Helen The Housewife

Meet Helen The Housewife

Lately I’ve been really brainstorming on how to up the ante here on The Blogging Mama. I’ve been feeling restless and fidgety, when it comes to the blogging world. I’ve been craving that little bit more. I’ve been craving some oomph…

That was until I met Helen The Housewife.

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Helen here is about laying down the humorous when it comes to the housewife life.

So ladies, hold on to your girdles, because Wednesdays on The Blogging Mama has just become awesome-sauce!

Introducing The Handy Housewife Series!

Where Helen will charm us with her witty tips and tricks of the trade. Whether it be wifely duties, matronly skills or simply making anything mundane seem absolutely superb.

Future posts will include;

What to do when that morning coffee just isn’t quite strong enough….

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As well as how to spice up your bedroom life….

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So to sum up

 Join The Blogging Mama and Handy Housewife Helen on Wednesdays for fun filled adventures of all things domestic!

And remember to bring your scrubbing gloves since we will be spilling out loads of gut splitting giggles!

Photo Credit: Imagine The Image Photography

***

Handy Housewife Hint #001

Welcome one and all to the first official edition of The Handy Housewife. Where the handsome Helen will woo you with all the handy hints you need in order to be a happy housewife and homemaker.

 Handy Housewife Hint #001- A Handy housewife, is forever innovative.

No matter what dilemma faces The Handy Housewife, she overcomes and conquers with a steady hand.

For example, The Handy Housewife would never spill even a drop of her wine when dealing with a close to burning roast in the oven. She simply would open the hatch in the utmost of lady like manner and grab that son-of-a-bitch out with her oven mitted hand…Handy Housewife style.

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The Handy Housewife minds alcoholic wastefulness, and will avoid it at all costs.

Continuing on with The Handy Housewife’s innovation is her ability to Reduce, Reuse and Recycle…

One may think that a permeable old dish cloth that has holes larger than ones own  may need a permanent  toss in the trash…Not The Handy Housewife! The Handy Housewife, upon coming across such a dish rag begins mentally brainstorming all of the newfangled wonders that this dish rag will generate.

Paint cloth

Dolly clothes

Spit Rag

Feces extractor from carpets

Ether inhaler

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And the list truly goes on and on.

So with that, the beloved rag will get gently placed in the ‘to-use’ bucket and forgot about until the end of time.

Now the Handy Housewife is faced with yet another dire situation. In her smooth saving shift to protect the roast from its burning state, she managed to dribble fatty meat drippings all over that darn oven door.

Boy Howdy I sure know that would make me pretty heated!

But not The Handy Housewife! With nothing but her trusty rag and bucket not to mention a big lush glass of red…

Helen has it cleaned up in a jiffy!

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Oh Helen, how did we ever get by before your innovative frolics!

Last and most definitely least in our quest to learn Helen’s innovation strategies;

The Handy Housewife will Always cry her woes into the bottom of her wine glass before going to bed.

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Because a passive aggressive housewife, isn’t a handy housewife.

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography

 ***

Well here we are, another week has passed which brings us to the next installment of The Handy Housewife. Here at The Handy Housewife the charming Helen will give us tips and tricks to becoming the kind of homemaker your husband can truly be proud of.

Handy Housewife Hint #002-A Handy Housewife will always ensure her allure is up to par.

Now, although the thought of ‘letting oneself go’ once finding that special someone is quite tempting, Helen our Handy Housewife frowns upon this theory.

Helen believes that staying at ones peak of physical attractiveness is indeed a key role in the continuation of a blissful union.

When commencing her beauty regime, Helen always inspects and harshly scrutinizes each and every flaw on her face.

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Mentally noting each minuscule area in which will need extra care in these next few pivotal moments of application.

Helen will then weep direly into the lonely mirror, silently wishing that her face still looked as it did 10 years ago.

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No amount of foundation can help you now Helen…

Once Helen indulges in some self medicating time, she is ready to move onward and upwards.

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Helen believes there is a very fine line between whore make-up and  debonair housewife make-up…Helen urges you NOT to mix the two up.

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Unfortunately, when too much self medication is involved…

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Helen occasionally does muddle up the two…Possibly in reminiscence of her younger years.

If such an occurrence should happen to you; simply throw a hissy fit, rip out only the slightest bit of hair (assure this will not be noticeable) stomp your feet and then carry on.

