Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down

 

Wow! Two posts in one week? What kind of bizarro land is this? Man alive how things have changed! I remember a time when I would write two posts in one day. Man I was egotistical and obnoxious. Thanks for hanging in there you guys. Because now, now my friends I am the most self-adjusted, well-rounded, down-to-earth person I know. I’m so awesome.

So I’m not even exaggerating here when I say that I had THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE yesterday. Sure nobody died. And yeah I went to bed with a roof over my head, warm socks on my feet (yes I’m the wierdo who sleep with socks on) and a belly full of a delicious dinner digesting ever so happily in my stomach. But either way, it was THE WORST DAY EVER.

It wasn’t the face that I had been painting the office at work all day that got me down. Even though that is a bitch of a job and nobody in their right mind should want to partake in such activities. And it wasn’t the raging customers that seemed to continue to stroll through the doors yesterday either. It wasn’t even that one guy who kept comparing us to Subway and asking why we didn’t have certain menu items that they did. Despite the annoying eye twitch in the corner of my right eye, this was just another day at the grind.

The real problem was the furious case of mom-guilt that had slowly been inching its way up the back of my spine and burrowing itself deep into the back of my brain.

I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it would be on the brink of my psyche any day now. The signs were all there. I had been so busy with work. My spirits had been way up. I was actually feeling pretty damn good. The mom-guilt is there to knock you back down to size.

All day long this skulking just under my skull was telling me that I could do better. That I must read more with Lars. That I must listen to his long and drawn out stories of Super Mario Brothers more intently than the mere nod of a head and smile I usually offer.

This thing that was wrapping its long, antiquated talons around all that is good in my memory was reminding me that I must spend more time with Sophie. I must get her into the singing lessons she so desperately wants to be in and what about those art lessons she was asking about last month?

The mom-guilt had broken me and by midday I was nothing but a withering urchin shirking my obligations as an operational human being of society. Where is that dark hole and how long can I hide there?

Perhaps it had had enough of telling me how terrible of a mother I was because soon after lunchtime it began in on the other aspects of my life. The mom-guilt never straight up tells you you’re doing a shitty job. It just gives you a little nudge in the right direction. Hints, if you will.

*Boy oh boy, Jamie sure does work a lot harder than you.

*Oh look, that mom can handle her kid having a temper tantrum in public without totally losing her cool, why can’t you?

*Just a reminder friend, you have guests coming to visit next week and you’re home is literally the most squalid habitat on the face of the planet.

That evening when I drearily trudged into the house, I told the kids to play quietly downstairs. Meanwhile the mom-guilt laughed excitedly at how easily I had dismissed the homework portion of our routine. I ran a bath and sobbed; desperately trying to drown away this teeming culpability that had been building up inside of me all day long.

After I hugged and kissed my kids goodnight I too retired to my bed. I didn’t think about much. I literally zoned out on Gilmore Girls and wondered what it would be like to live in the magical hamlet of Stars Hollow. I needed sleep.

This morning I found the mom-guilt had disappeared, gone for now but certainly not forgotten.

Maybe it wasn’t the absolute “worst day of my life”. Probably not even in the top ten. But what I do know, is that the mom-guilt is real and when it takes holds it can be a hassle to break free from. For a long time I used to think it was just me, that I was just the worst mom ever, I was letting the mom-guilt win.

Now I look at it in a different way. I take what it so very subtly tells me, mull it over to see if any of it is viable information (mostly it’s not) and then quietly and matter-of-factly tell it to fuck right off.

And then I go back to being awesome.

So when I use this idiom, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down” I mean the mom-guilt. Don’t let the mom-guilt grind you down friends. Because we all know how much of a raging bitch she can be sometimes.

The Sordid Phrases of Google- Defender of the internet

The shadows of night creep lazily into the room.  The individual in question sits apprehensively at the computer desk- constantly looking over his shoulder in fear another human will enter his space and find out of his ghastly activities.

He types slowly on the keyboard while the blue, yellow, orange and green colors of GOOGLE shine back at him.

He stops.

He thinks he hears a sound from the corner of the room, but when he looks it is only his spinning imagination. The indignity of his search term has caught up to him and he wonders if he should hit the ‘enter’ button to seek the answers he so desperately desires.

He throws caution to the wind and the phrase, “dark n sweaty armpits of aunties” is now flying through the inter-web. His own pits begin to perspire as his anticipation grows for his soon sought out results.

He clicks on the first hit hastily as he again becomes concerned that his plight will be found out by the others who accompany his home. Searching odd and unusual terms on Google is his own dirty little secret- a time to be alone with his unseemly thoughts.

He is brought to a blog called The Blogging Mama and all too soon his world comes crashing down around him!

You like that? You sicko!"
You like that? You sicko!”

 

 

Terrifying, just terrifying.

But not so terrifying that he does not try again with only a different search term.

Next he discreetly types in, “Poop shit leather jacket” and he breathes heavily and he awaits what awesome pictures he will discover from his creativity.

"A poop shit leather jacket is the worst kind of leather jacket...Why would you want to gain ANY information on such a thing?"
“A poop shit leather jacket is the worst kind of leather jacket…Why would you want to gain ANY information on such a thing?”

