Rage Demons Unite

Have you ever been so angry that you were shaking? Have you ever been so incredibly pissed off that tears streamed down your face and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it? Have you ever felt the intense power of fury rise up from your gut and envelope your being whole?

If so, did you sort of like it?

I was having a good ole chitty chatty with a girlfriend the other day (who I won’t name because I don’t want to inadvertently out her as a Rage Demon, like myself) and we were talking about this mysterious emotion which has recently befallen our everyday lives.

The smallest thing can set it off. There I was trying to get the kids set up online with their schools absentee website. I was attempting to download the app…because as we all know, there’s an app for that and everything else these days and the damn thing kept locking me out. Each time the error screen popped up after entering in the six digit code that they sent me a little inkling of rage would wriggle its way deeper into my better judgement.

“I know right!” My friend said as I told her the story, “and I’ve tried to do things about it. I’ve tried EVERYTHING! Meditation, healthy lifestyle, the works!” She explained.

Now this is where my friend and I differ. Yeah yeah, I try to control my rage because I don’t want the general populous to think I’m bat-shit or anything but there is a little part of me that kind of likes it. The rage, I mean. Like, okay I know how that sounds, totally demented right? It’s just that sometimes when the wrath unleashes and ferocity courses through my body I feel…weirdly at home.

It makes it even better (or worse, depending on how you are looking at this bitch) when someone close to you, perhaps a parent or a spouse, tells you to “calm down” or “take a breather.” Like, please, I beg of you, do not attempt to manhandle my emotions. However I can take a message and get back to you as soon as I’m done completely throwing a fit over whatever it is that has set me off this time. But if you push it and continue to tell me how to feel, unfortunately, I will be forced to be 100% the worst human being on the face of the planet to you. So, just leave a damn message.

As I am throwing my hands up in the air and summoning the deep guttural moans of a manic zoo gorilla enraged by captivity (Not Harambe, NEVER HARAMBE.) I guess I just kind of adore that feeling of pure vitality that rushes over my person. It’s like, “wow Lindsay, you are so out of control right now. It is impressive.” It’s almost as though I have an out of body experience and all I can say as I’m watching myself yell words that aren’t words at all but just offensive slurs and stomp around while the other humans in my midst literally dive out of my line of fire, “Bravo you beautiful bastard, you’re doing this thing right.”

Now I know what you are thinking as you read this. How can she make temper tantrums look so cool?

It’s a gift.

Of course there is always the problematic issues of loss of relationships, high blood pressure and shortened life span when it comes to routine rage’n.  Perhaps that is just the price one pays for such thrills.

Who knows! Ahh the mysteries of life.

Still haven’t downloaded the absentee app, if you were wondering. But I’m saving that baby for next time I have a hankering for a frenzied rage sesh.

So, moral of this blog post….

Hahaha I’m just kidding, there is absolutely no moral here my friends, not even if you dig really really deep.

Let’s Share!

If you are a fellow Rage Demon like me, what are some of your triggers? Here’s a few of mine!

-People who whisper when partaking in non-whispering conversation.

-When the last of the school designated snacks have been devoured without me knowing and I have to use my creativity to pack lunches ten minutes before school.

-When two minutes after scrubbing the bathroom someone takes a shit and leaves streak marks of their bowel movement behind for proof.

-technology of any sort at any given moment.

-When anyone tells me to do anything that is not on my current agenda.

-People who disregard all forms of punctuality.

-People who take blog posts seriously.

(except for this one…this one is totally serious.)

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8 Ways to be a Good Customer (and avoid the bad juju)

Ahh the joys of customer service. *she says as an involuntary twitch travels over her left cheekbone.*

I suppose this vocation needs no real introduction because all of us, at some point in our lives, have probably partook in such means of work.

Except, maybe that’s not true. Maybe, there is a portion of human beings who have never had to take an order, clean up after someone or do anything remotely of the sort. Because, correct me if I’m wrong here, I feel like if everyone knew what it was like to work in customer service, well, there just wouldn’t be as many delusional asshat customers as there are.

But that’s not the way we humans work is it? I’m as bad as the next guy. Just a few weeks ago I was a total jackass to the cashier at the gas station because they had changed their pumps to prepay and they hadn’t thought to reach out personally to me and let me know this vital information in advance.

Why did I feel the need to stomp around like a friggen maniac because I had to go in the store and pay before pumping my gas? Now looking back it was outrageous of me and I hope to God that the gas-bar attendant got a good laugh in at me on account of my temporary insanity.

