is frowned upon,

They hold us back. For that, we are always grateful.

 

 

Here we are,

Bones brittle from years spent existing well.

Our hairs have turned like autumn leaves.

Our lives caught up in photographs

Efficiently arranged in a desktop folder

Named, “The Good ‘Ol Days.”

We sip tea spiked with whisky

From bone china once meant only to be looked upon.

We laugh and cry for days sped past.

We wait for the phone to ring,

But not too eagerly

Because we still have each other’s company.

A dreadful thing that nags at our innermost thoughts,

At the inconvenient times.

As I am reading my favourite Atwood story,

While you are looking up some current event

That spiked your interest.

We try not to think about that future.

It is a lonely idea.

Instead we pluck away through memories of

Bringing up babes, career days, accomplishments

The glory days.

I walk over to you and without thought,

You reach for my hand.

I get goose-flesh up my arm

Just like the first time,

The two of us became “we”.

Paninis & Writing

There is one thing you need to know before you carry on reading this little thing of mine. One thing that may or may not change your thoughts on whether this relationship of ours is going to go any further. One thing that might indeed change EVERYTHING.

Well this is awkward, it seems I’ve amped it up so much that I can never make it sound as awesome as it needs to.

So here it is: right now at this point in my life I have exactly three things on my brain. My kids well-being, the panini palace and writing.

A while ago Sophie told me she wasn’t exactly fond of me writing all of these, she says “embarrassing” I say “adorable” stories about her. So I will respect her wishes and the tales of the children will have to be kept to a minimal. Which leaves us with paninis and writing.

Hence, if you choose to continue frequenting this account you will probably be reading about a whole shit-ton of misadventures which Jamie and I find ourselves getting into daily at the shop. That and my ridiculous obsession with pop culture, I will probably throw that in here somewhere too. Example, Vampires. Another example: my love for Mindy Kaling…She’s so fucking cool.

Ahem, allow me to paint you a little picture here.

It was lunch-rush and busier than we’ve ever been before. INSANITY to be exact. But good insanity. Exciting insanity. We were running into each other like chickens tend to when their heads get cut off except babbling back and forth so perhaps more like a pair of challenged baboons. I was panting for the love of God! Panting! I’m so out of shape.

Then everything froze.

Now everything did not actually freeze to be literal, it’s not like there was some kind of super natural force which actually stopped time or anything. This was more of an emotional freezing moment where I looked at my husband and this sandwich kingdom we have assembled and I couldn’t be more honoured to be in this thing with him. Like, how did I become so lucky to have found a partner who I can raise a family with but build a business alongside too? It is nothing short of a miracle.

Time jumps back to reality and Jamie runs past me clutching his hand. He returns to the line a few minutes later with his index finger wrapped up like a mummy and two clear plastic gloves on over top.

“Did you cut if off? Do you need stitches?” I ask with not a hint of yarn in my voice because my husband has literally cut off the tips of his fingers several times before in his career and had to get them sewn back on. So this was a serious and vital question at the time.

“No I just sliced it down the middle.” He said. Then we disinfected what needed disinfecting (becasue a restaurant is nothing without clean and proper health standards) and continued on with the lunch-rush because stopping just isn’t an option these days.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a tough go of it lately. We are feeling the debt that we created when setting up the shop and it’s proved to be a lot more difficult than we anticipated to begin paying it down.

Of course, it’s all part of it. This is the big shebang of starting a business. Them’s the ropes, as they say. We get it. But if you’ve ever had debt hanging over you, if you’ve ever felt that suffocating fear of relying utterly and completely on your next day’s sales, your next week’s paycheque, I’m sure you can feel where we are coming from.

So today, this fantastic day that we were not expecting but eagerly hoped for had finally come! At one point as I slid in beside my husband on the line and poured a bowl of soup we caught each other’s eyes. He looked at me and smiled this smile that just said, “I may have just sliced my finger open but that’s okay because we’re doing it! We are making this happen!” and it gave me a stomach full of butterflies.

It was a long day, twelve hours to be exact with even more paper work and planning to be done once I arrived home that evening. When they say starting a small business ain’t for the faint of heart, believe them, they wouldn’t lie to you. **I don’t know who “they” are but they sure know their shit.

When Jamie got home we cracked a couple of beers and talked about the day. It was in fact the busiest one we’ve had yet and despite our aching feet and weary brains it was our day! We had done it. Sure there were a few mishaps but we recovered. We moved forward and now are ready for another day, and that my friends, feels fabulous!

 

 

 

Taking a Breather

Quickly I run the mouse over the red X in the right hand corner of the screen. If I am going to get anything done I have to pull myself away from the tantalizing grips of my Facebook world. As I watch the screen disappear I feel a momentary melancholy because all I really want to do right now is mindlessly scroll through a sea of Selfies and dumb political opinions. I don’t want to think, or read or have to conjure up anything from the foggy depths of my brain because I am just too damn tired for that.