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Now that the lovely Helen has released her pent up rage for reasons she doesn’t quite understand, she is again ready to move forward, getting back to the order of beauty.

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The Handy Housewife knows that lipstick is the secret to any triumphant boudoir escapade.

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And blush can be that crucial shielding layer that saves your money-maker from those untimely misfires.

And finally Helen is ready!

Ready to woo her husband into submission. Because clearly no man…Or woman for that matter, can deny the sexual allure of a gal who knows how to properly beautify herself.

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Because an unkempt housewife, isn’t a handy housewife.

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography

Handy Housewife Hint #003

The housewife life; A treasure trove of  exhilaration. It can be dashing, daring and oh so daunting. The trials and tribulations one must face in this intimidating vocation is enough to allow any woman to slip feverishly into the depths of immorality.

Handy Housewife Hint #003- A Handy Housewife will always portray the utmost of modesty in any given moment.

Today Helen the housewife will voice to you the importance of remaining modest in even the most menacing of times.

Because this, dear friends is the key to the continuation of a happy, handy and humble housewife.

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And here, it begins…

This segment, Helen will stress to you the significance of the ‘horrified surprise stance’

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This being the posture one takes if and when you are taken by shock and quickly thrust out of your comfort zone.

Do not, Repeat: DO NOT, try to attempt a sexual surprised look in any way shape or form…

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It will come out all wrong, and possible lead you astray.

Reserve is the key.

Although your first notion may be to say…Drop the towel, you must hold on to that fortress with a deathlike grip.

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This is literally the only thing sheltering you from total annihilation in the decorum department.

Hold on Helen, hold on! 

Once mastering the ‘horrified surprise stance’ compose yourself and shoot the peeping Tom a look of pure loathing.

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Let that bad man know who’s boss!

This will show that you and only YOU gives admission to your secret garden.

After the uncomfortable incident has been resolved, one must swiftly place the occurrence far from mind.

But how would one do that you ask?

Wine.

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Wine. Lyndzee Posed-529

And more wine.

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And hell…Maybe a few uppers to finish the job.

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It will be a long and unsettling road making your way back to everyday housewife life, but in the end it will have been worth it to handle your shit like a lady.

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Because an indecent housewife, isn’t a handy housewife.

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography

Handy Housewife Hint #004

We will be doing this weeks Housewife post early in honour of the day of the Lord.

And for all of you Albertans who are bummed out from all of this snow!

Hope you enjoy.

***Disclaimer- The opinions expressed here are those of Helen The Handy Housewife, and may or may not be shared by The Blogging Mama corporation. If you (the reader) live by ridiculously high moral standings and/or have little to no sense of humor, we would like to firstly express our deepest regret for you (the reader)  as well as convey that nothing written here is meant to belittle, humiliate or injure any such individual. If at any point when reading this following script, feelings of agitation and/or upheaval commence please feel free to exit the site by clicking the red X button located at the top right hand corner of your screen. The Blogging Mama will hold no responsibility for uptight persons who feel the need to be easily offended by this post script, as it is all meant to be read in good fun.

There are times in the housewife life, when the homemaker in question, may get a little despondent.

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Whether it be a dilemma in which she must use her powers of innovation to correct

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Her beauty regime is just not going how she had planned that morning.

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Or, some riff raff walks in on her ‘alone time’ in the lavatory.

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It is an unfortunate truth, but these situations do occasionally hammer down upon homemakers near and far. And the only way in which a superior housewife will overcome and conquer these hairy situations is through the grace of God.

 Today Helen would like to talk to you about the divine power of the Lord.

Handy Housewife Hint #004- A Handy Housewife will  forevermore go to great lengths to further her relationship with the Almighty.  

 When Helen is faced with a tough time, she will quickly turn to the Higher Power for answers, asking with great passion how to remedy her woes…

"God, give me the strength to deal with these horrible children!"

But often The Big Man upstairs decides that poor Helen must deal with this one on her own. This is when Helen offers sacrifice to the deity, hoping that this will warm his omnipotent hand.

"OH Almighty, take thy prime rib in offerings and in return smite those children whom disrespect their Mother!"

Once Helens attempts have failed she quickly tries a different angle with Him…

"Come on Man, you know you want it..."

"Seriously, what's that guys BEEF..."