However, I received all of that bad juju and more in karma today at work. It was pretty much a day from hell. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I need me some redemption, I need to make things right again in the universe. I can’t deal with anymore “hell-days” so I’m here to right my wrongs.  

So here it is. Redemption.

A list. Because everyone loves lists.

8 Ways to be a Good Customer (and avoid the bad juju):

  1. When entering a business location if greeted, it is wise to greet back in a friendly/polite manner…as is, and has always been the social norm since, well, pretty much forever ago. When one does not greet back it is awkward and makes actually no sense at all; leaving the greeter to conclude that they must be in the midst of a total fucking chode-monster.
  2. Do not, under really any circumstances, ask the person behind the register if, “anything is good here.” It’s a completely senseless question. Like, I’m not sure what you expect the answer to be but in pretty much every scenario, whether it’s an employee/owner/volunteer, they are probably going to tell you that the product is good. Even if it is some little shit employee, they aren’t risking their job to tell you all the gruesome truths and malevolent corporate secrets of this establishment. Sorry to break it to you, but nobody is going to think twice about spewing out some rehearsed line, “of course it’s good…Everything is good here at Daisy Dukes Dildo Shack.” So save everyone a lot of weirdness and just don’t ask and judge for yourself.
  3. This one is more for just the food service industry so it pretty much involves everyone on the face of the planet. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, go into an eatery during lunch/dinner to inquire about anything other than eating right then and there. No, they do not want to hear about your cutting edge new knife product. No, they are not interested in your organic vegetables. NO, they cannot give you a minute of their time. Why you ask? Because they are balls to the walls busy with people who are actually spending money at their establishment. Try again in the downtime…or don’t, nobody cares.
  4. Do not treat a cashier any different than you would treat the owner of a business. Plain and simple.
  5. Many of us like to talk about only eating and shopping locally. It’s great. It’s actually fantastic because it is a community minded way to be. I applaud you for that. The thing is, when you shop/eat locally that often means you are doing so at tiny Mom and Pop businesses. Sure they may have fantastic food and yeah, I bet every lunch hour that you go in there they are just hopping busy. That doesn’t mean (even in the slightest) that they can afford employees. So, before offering your breadth of knowledge just know that the last ten customers probably said the same, “looks like you need to do some hiring” spiel before you. And despite the general consensus of these people who have never come close to seeing the financial books of this establishment, unfortunately, that doesn’t make their suggestions even a little bit more attainable.
  6. Sometimes businesses run out of stock. Don’t argue with the staff about it. If they are out they are out. No amount of “well this is ridiculous!” will change that.
  7. If you notice a customer in front of you being a right ol’ bag-O-dicks to the cashier, please by all means, say something. It is in fact your business as a human being to stop the blatant verbal abuse that customer service people endure daily. Be the difference.
  8. If you’re sort of shy and non-confrontational, that’s okay too, once the cashier has so aptly moved the smacktard on his way, show the person behind the till your solidarity by rolling your eyes and saying quietly, “what a jive ass turkey that slime ball was” and then promptly pull yourself out of the 70’s and continue on with your day.

 

Heed these words my friends! And know that out there somewhere there is a retired front desk associate wearing an avenger’s shirt that is two times too small bottling up karma, watching and waiting for the perfect moment to throw it in the face of some twittlefuck who has told off his last cashier.

In other words, the bad juju’s a bitch, and she’s coming for ya.

 

30…Things…About approaching 30 and settling down

 

1)      Your confidence is blooming- hell you’ve been on this earth for nearly 30 years! Why has it taken this long to start coming into your own? Regardless though, you are jacked about it! Go out there and strut your stuff you sexy thang!

2)      Your taste pallet is evolving- maybe you’ve always loved food, or maybe you haven’t. The point is now you are officially a grownup; not a 20-something but a real live adult. And you should try new things such as different foods. And you realize that new stuff actually can be interesting and fun.

3)      Your body is thanking you- Remember the days of living off nothing but beer and corn chips? Yeah me too. I miss those days with a fond envy. But alas they are gone. Now are the days of exercising for an hour each morning and replacing big macs for Greek yogurt. And however much this new mature lifestyle saddens you from time to time- your body is ecstatic about it.