It’s been about two weeks now since I’ve sat down at this computer and wrote anything at all. I force myself to put my fingers to the keyboard because whenever I happen to go this long without writing a sneaking fear begins to burrow its way into the better judgement section of my brain. What if I forget? What if I lose the ability to sling sentences? What if I lose interest in the art of wordsmithing altogether? What the hell then?!

As much as I don’t actually believe this will happen, there is a small part of me that will probably never let go of this completely irrational worry.

So here I am, writing. I don’t really know what to write about at this very moment but my hands seem to be clicking away at a good pace so I will just let them do the work I suppose.

Everything has been going pretty swell at the Panini factory. Our doors are open and every day we seem to be gaining more happy customers which is truly a beautiful thing. I think one of my favourite parts of this new adventure is meeting all of the people who walk through The Hot Wire’s doors.

A few have been back several times and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that our little shop is a place that people just like hanging out. This is what Jamie and I always envisioned when we talked about opening The Hot Wire. Now, it is coming to fruition and we couldn’t be happier.

Of course it hasn’t all been a pleasure cruise. For the first few days we were pretty dead. Like I mean NOBODY new about us at all. Here I was thinking I was such a marketing wizard with my awesome Facebooking skills. What I’ve learnt about Facebook advertising is that a whole lot of people can “like” your page and that does not mean jack when it comes to them coming into your shop.

On grand opening day we were packed to the roof with prep and bread from the hordes of people we imagined would be fighting each other (literally just destroying each other) to get a mere taste of our sandwiches. In reality we had about ten costumers. It was not very glorious at all. So in the days to follow Jamie and I would be mentally willing the people who walked past the front of our shop to pop their head in and take a whiff of the delicious treats we had on display.

Now, by “mentally willing” I actually mean awkwardly staring down anyone who came near our doors as we wore ridiculously large smiles and expectant expressions on our faces. We were probably scaring more people away than anything. I would have been scared.

However a few humans did brave the weird vibe we were giving off and ended up loving the food. This is exactly why you shouldn’t judge an oddball book by its cover people!!

And there it began, the infamous word-of-mouth advertising. Seriously it works like a charm!

Each day our numbers are growing. We are becoming more confident in this huge endeavour we’ve taken on. And damn does that ever feel good!

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Happy Valentines Day To You Too

As the kids made their way home from school, bellies filled with candy hearts and suckers made from red dye No. 5, I began to wonder about the inevitable. This being when they would finally realize that their father and I abstain from the remarkably popular holiday which falls on February the fourteenth.

I know what you are thinking; we’ve been getting the same accusatory statements for as long as our relationship has existed.

“Well he is just too cheap to do anything for you obviously.” Or “That’s just an excuse to be lazy.” Because apparently, the only people who are allowed to veto this day of cherub arrows and paper hearts are the singles that are loud and proud or the hipsters who tend to go against anything that falls into the realm of standard.

But the couples, oh the couples must celebrate—it is THE “Day of Love” after all.

Are you aware who Saint Valentine was? Because I wasn’t until this evening when I decided to write an article on Valentines Day and actually look into the man himself. It turns out he was not some horrific beast of a man that ripped out the hearts of the innocent to later feast on, like I had hoped—that would have obviously made for a much more attractive anecdote.

The year was somewhere around 270 AD, the place- Rome, and under the rule of Claudius the Cruel. During this time the emperor believed that there was a lack of soldiers because men were hesitant to go to battle while having wives and children at home. Which doesn’t make much sense to me…But who am I to argue with ol’ Clauds? To rectify this problem he placed a ban on all marriages and engagements in Rome.

A holy priest named (you guessed it) Valentine, thought this was downright despicable and secretly continued to perform matrimonies for the people. However it didn’t end happily my friends, spoiler alert—dude got caught. On February 14th 278 AD Valentine, later named a saint, was executed by order of Claudius the Cruel. It is said that while awaiting his execution he wrote one last note to the jailer’s daughter, as they had become fast friends in the slammer, and signed it, “From Your Valentine.”

 

…just like the ones that we hand out in elementary school! It’s all coming together now.

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Now please, if you still can’t get enough of this national card giving and chocolate binging day, please don’t let my catty and sarcastic remarks stop you.

I’m sure that at one point in history Valentine’s Day was a commendable idea. But now, here, I feel that the presentation of love should be more than that. What is so commendable about showering your spouse in red roses and special words because a date on the calendar told you to?

Love is about the deep sanctity of togetherness. It is finding yourself once again standing in a pit of obstacles and knowing you will make it through as long as it brings you closer to your person.  Love is not thinking twice about taking a chance on all of the things you hate about someone. Love is mundane and terrifying and exciting and usually pretty damn random too.

I simply cannot believe in allocating one single day to celebrating all of that. Shouldn’t that celebration exist each time you open your eyes to see that person you love sleeping next to you? (Drool and morning breath included!)

This feeling or celebration or whatever you want to call it should be present in each waking moment you know that there is another person out there who feels the exact same adoration for you as you do for them. Devotion is not made in a one-day-a-year offer so why should it be celebrated as such? It is the everyday splendours that reaffirm our love and keep a relationship strong and healthy.