 

‘Thwarted again by The Blogging Mama! Why does she do this to me?!’ He thinks in vain disgust.

He will try once more because he must. His fingers now ache from the typing of the evening, but he pushes forward because, “Sweat dripping tits pic” is something he just must see on this big ol’ web.

 

"You disgust me!"
“You disgust me!”

The man is now angry. The blogging mama has foiled his evening of Google searching- an evening in which he had been oh so looking forward to. He tries once more in an attempt to salvage an acceptable memory from this wretched evening.

“Erotic short stories wet pants”

"Are you serious?"
“Are you serious?”
"I hereby ban you from the internet!"
“I hereby ban you from the internet!”

 

And the last search term the man types in a not so quietly way, “I hate Blogging Mama’s”

"And never come back!"
“And never come back!”

 

Once again The Blogging Mama has saved a small corner of the internet from the atrocity of weirdo web crawlers.

You’re Welcome.

 

 

All search terms in the story were in fact searched and redirected to The Blogging Mama website…Wowzers there are some odd balls out there. 

And seriously, who could possibly hate blogging mama’s!?

The Sordid Phrases of Google- Braless edition

This morning I woke up and was overwhelmed with the urge to write another Google Phrases post. It still just baffles me that human beings, just like you and I, will actually type these God-awful things into their Google search bar. So as I was scrolling through all of my odd and unusual search engine terms that have been popping up on my WordPress Stats page, I came to the realization that I have an unusually large number of terms that include the idea of being braless.

So here we go again,

May I present to you, The Sordid Phrases of Google- Braless edition

And in addition to the actual phrases, I have also added how many separate searches each phrase had…Yes that’s right, not only one person wrote these exact things into Google, but several…I suppose it IS a small world after all.

1)      “Braless” (2 searches of this term)

Well, it's the best way to be...Can't blame people for doing their research on this topic!
Well, it’s the best way to be…Can’t blame people for doing their research on this topic!

2)      “blog braless” and “braless blog” (11 searches of these terms)

FACT: Creative juices flow at a higher rate of awesomeness when boobs are unharnessed hanging free.
FACT: Creative juices flow at a higher rate of awesomeness when boobs are unharnessed hanging free.

3)      “Braless at home” (6 searches of this term)

Uh yes...Good idea, I think I may just take my bra off now.
Uh yes…Good idea, I think I may just take my bra off now.

4)      “Braless Mama” (2 searchers of this term)

I am the braless Mama, and I am proud of that!
I am the braless Mama, and I am damn proud!

5)      “Braless home” (2 searches of this term)

OK...Well we are beginning to get a bit repetitive here...
OK…Well we are beginning to get a bit repetitive here…

6)      “Braless at home picture” (1 search of this term)

This is getting weird...
This is getting weird…

7)      “Braless home child” (1 search of this term)

What the hell man...
What the hell man…

8)      “Braless home cleaning” (2 search of this term)

It's the only way to clean, am I right?!
It makes cleaning fun. 

9)      “Bra less wordpress” (3 search of this term)

Well you can rhyme...Good job.
You can rhyme…Good job.

10)    “My wife braless” (1 search of this term)

Were you trying to find pictures of your wife on the net...Braless? I truly hope you didn't find what you were looking for.
Were you seriously trying to find pictures of your wife on the net…Braless? I truly hope you didn’t find what you were looking for.

 

11)    “Braless wonderful” (1 search of this term)

 

I must admit, most of the time it is pretty wonderful!
I must admit, most of the time it is pretty wonderful!

12)    “I receive my friends braless” (1 search of this term)

I guess, that's true friendship...
I guess, that’s true friendship…

13)    “At home braless tumblr” (1 search of this term)

Being braless wants YOU!
Being braless wants YOU!

14)    “blatantly braless” (1 search of this term)

Extreme blatancy
Extreme blatancy

15)    “braless point of view” (1 search of this term)

Well...From a braless point of view, I must say being braless is much more rewarding than being bra-ed...
Well…From a braless point of view, I must say being braless is much more rewarding than being bra-ed…

16)    “braless torpedo tits” (1 search of this term)

Meh...What can I say, it's a small price to pay to be able to let these babies be free.
Meh…What can I say, it’s a small price to pay to be able to let these babies loose.

17)    “Braless in bed with husband” (1 search of this term)

Well, that's just the best way I can think of to be in bed with husband!
Well, that’s just the best way I can think of to be in bed with husband!

18)    “Braless b cups tumblr” (1 search of this term)

Yep...That's about right.
Yep…That’s about right.

19)    “niece wears shirt braless with only thing” (1 search of this term)

Wha...What were you going for here?
Wha…What were you going for here? 

20)    “boobs braless husband” (1 search of this term)

Ahhh...Does your husband have breasts that require a brassiere?
Ahhh…Does your husband have breasts that require a brassiere?

21)    “braless granny” or “braless in the nursing home” (2 searches of these terms)

After all my years, I can tell you young lassies that braless is the way to go!
After all my years, I can tell you young lassies that braless is the way to go!

IMG_0706

22)    “see me braless” (1 search of this term)

You've ruined being braless for me Google!
You’ve ruined being braless for me Google!