4)      A new appreciation for old friends- You’ve always known how much your bestie has meant to you- yet now as you both approach this new chapter in life you find yourself becoming disgustingly nostalgic about all of the ‘good times’ (idiotic times) you and your friends have been through.

5)      Your idea of fun has changed immensely- In your early twenties you couldn’t wait to get out there and party all night at the hottest most jam-packed clubs. You wanted to be enveloped between other people’s sweaty bods on that dance floor and get your groove on. Now the entire concept of the club scene disgusts you. You have much better things to do with your precious time these days. Which brings me to my next point…

 

6)      You find yourself reverting back to your prepubescent self- Rather than clubbing, drinking till dawn and literally partying your ass off you see much more fulfillment in hunkering down with a big bowl of popcorn (sodium free and low fat) and watching your favorite movie. Which just happens to be the Lego movie…

7)      You have become the thing you hated most- I can vaguely remember a time when I would politely nod my head and smile an obviously fake smile when having been put through the absolute agony of listening to other people tell me stories about their children. In current days I do exactly this for a fucking living. WHAT HAVE I BECOME!?

8)      Your appreciation for the finer things ripens- In your teens and early twenties did you ever give a flying fuck about the beauty of a field of wildflowers? Did you ever stop on the side of the road to take a picture of the perfect sunset? NO of course you didn’t because you had places to go and people to see! Nowadays you seem to have all the time in the world to appreciate these once seemingly insignificant things of life.

9)      You poop regular- enough said. You. Poop. Regular.

10)   You have become either a better dancer…Or you simply don’t care anymore- When you do go out, whether it be for a wedding or some other type of mature festivity you rock your bod (only almost 30’s will probably get that last reference) on the dance floor and you don’t care who sees it!

11)   You chop your hair off- Maybe it is just me but in my experience of being and hanging out with almost 30’s there is a lot and I mean A LOT of talk about chopping the hair off because it makes us look younger. Or more respectable…There is a plethora of reasons why so just get on board with it people.

12)   SEX- Sex used to be this steamy sort of topic; chalk full of naughtiness and faux pas. Just talking about it was the ultimate turn on.

Now sex is a 7 minute midday quickie on the bathroom counter because it is the only room in the house that has a locking door.

This takes place while the children’s fingers creep eerily under that door whilst asking, “Whatcha doing in there guys?” from the other side.

And in correlation with above point…

13)   The words ‘let me take the kids for the night’ from your friends and family becomes the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard- That’s right, those few simple words make all the difference in this almost 30 and settling down life. It means a nice romantic night of couch cuddles and YouTube binging, going out for dinner and realizing you are drunk after three singles. Or, if you’re really looking to get crazy doing some much needed deep cleaning (this sounds dirtier than I intended it too, I literally mean deep cleaning the house) which is much easier without the little ones.

14)   You are astounded when an episode of Friends comes on in which you haven’t seen- you then shed a tear of happiness for the anticipation that exceeds all other possible emotions in that exact moment.

15)   You no longer feel as though you may puke in job interviews- I suppose this ties in with #1 and your confidence. But in your mature and wise ‘old’ age your coolness in your chosen career is so astounding that you actually begin to interview your potential employer. This results in one of two outcomes. You get the job right there on the spot due to your spectacular self-assurance or they escort you out of the building and politely ask you not to return.

16)  Sayings like “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” ~Chili Davis, begin making way too much sense to you.

17)  Removing the couch cushion covers and vehemently washing them while muttering curses towards the seemingly disgusting other human beings whom share your home becomes a monthly tradition- And it sucks.

18)  You tell yourself that you will speak your mind from now on- You immediately feel guilty for speaking your mind and hurting peoples feelings.

19)  You continue to jump blindly on board with internet fads- Possibly this is a vain attempt to seem younger but with each ‘naked face selfie’  ‘ending fat bashing campaign’ or other like topics you find yourself hoping right on board.

You later realize it is all a bunch of ridiculous bullshit and try to erase all evidence of your participation. Which you forget is impossible because it is “on the line”.

 

20)  You mockingly say things like “Is that what the young folk are doing these days?”- But it is not as funny since on some level you are actually wondering if in fact that is what the young folk are doing these days.

21)  It frightens you to see all of your favorite childhood shows on Teletoon Retro- And yet you have this odd pride that swells within you that your child would rather watch these shows than the crap they come up with nowadays.