If you celebrate Valentine’s Day for its true meaning and pay homage to the man that once sacrificed his life for young men and women to marry then I commend you! If you are using this day as a reminder to stop by the closest gas bar off your evening commute to purchase some cheap tulips and a card engraved with an even cheaper poem then please re-evaluate yourself before you devaluate yourself. Yep- that just happened.

For me, no amount of fancy dinners or cheese-filled cards can trump the spark that Jamie and I share each and every day. And if that is an odd way to celebrate our lives together…Well then, I guess we are just a couple of weirdo’s.

Lyndzee 369_edited-3

 

Lean on Me

This was a piece I wrote for Me Plus Three just before we made the big move. Now, the kids and I are in our new home (and settled in quite nicely by the way). However to assure that this transition went smoothly Jamie has had to stay behind to finish up a few more weeks of work. So needless to say I am very much missing my husband right now.

 

A moving check-list hangs on my fridge while I feel as though I am sinking into a bottomless pit of worries and stress. Damn stress is a nasty thing isn’t it? It can make a person crazy. It can make you sick and take away all of your good and common sense. It can make you do things you never would in normal day life.

I just drove Jamie to work this morning because right now to add to my delightful mood we are down one car. We are in the midst of registering the new-to-us truck but let’s just say there have been a few pit stops along the way. Anyways, as I was driving him to work a silent list of must-do’s usurped every corner of my thought process. I hear Jamie mumble something and I bark the word, “what?” at him.

“You’re in the wrong lane…This is a turning lane.” He again mutters because he knows how much I hate it when he backseat drives me.

“No I’m not,” I begin saying as I look at the road sign that hangs on the traffic light ahead of me. Sure enough I am most definitely in the wrong lane. Like seriously, how did this even happen? How thick can I be? Who forgets how to drive? There isn’t anyone behind me so when I get the green light I dart into the lane I need to be in all the while feeling like the greatest fool on the planet.

When the kids and I arrive back home I still have a looming checklist to get done and now I seem to be carrying around a newfound weight of self loathing. It sometimes seems like with every step of progress we make another twenty things come down on us. Life can be a major pain in the butt sometimes.

I sit down at my computer because even though I know I have little time to spare today, writing is the one thing that is going to get me through with a bit of sanity. There is a familiar sound coming from my phone. Jamie is texting me.

“I love you hun. Sorry I’ve been such a grump lately- we are doing okay and we are going to get through this stronger than ever.”

And he is right. We are going to get through this. There will be more stresses along the way. At some point or another I will probably lose faith again and the endgame will be difficult to believe in. I think about what we have accomplished thus far and I am so grateful to have my husband to walk beside me in this huge journey we are taking on.

“I’m sorry I almost killed us with my crap driving skills. Love you too sweetie.” I text him back. I can just imagine his smile as he opens this message up at work.

It is funny how a marriage works. When things get tough and one of us is finding it hard to cope it is almost a natural instinct for the other to stand up and find the strength to be a leaning post.

Whether it is a simple joke that needs to be cracked to lighten the mood or the words “I’m sorry” when emotions are running high. To me, this is one of the greatest strengths of mine and Jamie’s relationship—we know when the other really needs us.

There will always be disagreements. There will always be difference of opinions in the many ways of life. The pressures of stress will sometimes top us up with feelings of inadequacy and short falling’s. These are things we can be sure of. But the goodness will always outweigh these times.

Later that night Jamie and I cuddled up on the couch and put on our favourite show, The Twilight Zone. After a few episodes he hugged me and said, “You know, in fifteen years from now, when we are sitting on our private yacht in some remote tropical place, we’re going to laugh and wonder what we were so stressed out about all those years ago.”

“Yeah I think you’re right.” I replied.

“We’re a team Lindsay and when everything is said and done, it’s going to be you and me. There is no one else I’d rather grow old with.”

I wanted to say something but for once in my life I couldn’t find any words, he had literally said it all.

So instead I leaned into my husband and I kissed him.

Summer 61

50 MORE reasons I love the shit out of you…

Dear Husband,

Once you sent me a meme that told me you loved the shit out of me…Oh wait here it is right here:

jamie

This prompted me to write you a post revealing the top 50 reasons I love the shit out of you. It was all sorts of adorable and sweet and if I do say so myself, I really got the point across that I do in fact love the freaking shit out of you.

But that was then and this is now and I have an overwhelming urge to conjure up yet another 50 more reasons I love the shit out of you.

