Supermom- A strange fixation that we as a society have, leading us to believe that we singlehandedly become the worlds worst mother if we yell in times of frustration, cry in moments of loneliness and forget to bath the kids once in a while…
One day in the future my children will be grown. They will be self sufficient adults, with families of their own. They will have a mature thought process and with hope they will have logical problem solving skills.
They will also have their memories.
Today was a bad day. It was filled with hard feelings and ‘what if’s’. It felt as though there was no room for deep breathing for a moment of relaxation because that would take time and patience, and consequentially these were two things I just I did not have enough of today.
As I drove home from picking my son up from school a question picked at the back of my mind. The nearer I got to the battlefront, that question became more and more of a droning scream encompassing the entirety of my being.
Will they remember?
One day will they remember my yelling? Recalling easily the moments in which Mama just couldn’t keep her cool and screamed in reproach at them. Will they bear in mind my crying when I felt as though things just couldn’t seem worse. The days that Daddy was gone on long hour shifts and Mommy felt alone and failing at everything.
Will they commit to memory that warm and beautiful afternoon when they asked to go to the park but I was too busy working to oblige? Will any of those ‘maybe tomorrow’ or ‘in a bit’ stick heavily in mind in their later years?
And what about the broken promises? It hasn’t happened often, but I cannot pledge that it will never happen again either. Will they keep in mind those times when something more important came up? Will they ask themselves what could have possibly been more important than them?
The occasions of inconsistent parenting continue to accost my mind and although I would love to vow to never again drop the proverbial ball in the mothering department, I know this would be just another tall tale told by a tested story teller.
Our job as mothers is a tangled one. We make mistakes and yes, those mistakes may be carried on through our children’s adolescents right into adulthood.
More than likely, the answer to my question is a big fat YES. They probably will remember to an extent.
It is that one effortless sentence I said out of anger, fear, hopelessness or angst in a moment of stupidity that may hang in the back of their psyches years from now. And will it linger? Never to recoil and causing the two people I love most in this world to hurt.
And it is not until after the fact that I think to grab them, and kiss them, and tell them how much I love them, and that, “I’m sorry Mama is just frustrated…”
I suppose it is the human in us that doubly allows us to slip up and in the next second feel ashamed of it. It is here and now, in this spare minute of solitude that I have had a moment to reflect and I realize I can’t be supermom.
There will be days of strife, and days of exhaustion. There will be moments of ‘how do I go on?’ and ‘where do I even begin?’ I’m sure there will be times when I want to run away from the lot of them.
But then, as always the moment passes. It will get done. I will make amends with the kids, and forgive my husband for the stupid thing that he did that made me irrationally mad in the first place. It will get done.
You see being Supermom is a great thought. It’s the idea that we all have in those first few months after pregnancy. But the reality is, being Supermom is an illusion.
Sometimes I will yell. From time to time I will cry, every so often I will not know what to do, or how to carry out a reprimand. It will be difficult, and in the moments after I’ve lost composure I will feel the fault rise in me.
But the most important thing, the thing I do every day and will continue to do as long as I live is tell these two little people I love them. I will hug them 100 times a day, I will attack them with kissy monster kisses and I will forever confess my love for them at any given moment in their presence.
So yes, I have made mistakes in my parenting life thus far, in all reality I will make many more too, but the love I have for them is something that cannot be measured by mere label.
I may never be Supermom, but I’m okay with that.
I will settle for ‘Semi-supermom who is just human and tries her best, but despite the hard times loves her children unconditionally’.
(Let’s just say I was never savvy at catch-phrases!)