22)  You find yourself getting odd looks of contrition when using words like “Super-duper” “Sweet” “That’s wizard” or “No doubt” amongst the younger crowd- But you feel lost without these turn of phrases as you surely cannot use the lingo these youngsters are using. So instead you resort to this…

 

23)  You have begun eating the heel of the loaf of bread- And thoroughly enjoy all the nutrients you are getting from that crusty goodness.

24)  You tell people you only have a Facebook to ‘keep up’ with everybody from high school- In other words to creep on your ex’s and see how much better you are doing than everyone else.

25)  You stop deliberating so much about what others think of you and start caring more about what you think of yourself- Oh no this post is taking a sentimental turn for the worse!

26)  You become a know-it-all despite how much you’ve always loathed this breed of person.

27)  You become obsessed, and I mean obsessed with OITNB- I just had to throw this in there…Like seriously…Best show ever!

28)  Things you once found hilarious, you now find dreadful- Things like Family Guy, You-Tube vids of people falling and crashing into things (I’m pretty sure I’m watching people dying or getting seriously injured here…Remind me how this is funny?) Or young children (particularly your own) reciting Tampax commercials- how is that much TV viewing even possible?

29)  Crying over children’s movies- I don’t mean to lament over this Lego Movie but COME ON! It’s just the best moral to a children’s flick I’ve seen since the friggen Fox and the Hound! OH GOOD GOD I’VE STARTED CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

30)  And finally- The dismaying realization that it was not nearly as difficult as expected to write a list of thirty…erm, things about approaching 30. It was actually quite easy. A little too easy…

I supposed that proves it; 30 is just around the corner.

And we are all more than ready for it.

Drinking Gin and Making Flower Beds

 

Well it’s that time of year again my friends, the gardening season is in swing and The Blogging Mama has been busy! Today I will be giving you a sweet and simple tutorial on how to construct a flower bed out of the squalid conditions that is the drab and droll side of your house as well as some handy tips on how to keep your garden blooming bright.

First off let me elaborate on what in fact we will be working with today…

DUH DUH DUH! Oh for the love of God, how boring, how lackluster, how dreadfully tiresome this side of the house looks!
DUH DUH DUH! Oh for the love of God, how boring, how lackluster, how dreadfully tiresome this side of the house looks!

Step 1 in creating a wondrous new flower bed:

Assure you have excellent tools to work with.

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Step 2  in creating a wondrous new flower bed:  

Use a garden hose to trace out the perimeter of what you would like your new bed to look like. Unfortunately I do not have a picture of this because the ingenious idea to make this into a blog post did not come to me until later in my quest. Never the less it is not difficult just trace that shit out.

Step 3 in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Once mapping out what glorious shape you would like your bed to be, begin edging it with an edger or flat head shovel. Again I do not have picture but I can assure you this is the easy part. Simply dig into the sod along your outline. It’s not rocket science.

Step 4  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Now comes the exhausting part. Hopefully you have a good set of pipes on ya because this shit is going to need some muscle power. Begin ripping the sod out in strips. It will be heavy, and you WILL find some creepy crawly creatures under the surface.

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Step 5  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Mourn the dead lady bug you find in the soil.

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Step 6  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Get over it and move forward. Continue to rip sod out while simultaneously searching for earthworms. They are great little critters to have in the flower beds as they do wonders for the soil.

Thank you wormy for being such a great contributor to this new wondrous flower bed.
Thank you wormy for being such a great contributor to this wondrous new flower bed.

Note: Allow your hands to really get in there and feel the soil…You wont be sorry you did (until later in the evening when you are attempting to scrub the dirt from under your nails cursing the fact that you did not wear gloves while constructing your wondrous new flower bed). 

Get the children involved in the worm searching process. Kids have some kind of weird sonar for those slimy buggers.

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Finally come to the realization that it is odd that you are so accepting of worms…When these dudes just make your skin crawl.

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Step 7  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Use edging to assure grass will not travel back into your new wondrous flower bed. $T2eC16hHJFoE9nh6qS4YBRCS9OqC+!~~60_35

Line the outskirts of the bed with this while mounding soil against it so it does not move out of place.

Unfortunately edging does not work as well as the ‘MAN’ would like us to think, so you will more than likely still have to weed your garden of grass and junk.

Add fresh top soil and compost to the bed to guarantee a garden full of nutrients and glory.