So here they are babe…

I love the shit out of you because…

  1. You are super hip and cool and fresh.
  2. You will have understood that last reference.
  3. We are old-balls.
  4. We are old-balls together.
  5. You laugh at my corny jokes.
  6. I actually think your corny jokes are hilarious.
  7. You are the only other person who can safely make fun of Lars and Sophie without risking a punch to the throat.
  8. You are cool with it when I dress our kid up like this…006
  9. Or this…soph
  10. Or when I sometimes dress like this…320767_10150416794551068_2019810557_n
  11. You don’t get mad when I tell you I will plug your car in in the morning and then I forget and you nearly are late for work because your damn car won’t start. You just laugh and make fun of me about it.
  12. You have allowed me to be such a high maintenance wife that we have had 3 separate wedding celebrations and two anniversary dates. Spoiled? Nah I’m pretty sure everyone does this sort of thing.
  13. You didn’t get mad that one time I was shaving your head and on total accident I shaved a line right down the side of your scalp…Sorry again about that- that definitely took a while to ‘buff itself out’.
  14. “Fish, and plankton. And sea greens, and protein from the sea. It’s all here, ready. Fresh as harvest day. Fish and sea greens, plankton and protein from the sea. And then it stopped coming. And they came instead. So I store them here. I’m ready. And you’re ready. It’s my job. To freeze you. Protein, plankton…” -Box
  15. We made the most beautiful (albeit sometimes annoying) kids on the face of this earth.
  16. You are super awesome sexy…Yep, I said it.
  17. You brainstorm with me when I have writers block.
  18. No Jamie I’m not going to write erotic fan fiction…
  19. You tell your co-workers not to go looking around in the external hard drive you lent them because your wife’s erotic short stories are saved on there.
  20. …you convinced me to write some erotic fan fiction.
  21. I realized I’m actually kind of good at writing in that kind of genre.
  22. You challenge me.
  23. I secretly wish I could be as cool of a person as you. Don’t tell anyone that though.
  24. You are utterly genuine.
  25. You are unaffected by today’s bullshit. (that is one of the biggies of why I love the shit out of you)
  26. “That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.” -Mia Wallace
  27. I kind of like looking after you when you are being a sick little baby from the dreaded man cold. You’re adorable when you are so sick like that.
  28. Drunk Jamie…That one is never going to change. He is outlandish and unusual and very very fun. But with that said- I’m glad he only accosts me once in a while.
  29. Drunk Lindsay is sometimes not fun and adorable like Drunk Jamie. And yet in the uncommon occurrence she comes out you still manage to look after her. Thank you.
  30. Even when we are mad…We’re not really really mad. We are just ‘I’m feeling like I want to fight but I can’t start throwing punches at my spouse so I will just sulk for a little bit’ kind of mad. And then within a few hours one of us gives in. Usually you. Because you are nicer than me.
  31. You are a way nicer person than I am. Whatever.
  32. You make me a better person. However lame that sounds, it’s true.
  33. We once made fun of the couples on Facebook who professed their love to one another…And now we are that couple.
  34. Pretty soon we are going to start using the term YOLO- or is that not in anymore?
  35. You are super awesome sexy…Did I already say that? Well double that.
  36. You are sweet.
  37. You are tolerant of me using our children’s baby pics to create hilarious memes…dtxng
  38. You write me love notes when I least expect them. img_11251
  39. “Weena!!”
  40. You open doors for me and pull out my chair at dinner. You are a true gentleman.
  41. The way you put the kids to bed without a moment’s hesitation when you see that I am captivated in one of my shows.
  42. Your understanding that I am a writer. And being married to a writer is a slippery slope or extreme mood swings and mental peculiarity- you’ve taken to it amazingly.
  43. You work so hard to provide everything our children need.
  44. Our children are your priority. You are an amazing father.
  45. Having to write this post has totally distracted me from working out.
  46. How you don’t tease me (too much) when you catch me taking selfies…Like all of the time.
  47. Our kids have totally inherited your uniqueness. 10712975_10152706206531068_5897407806186583241_n
  1. Butch:I think I cracked a rib.
    Fabienne: Giving me oral pleasure?
    Butch: No, retard, from the fight.
  2. Your charming good looks.

And the 50th reason I love the shit out of you Jamie is because no matter what the situation you can and always will be able to make me smile.

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Speechless

After all these years, I still become breathless

Heart skips, hips flip, palms drip

And I’m speechless over you.

When those eyes pierce me I get taken away

To a place, where we stole kisses in the rain

And life was just about our love campaign.

To this day, I can get lost in your lips

Hypnotized by the abyss, of moments lived

I reminisce of days when we would laze

In bed all day,

And again, I’m speechless!

I am taken away to youthful days

When you first grazed, your hand up my leg

My heart skips, hips flip, palms drip

Just like it was yesterday.

And after all these years you still make me speechless

My love for you is ceaseless,

It reaches, to lengths

Not breached yet.

And it may sound facetious

But you are my weakness,

Each time I find myself speechless from what you do

My heart skips, hips flip, palms drip

And I am speechless.

Whether it’s,

Late night romps on ball park bench tops

Wedding walks, or funny talk

You’ve got me, and I cannot stop

My heart rate racing, arms embracing, body pacing

All-encompassing love for you

And that,

Is how you continue to make me so damn speechless

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Speaking Out

Recently I’ve become interested in Spoken Word Poetry (obviously!). I’ve been You-tubing like crazy all of the different varieties of this art and finally decided to try it out for myself.

This is a poem that I posted a few days ago called, ‘In a World Like This‘. It is a poem about the insecurities of being an average woman in today’s world.

Now, out of the hundreds of takes I attempted once deciding to delve into this challenging art form, this was my favorite. And I promise with each poem I do, I will get better…

So go easy on me, it’s my first time!

Sticky Love Notes

I am not a technology person. So when I received a text message from my husband saying, “Hunny, I may have reset the computer on accident…” I had no idea what he meant.

The kids and I were out at my parent’s farm doing some tobogganing, mountainous snow hill scaling and wintry frolicking in general, when I received this text but didn’t really think much about it.

It wasn’t until I was driving home, that I realized what dire prospects of the word ‘reset’ truly held.  It was when I walked through my front door, Jamie had already left for work conveniently, and saw that the computer was turned off that my mind began to reel with the possibility of what may have happened. And it really hit me when I slowly watched the manufacturers settings appear on the screen, with a total and utter lack of documents, photos and programs that were there before.

Everything, the whole kit and caboodle had been erased.

Every photograph of the kids, each ridiculously posed picture of Helen, every loving embrace of Jamie and I were gone. I had had poems and columns wrote that were now lost in the oblivion of wherever unbacked-up documents go to die.

As I silently looked at the 6 large icons that now reside on our wiped clean desk top I felt amiss. I dropped to my knees whilst tears flooded my ugly-crying contorted face, and wept silently (it was not silent but loud gasping sighs of ‘why’ and ‘NOOOO’ into my weathered hands).

The poor children (why can’t I just think of the children in times like these) were terrified. Why would turning on the computer cause such upheaval in our Mama, I’m sure they were thinking. Why is Mama saying the bad words and repeatedly banging her head off the keyboard, they wondered.

And they must have really became frightened when I began speaking in tongues while spasmodically mentioning Daddy’s name and thrusting my arms up in the air in an irregular fashion.

I must admit that this incident may scar my wee ones- always terrified to touch any piece of technology in the fear that they will erase ‘Mama’s work’ and get the heinously boisterous show that they witnessed yesterday.

It only took me 2 hours to compose myself and after that, I pulled up my big girl panties and began to download the programs we had lost. I Placed the pictures I did have saved on the external hard drive back on the computer and reveled in the clean and wide open space that was now my ‘documents’ folder.

There were some pretty nasty text messages to my husband in the meantime, but after my anger had subsided a little more, I apologized for my sailor-like mouth over text message communication.

The poor guy felt awful, texting me hourly while at work assuring that everything was okay. And I was beginning to feel awful for reprimanding him for this, because mistakes happen…If anyone should know that, I should.

So I found this feature on the computer that I didn’t know was there… ‘The Sticky Notes’ super cool little sticky notes (yep it’s pretty straight forward) that you can write notes to yourself and stick ‘em on your desktop.

So I begin writing a whole shwack of them…

“I love you Mr. Brown”

“You rock my world James Alexander Jefferson Brown”

“You are the wind beneath my wings Jamie”

And so on and so forth…There was quite a few. Upon Jamie’s arrival home, he didn’t mention the sticky’s, all night he didn’t mention the sticky’s, although he did repeatedly commend me for retrieving most of our programs and photos for the computer.

It wasn’t until this morning that I saw all of my sticky notes had been removed from the computer’s desktop and one single note remained in the middle.

“You are the world to me luva”

If you’re ‘pretty’ like me, I will spare you the google trip and tell you that ‘luva’ is slang for lover (but now I realize how silly it is that I had to Google that in the first place).

And this morning while I sipped my coffee and looked at my sticky love note I realized that sometimes these seemingly devastating things happen…But in the end, there are much worse things that could come down upon us, than a few lost documents on a computer.

In A World Like This

He looks towards me, and says that I am beautiful

I want to rebut his adoring approval

As I wear sweats for pants, and the stank of toddler shit dances off my skin.

I haven’t showered today…Who am I kidding, I haven’t showed for three

Beautiful is not the adjective to use for me.

I find that my hair is up in a messy bun more often than not these days,

but I keep telling myself that that’s just a phase.

He walks closer to wrap himself around me

And again spits out the beautiful line,

That line- that line that I can’t for the life of me define

How can he find, this bedraggled person who stands before him beautiful?

The thought making me unnerved and rueful.

It must be lies

Because in a world like this, where the sought after women

Eat only steamed broccoli and the plain breasts of chicken,

I am consuming the leftovers on my children’s plates

From beef-a-roni to KD to crumbs from their cakes

In a world like this, where the women today have

Heavy make-up plastered all over their face

Without a wrinkle or blemish, not even a trace…

And mine is pocked with dots all over the place.

In world like this where the sought after women are glamorously clad

In skin tight dresses, on every television ad.

How can I stand up to the women in a world like this?

And that is when I feel his hands on my hips.

He looks directly into my eyes, and tells me

That in a world like this,

In a world that places so much emphasis

On an outwards appearance, with the menacing facade

of marketing ads featuring women’s counterfeit bods

In a world like this, where a woman’s breast

Can be transformed into a plaything upon her own chest

In a world like this where anorexia is fit

And women suffer daily from disorders like this

In a world like this, his words cut me sharp

In a world like this, “I’d rather a woman that causes me sparks.”