Step 8  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Have a momentary nervous breakdown when you realize you still have to place the rocks for your border around the bed. But instead of throwing a hysterical tantrum on your front lawn where all your neighbors can see you and will assume you are headed to the nut house sooner rather than later…

 

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Pull up your big girl panties and gather the fucking rocks. Then place them strategically around your flower bed in an aesthetic manner.

Step 9  in creating a wondrous new flower bed:

Attempt to ignore the searing pain that has now encompassed the entirety of your lower back. To take your mind off this heinous throbbing decide to choose what type of flowers you would enjoy in your new wondrous flower bed.

I chose 4 foot Hosta's to fill up the space to create a spectacle of awe when one will glance down my once dreary house side.
I chose 4 foot Hosta’s to fill up the space to create a spectacle of awe when one will glance down my once dreary house side.

Keep in mind your garden may not look full right off the hop but it does not take long for those plants to take flight and soon you will be swimming in a treasure trove of foliage and flowers.

Voilà, and there you have it! Your wondrous new flower bed. 

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And I almost forgot, step number 10 in creating your wondrous new flower bed…

A nice STRONG Gin and tonic to finish the job.

I deserve this...I am just so damn awesome.
I deserve this…

 

For more wondrous flower beds created by The Blogging Mama…Just keep scrolling!

Shade garden under the steps of the deck with Fiddle-head Ferns.
Shade garden under the steps of the deck with Fiddle-head Ferns.
Bleeding Heart
Bleeding Heart
Front door decor (boy howdy am I ever clever)
Front door decor (boy howdy am I ever clever)
Mint in a pot
Mint in a pot

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A rock garden I recently had to redo as some advised me it resembled a large penis with an over-sized scrotum...Needless to say I will be thinking more closely when it comes to my design ideas from now on.
A rock garden I recently had to redo as some advised me it resembled a large penis with an over-sized scrotum…Needless to say I will be thinking more closely when it comes to my design ideas from now on.
The fix job...Some still say it looks like a penis only now proportionate with the ball-sack but sliced halfway down the shaft.  I say, you can't please everyone!
The fix job…Some still say it looks like a penis only now proportionate with the ball-sack but sliced halfway down the shaft by a fence.
I say, you can’t please everyone.

And on that note I will bid you all farewell and hope you enjoyed my terrible tutorial skills on how to make a wondrous new flower bed for your yard or anyplace for that matter.

Remember practice makes perfect so get out there and start tearing up some grass!

 

A few things no one told me about being a parent

 

1)      How the first cries after birth would be the most relieving sound in the world.

2)      The extreme vexation I would feel when some brazen asshole would tell me my newborn’s smiles were in fact just gas.

3)      How I would become one of those fanatic breastfeeding mothers, and miss it immensely once stopping.

4)      The boundless displeasure I would feel when an individual would not comment on how adorable, cute, perfect, or sweet my baby was.

5)      How indefinably hilarious it could be to be puked on from above.

6)      That feeding a baby solid foods for the first time would be a nerve-racking yet exciting exploit.

7)      How the novelty of feeding a baby solid foods soon wears off.

8)      How listening to the first giggles of my children would be the sweetest sound I would ever hear.

9)      That having kids could make me entirely fearless and desperately fearful at the exact same time.

10)   How finger painting is actually a very enjoyable pastime.

11)   How I would learn home remedies on how to get almost anything out of a carpet.

12)   How the first time I saw my child take his first steps I would think, I could never be prouder.

13)   That each time I saw a milestone reached I would think I could never be prouder.

14)    Always, always being prouder with each momentous occasion, big or small.

15)    That I would not cry on the first day of school, but marvel in the idea of novel beginnings and bright new futures.

16)   How finding places for all of the artwork would be one of my greatest tasks in their young lives.

17)    Feeling the overwhelming angst to punch out a five year old when learning of his bullying towards my child.

18)   Coming to the realization that I cannot punch a five year old.

19)   Learning just how far positive verbal communication can go, and how much I would use it in my parenting career.

20)   The aggravation I would feel when an older kid would try to boss around my daughter.

21)   The relief I would soon after feel when she ignored him and went on her merry way without batting an eyelash.

22)   The awesome respect for my own parents that would hit me like a ton of bricks once beginning in on this child-rearing journey.

23) How I would look forward to play-dates more than the children would. 

24) How watching them grow and mature and become their own little people with their own unique personalities would be the most rewarding thing I will ever do.  

 

And one more thing I was never told about before blindly running into this thing called parenthood, was how much I would mature with them. 