And he rubs his hand down the thigh I was just crying about being thickened over the years

And he tells me that I am truly beautiful.

And I believe him.

The Departure of Helen The Housewife…

So I had a little run in with our Helen, this evening. It was ugly, and unfortunate to say the least. It didn’t end well, I will tell you that much…This is how it played out.

The Departure of Helen The Housewife…

"Look Helen I'm going to have to Level with you here...You're fired."
“Look Helen I’m going to have to Level with you here…You’re fired.”
"HA! Oh Blogging Mama, sometimes I don't I don't really get your twisted humour, but this...This is hilarious."
“HA! Oh Blogging Mama, sometimes I don’t really get your twisted humour, but this…This is hilarious.”
"No seriously Helen, you are fired. I just can't keep up with your shenanigans as of late, and I'm going to have to let you go."
“No seriously Helen, you are fired. I just can’t keep up with your shenanigans as of late, and I’m going to have to let you go.”
"But why?!"
“But why?!”
"Are you seriously asking me WHY?! Well let's start off with the fact that you have neglected to do a Handy Housewife post for the last 4 weeks and when I brought it up to you, you took it upon yourelf to hack the Facebook page and tell our readers that you would write one and it would be posted within 24 hours...That was 3 days ago!"
“Are you seriously asking me WHY?! Well let’s start off with the fact that you have neglected to do a Handy Housewife post for the last 4 weeks and when I brought it up to you, you took it upon yourself to hack the Facebook page (while completely hammered drunk, I might add) and tell our readers that you would write one and it would be posted within 24 hours…That was 3 days ago!”
"Oooh, well that, I admit was an error of judgment on my part. But in my defense I was a little preoccupied with other things..."
“Oooh, well that, I admit was an error of judgment on my part. But in my defense I was a little preoccupied with other things…”
"NO! YOU HAVE JUST BEEN DRINKING WINE!!!"
“NO! YOU HAVE JUST BEEN DRINKING WINE!!!”
"Exactly...I was researching for my next Handy Housewife post...'The Wonders of Wine' Oh Blogging Mama, won't you give me one more chance to give the readers what they want...Nay, what they NEED!?"
“Exactly…I was researching for my next Handy Housewife post…’The Wonders of Wine’. Oh Blogging Mama, won’t you give me one more chance to give the readers what they want…Nay, what they NEED!?”
"Fine, but if you mess this up, and YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!"
“Fine, but if you mess this up, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!”
"Oh alright then...Way to put the pressure on, but I am in fact a Handy Housewife so I will conquer and prevail. So without much further adieu I present..."
“Oh alright then…Way to put the pressure on, but I am in fact a Handy Housewife so I will conquer and prevail. So without much further adieu I present…”

Handy Housewife Hint #005- A Handy Housewife always ensures her provisions are stocked for supply and demand.

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There comes a time in any Handy Housewife’s life, when the monotony and gloom of everyday life just sneaks up on her. Whether it be the kids hurdling feces at each other, a few extra pounds have been gained over the holiday season or, you have a bitch of a boss that won’t let you express your individualism through alcohol and threatens to fire you for doing so…No names will be named…

"Thin ice Helen...Thin Ice."
“Thin ice Helen…Thin Ice.”

The point is these daunting days do come about, every now and then.

What would you say if I were to tell you, I could make all of your ill-feelings and glumness just slip away to the outermost regions of your brain?

OF COURSE YOU WOULD BE ECSTATIC!!

With just a pop of a  cork  and a slug of a bottle you can be thrust into…Well this-

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Will make you happy,

like this…

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For todays post I have even prepared a little wordsmith spectacle by creating a Haiku.

Wine is wonder-filled

As it glides down to my gut

Please bring me more wine

"Taa Daaa! There you have it, the most wonderful haiku about wine!"
“Taa Daaa! There you have it, the most wonderful haiku about wine!”
"Are...You drunk right now?"
“Are…Are you drunk right now?”
"I am hurt, Blogging Mama. Hurt and disappointed that you would think so low of me to even inquire that I would be drinking whilst on the clock...Hurt and disappointed I say!"
“I am hurt, Blogging Mama. Hurt and disappointed that you would think so low of me to even inquire that I would be drinking whilst on the clock…Hurt and disappointed I say!”
"I am a woman of the Lord after all..."
“I am a woman of the Lord after all…”
"And an industrious worker to boot!"
“And an industrious worker to boot!”
"Not to mention I cook like a pro..."
“Not to mention I cook like a pro…”
"Helen...You have a glass of wine in each one of these instances. I feel that this only proves my concerns about you."
“Helen…You have a glass of wine in each one of these instances. I feel that this only further proves my concerns about you.”

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And as that crucial epiphany came to head, Helen let go of her struggle to stay in the mix. Gracefully stepping back and fading into this big ol’ blogosphere called life. No one knows whatever became of Helen- where she is, or if she will ever be back…And maybe, some may say, that is exactly how she would like it.

But I for one, will never forget our dear Helen.

Rest your mind at ease that with each disgusting old dish rag you refuse to throw out…Helens there.

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Each time you need a time out in the kitchen…Helens there.

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And in the shower…She’s watching you in there as well.

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So in end my friends, as difficult of a decision as it was for me to have to fire dear Helen, in retrospect it is a verdict I feel confident about.

And who knows…She’s a crafty old bat, she very well could slip into a post in future days.

And for now, I have heard a rumour floating around that she has a few friends who are interested in making guest appearances on The Blogging Mama.

So fear not my Helen lovers, the dysfunctional fun will most definitely continue!

If you’ve missed out on any of the last Housewife Posts…Here they are, in a nice and neat fashion for your viewing convenience.

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/11/meet-helen-the-housewife/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/handy-housewife-hint-001/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/handy-housewife-hint-002/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/handy-housewife-hint-003/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/11/03/handy-housewife-hint-004/

"Because a Happy Housewife, is a Handy Housewife."
“Because a Happy Housewife, is a Handy Housewife.”

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography

Handy Housewife Hint #002

Well here we are, another week has passed which brings us to the next instalment of The Handy Housewife. Here at The Handy Housewife the charming Helen will give us tips and tricks to becoming the kind of homemaker your husband can truly be proud of.

Handy Housewife Hint #002-A Handy Housewife will always ensure her allure is up to par.

Now, although the thought of ‘letting oneself go’ once finding that special someone is quite tempting, Helen our Handy Housewife frowns upon this theory.

Helen believes that staying at ones peak of physical attractiveness is indeed a key role in the continuation of a blissful union.

When commencing her beauty regime, Helen always inspects and harshly scrutinizes each and every flaw on her face.

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Mentally noting each miniscule area in which will need extra care in these next few pivotal moments of application.

Helen will then weep direly into the lonely mirror, silently wishing that her face still looked as it did 10 years ago.

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No amount of foundation can help you now Helen…

Once Helen indulges in some self medicating time, she is ready to move onwards and upwards.

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Helen believes there is a very fine line between whore make-up and  debonair housewife make-up…Helen urges you NOT to mix the two up.

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Unfortunately, when too much self medication is involved…

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Helen occasionally does muddle up the two…Possibly in reminiscence of her younger years.

If such an occurrence should happen to you; simply throw a hissy fit, rip out only the slightest bit of hair (assure this will not be noticeable) stomp your feet and then carry on.

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Now that the lovely Helen has released her pent up rage for reasons she doesn’t quite understand, she is again ready to move forward, getting back to the order of beauty.

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The Handy Housewife knows that lipstick is the secret to any triumphant boudoir escapade.

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And blush can be that crucial shielding layer that saves your money-maker from those untimely misfires.

And finally Helen is ready!

Ready to woo her husband into submission. Because clearly no man…Or woman for that matter, can deny the sexual allure of a gal who knows how to properly beautify herself.

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Because an unkempt housewife, isn’t a handy housewife.

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography

**And remember friends, The Handy Housewife will be returning every Wednesday to bring you more fun and fabulous ways to become the handy housewife you’ve always dreamed of being!

Helen The Housewife URGES you to Share The Blogging Mama Facebook page and/or This blog with all of your non-reading Blogging Mama Friends…

Share The Mama, Save the planet.

How to Preserve Your Happy Marriage

A great deal more is put into a good marriage than what meets the eye. As it has been said; it is about give and take, a two way street of sorts.

Whether it’s been 2 years or 20, every couple needs a gentle reminder sometimes of why it is so important to keep this union of theirs fresh. Today I’ve wrote some helpful hints on how to preserve a happy marriage.

First and foremost; Always…ALWAYS let her be the star of the show.

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Next, Allow quality time for friends…

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Men, make sure your lady knows how truly sexy she really is.

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And once you’ve finished all those thrilling activities with friends and told one another about the undying sex appeal you still have for each other, just take it all in.

Get back to the basics of life really.

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Make sure to find that happy medium. Love tends to pull, always make sure you pull right back. Keep it even to allow your spouse to know, you’re working as much at this as he is.

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Ladies, I’m not going to lie to you…Sometimes in life, a bunch of bitches will try to snag that man of yours!

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Do Not Let This Happen! I repeat, DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! You swoop in there…

By. Any. Means. Necessary.

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Follow the swooping, by punching somebody in face. I am no fighter…But in this instance it simply must be done.

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Come on Ladies, not only we like to be fought for!

And the result….

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From then on out, he will try his damndest to get away from any unwanted attention from the opposite sex.

Done and Done.

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And finally, whenever possible; situate yourselves to make-out in front of a willing group of individuals who will cheer and applaud you on.

It will give you this exhilarating feeling that really compares to no other and will completely diminish any doubts of your making-out ability you may of had.

Clearly if these people are cheering…You two look super sexy awesome!