And how much I would come to love the person they have helped me grow into. 

 

The Pre-Pap Prep Plan!

UH-OH the doctors office just called…You’re due for your yearly check-up! Oh no, you don’t even have a Pre-Pap Prep Plan! Have no fear my friend, The Blogging Mama has got you covered.

Follow this list of 39 confusing and insane instructions and you will do just fine!

The Pre-Pap Prep Plan:

1. Stand in the shower the morning of looking awkwardly down debating whether or not to go all out and fully shave in preparation for the ol’ doc or just trim it up so you don’t look too overzealous.

2. Stress about number 1 for over 30 minutes or until running out of hot water and eventually saying “Screw it! He can deal with the bush monster!”

3. Make a pathetic attempt to find a babysitter for the children and secretly hope no one can do it having an excuse to cancel.

4. Your Mom and/or best friend will definitely come through for you at the last minute because they care about the well being of you and your lady parts.

5. Slowly drive to the appointment. So slowly in fact that the traffic behind you begins honking furiously at your dawdling.

6. Before getting out of the vehicle extend your nose as close as possible to the area of examination to ensure there are no strange smells exiting the crotch-al region.

7. Prepare to spray perfume in that general locale if stench exists.

8. Hopefully no odour will be detected.

9. Be Thankful that did not work out the way you thought it might, because spraying chemicals at that delicate area seems like a bad idea upon recall.

10. Upon entering the building, the smell of sickness will hit you like a rhino in heat (because obviously everyone can imagine what that would feel like) you may have the overwhelming urge to run.  

11. You must think of your private parts health and carry on with your duty.

12. “Hi I’d like to get a Pap smear please.” You will say loud enough for the entirety of the waiting room to hear.

13. You immediately will realize that that was an unnecessary sentence to say to the receptionist.

14. And after probably the most ill-at-ease admittance in the history of the doctor’s office you will be declared to wait in the small room in which the deed will be done.

15. The nurse will advise you to get undressed. Tell her you are really comfortable with your body because you’ve had a kid, so you don’t care if she leaves.  

16. She will leave.

17. Get undressed extremely quick because you don’t want just anybody opening the door on accident and there you are standing buck ass naked for the whole doctors office to see…And then realize you are not at all comfortable with your naked body.

18. Sit up on the table and wonder how many other naked people have laid upon this paper sheet.

19. Come to terms with the fact that the sheet that they provided to cover your bottom half is not very big and half of your ass is hanging out…

20. Recognize that it may be time to activate the winter work out plan again.

21. Immediately become concerned that you have been waiting too long and wonder if they have forgotten about you.

22. Begin to stress out completely that they in fact have forgotten about you and debate getting up to call out the door to someone.

23. Then remind yourself of the tiny covering and realize you cannot open up that door of sanctuary if wanting to conceal your blooming buttocks.

24. Engage in a battling conflict with yourself whether to take the chance of getting up to use the cell phone that rests in your purse on the other side of the room to call the front desk or not. The doctor will walk in at this point. 

25. Produce mixed feelings as you’re happy for not having to wait any longer but now know what will be next.

26. “Hi I’d like to get a Pap smear please.”

27. Don’t actually say it, but think it, which will make you begin laughing out loud (for you young folks reading this ‘LOL-ing’) this in turn will allow the doc to assume that you are bat shit crazy.

28. He will ask you to lay down. Do it.

29. He will ask you to scooch down to the bottom of the table and place your feet in the stirrups. Do that too.

30. He will say you didn’t scooch enough and to scooch even further down…Jesus you are a terrible listener. He will get mad at you because apparently you don’t know the meaning of ‘scooching’.

31. You will finally know you’ve got it when you are in a ridiculously uncomfortable position.

32. You may or may not sort of feel like you need to fart.

33. You hold that sucker in though! Because holy Dinah would that ever be embarrassing. And unfortunate for the Doctors face which is unnervingly close to ground zero.

34. Ponder the question of whether he has noticed that you didn’t shave? Begin to freak out a little about it making you clench up. But unclench when he tells you to…He will tell you to.

35. When the Doctor surfaces he will ask you how your husband is doing.

36. ‘Oh he is doing just great! Working lots, but spending a good amount of family time with us too. You know what Doc, life is just peachy for us right now. Feeling good that is for sure.’ Is what you would have said if there wasn’t a large metal clamp currently opening up your vaginal canal. So instead you will timidly whisper, “He’s fine.”