* Disclaimer- None of the information in this post is meant to replace your having psychological assistance, if needed. If you are compelled to approach The Blogging Mama website with more questions or concerns about your marital issues, please look elsewhere since I feel that judging from the material you’ve just read…Seeking help from The Blogging Mama may be bit mentally unbalanced. And due to liability reasons, and the fact that you are probably bat shit crazy, The blogging Mama will be unable to direct you further in accordance to marital advice.

Tomorrow is the big day for Jamie and I.

2 whole years!

 I would like to wish a BIG, HUGE, ULTRA, Happy Anniversary to my wonderfully fab hubby!

You are still rocking my world babe…And, as long as we keep listening to the advice that I sloppily give out, we just may have many more years of happiness ahead!

Thank You for always being my everything and creating with me, our all!

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All photography done by Imagine The Image Photography.

Check out the site, you will not be disappointed, I sure wasn’t!

50 reasons ‘I Love The Shit Out of You’!

Husband, you are incredible.

Husband, we have had a rough go of it lately. We have been dragged down, ran thin and put to the test. But husband, we have got through it together, and we will continue on stronger than ever.

The other day you sent me this…

Jamie

I love the shit out of you too, no matter what life throws at us, I will ALWYAS love the shit out of you. And that is why husband, I have dedicated today’s post to you.

I love the shit out of you because….

1. Of your dedication as a father.

2. Your ability to make me smile, when I am so pissed at you. That stupid face you make…You know the one. It’s hilarious.

3. Your ‘old man’ mentality. I swear you could be 60, if it wasn’t for your charming good looks.

4. Your charming good looks.

5. The fact that you literally wiped my butt…(This is a very difficult feat, 2 days after a C-Section that went terribly wrong.) after the treacherous birth of our son. And you stayed by my backside side the whole time.

6.  Your sarcasm…As much as I tell you I hate this trait of yours, I really do love it.

7. Your family, whom has become my family; and a part of my life I now could not imagine living without.

8. Your intelligence. All of that knowledge that is stored within your mind, just waiting for somebody to listen to. I will always be that listening ear for you.

9.  I love your intolerance, yes that’s right you heard me. I love your intolerance because it gives us something to squabble about, which in turns provides us new insight to one another.

10. Your eyes.

11. The way ‘slapstick’ comedy makes you giggle.

12. Our first kiss.

13.Our second kiss, and every one thereafter.

14. The way you can make our daughter laugh. I am convinced that no one else can make her hoot that hysterically.

15. I really enjoy your strange skeleton feet, they were a bit hard to get used to in the beginning, but I’ve grown to love them.

16. The fact that you never complain about me blogging our personal lives for the world to read.

17.  When every so often, you will let this small spiritual side of you shine through…I love that so much.

18.  When you cleaned up my vomit after my first venture back into drinking red wine, following the long dry stint of pregnancy. It was a messy situation, and you dealt with it flattering.

19.  How you do not change when you are around your friends.

20.  I love how you let me pretend to be the boss.

21.  How you make me happy.

22. How you support me in my various endeavors.

23.  Your strength.

24. How you don’t complain when I nick you with the clippers when shaving your head. I just can’t seem to get it right.

25. How you have amiably stepped back from asking me to shave your head.

26.  In times of quiet, how you look at me with a love I can’t describe. Oh how I adore that.

27. The disoriented and weird manner you have, when I wake you up in the mornings.

28. Drunk Jamie…Oh how I love drunk Jamie, couldn’t handle him all of the time…But in the few instances he does surface, he is spectacular.

29. How you believe in our parenting, how you believe in us.

30. How you always have my back when I get in a pickle.

31.  How your kisses on my forehead have come to feel like home.

32. The way you baby me when I am sick.

33. The way you tell me to give it up, when I am going overboard and being a baby.

34. The respect you have for your Mum.

35.  The way you say T.V. (Teeee-V)

36. How you totally disregard the fact that I’ve asked you not to tickle me anymore.

37. The fact that when you do tickle me, I’m pretty sure you secretly hope I pee my pants, simply so you can make fun of me.

38.  How you’ve become so close with my family, despite your being different in personality types.

39.  How you read your World War 2 Chronicles book aloud to Lars, as though it is supposed to interest him.

40. The fact that the only decor input you had when moving into the house was that you insisted there be a World Map in every room.

41. The way you dance when only ‘Drunk Jamie’ comes around.

42.  The way you pretend to play your games on the computer, but are secretly watching Desperate Housewives right along with me.

43. How you get so uppity every time I tell you I did not like the movie ‘Hot Rod’.

44. How you sat through ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ with me…MORE THAN ONCE!

45. When you diplomatically put on Meatloaf’s ‘Hot Patootie’ to make me smile when I’m in ‘one of my moods’.

46. Your ability to deal with me…Enough said!

47.  The uninhibited love you have for our little family.

48. The 12 hour work days you toil with, simply to make our life more comfortable.

49. Your dreams for us all.

and Finally the 50th reason why I love the shit out of you Jamie Brown;

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3 words…Total. Trophy.  Husband.