37. You will read the first 15 items on the list that hangs on the roof above you, “101 ways to stay Happy” Well that is just a terrible thing to have to read while this is happening isn’t it? You will feverishly try to enjoy the literature.

38. And then when you are just about to read number 16, it will be done.

39. And as you quickly get dressed in fear of somebody walking in on you, think, ‘I don’t know what I was so worried about. That wasn’t that bad at all!’

And there you go, no need to ever stress about another Pap Test again! All thanks to The Blogging Mama and her ingenious ability to create awesome and inspiring lists for your reading (and learning) enjoyment.

 

 

5 Sure Fire Signs, Your kids have sent you straight into Lunacy

Maybe children do this to all women, maybe not…At this point the only thing I know is that my levels of ‘crazy’ have skyrocketed since bringing these two babes into the world.

1.Your fixation with the medical community. Do you have a sore elbow? Is that headache just not going away? Are there weird growths appearing on your body that you never noticed before?

Go to the doctor!

You used to be one of these people that if something ailed ya, you would chalk it up to a passing woe and hope it would buff itself out. You never went to see the local family doctor, hell you didn’t even have a local family doctor.

But this strange phenomenon happened once bringing your little people into this world; you began caring about your health, your body and your physical well being.

And like many things in my life, you have now went completely overboard with the matter.

At this time, you are close to being on a first name basis with the ol’ Doc, going to gain his knowledge about random fanatical queries on a weekly basis. It’s come to the point where you look forward to visiting the clinic, a place your mind will finally be a rest, once stepping foot into those immaculately sanitized swinging doors.

2. You assume every human being is a pedophile. Ya, sick right? You used to be the most trusting individual, not really having much concern for anything when it came to the ‘downfalls of humanity.’

But here you are now, a unfamiliar person approaches your children at the park, and you swoop in faster than one can say ‘Stranger Danger’ with a questioning look and a glare of pure daggers.

And it doesn’t stop there either, once this new arrival has passive aggressively explained that his child only wanted to play alongside yours, you begin questioning the  authenticity of his parenting. Is this really his child? Has he stolen this kid? must you intervene? As a parent yourself, you must be protective of all the world’s children…Somewhat like a superhero.

This kid does look a bit weary now that you think of it. And you must say, that man does not have a ‘parent’ look to him.

You decide you cannot play vigilante, but will stay at the playground to watch the interactions of this unknown man and his ‘child’ a bit longer…Just to be safe.

Meanwhile, this man is thinking the exact same thing about you. How dare he?

3. Your obsession with all things poop. Before children, pooping was just something you did after your morning coffee. You enjoyed it well enough, but never thought too much about the act.

Ever since bringing home that new born and having to monitor his/her poo’s in your little black notebook, you have become compulsive about fecal matter.

It hits you that obviously if it is that important to keep track of the poops in those first few weeks, poops MUST be pretty darn important. So for the rest of your children’s lives you ask them fanatically about their stool…Sometimes even requesting to view a sample, if their description is questionable.

And if you have a concern? See note 1.

 

4. The notion that all of your children’s friends, are ‘Bad Eggs’. Of course, there is always that one friend, who is the good one…The one parents always like (I was that friend) and truly this is the one that is more than likely is the worst influence on your little dumpling.

But it seems the more friends your child brings home, the worse they get each time. Them with their piercings and body art; how dare they!

You know it has gotten real bad when your child is only 4, and you are whispering at a birthday party that you don’t want him hanging out with ‘So and So’ because he is going to be a bad influence when they get a bit older.

If you have done this, it may be time to evaluate your judging process.

5.  You blindly smell articles of clothing, carpets or anything really that you feel may have an odd tang impending upon it.

There is no going in gently for a light sniff. No.

You are so bound and determined to find out where that horrid ghastly smell has originated, whilst screaming, ‘What is the disgusting smell!?!’ you are madly rummaging through your child’s room shoving anything you can imagine it to be directly into your snout, and when you do finally locate the article in question, your nose is overcome with this overpoweringly offensive smell.

You are gagging and in a state of upheaval, yet somewhere in the back of your mind, the pride swells within you; because you have conquered and prevailed, you found what it was that you were in search of.  And no one can take that away from you.

Do you have any more ‘Sure Fire’ signs? If so, throw me a comment, I’d love to hear it!