"Pun most definitely intended"

It is a sad and sorrow filled day when our housewife realizes that she may just have to Mother-up and deal with the young ones without the firm discipline of the Father, but in the end realizes that this is yet another one of His worthy tests.

And after liberating her agitation…

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Helen prepares for a good nights sleep and places positive thoughts towards a bright a optimistic tomorrow.

Prior to indulging in her before bed nightcap(s) to forget all of her heinous woes…

Helen always remembers to send a little prayer to her beloved.

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Because a heathen housewife, isn’t a handy housewife.

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography – Of which again has no affiliation with the viewpoint or opinions express in this Housewife post.

SHE’S BAAACK

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“WHAT?! What you say? I’ve missed how many weeks of Handy Housewife Hints on The Blogging Mama?

Oh Dear, oh dear indeed.

I must have got preoccupied with…other things…A simple slip of the mind you see.

Well have no fear my pretties, I will be back, and better than ever.

Just give me a day or so- to, uh, compose myself…”

 

The Departure of Helen The Housewife

So I had a little run in with our Helen, this evening. It was ugly, and unfortunate to say the least. It didn’t end well, I will tell you that much…This is how it played out.

The Departure of Helen The Housewife…

"Look Helen I'm going to have to Level with you here...You're fired."
“Look Helen I’m going to have to Level with you here…You’re fired.”
"HA! Oh Blogging Mama, sometimes I don't I don't really get your twisted humour, but this...This is hilarious."
“HA! Oh Blogging Mama, sometimes I don’t really get your twisted humour, but this…This is hilarious.”
"No seriously Helen, you are fired. I just can't keep up with your shenanigans as of late, and I'm going to have to let you go."
“No seriously Helen, you are fired. I just can’t keep up with your shenanigans as of late, and I’m going to have to let you go.”
"But why?!"
“But why?!”
"Are you seriously asking me WHY?! Well let's start off with the fact that you have neglected to do a Handy Housewife post for the last 4 weeks and when I brought it up to you, you took it upon yourelf to hack the Facebook page and tell our readers that you would write one and it would be posted within 24 hours...That was 3 days ago!"
“Are you seriously asking me WHY?! Well let’s start off with the fact that you have neglected to do a Handy Housewife post for the last 4 weeks and when I brought it up to you, you took it upon yourself to hack the Facebook page (while completely hammered drunk, I might add) and tell our readers that you would write one and it would be posted within 24 hours…That was 3 days ago!”
"Oooh, well that, I admit was an error of judgment on my part. But in my defense I was a little preoccupied with other things..."
“Oooh, well that, I admit was an error of judgment on my part. But in my defense I was a little preoccupied with other things…”
"NO! YOU HAVE JUST BEEN DRINKING WINE!!!"
“NO! YOU HAVE JUST BEEN DRINKING WINE!!!”
"Exactly...I was researching for my next Handy Housewife post...'The Wonders of Wine' Oh Blogging Mama, won't you give me one more chance to give the readers what they want...Nay, what they NEED!?"
“Exactly…I was researching for my next Handy Housewife post…’The Wonders of Wine’. Oh Blogging Mama, won’t you give me one more chance to give the readers what they want…Nay, what they NEED!?”
"Fine, but if you mess this up, and YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!"
“Fine, but if you mess this up, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!”
"Oh alright then...Way to put the pressure on, but I am in fact a Handy Housewife so I will conquer and prevail. So without much further adieu I present..."
“Oh alright then…Way to put the pressure on, but I am in fact a Handy Housewife so I will conquer and prevail. So without much further adieu I present…”

Handy Housewife Hint #005- A Handy Housewife always ensures her provisions are stocked for supply and demand.

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There comes a time in any Handy Housewife’s life, when the monotony and gloom of everyday life just sneaks up on her. Whether it be the kids hurdling feces at each other, a few extra pounds have been gained over the holiday season or, you have a bitch of a boss that won’t let you express your individualism through alcohol and threatens to fire you for doing so…No names will be named…

"Thin ice Helen...Thin Ice."
“Thin ice Helen…Thin Ice.”

The point is these daunting days do come about, every now and then.

What would you say if I were to tell you, I could make all of your ill-feelings and glumness just slip away to the outermost regions of your brain?

OF COURSE YOU WOULD BE ECSTATIC!!

With just a pop of a  cork  and a slug of a bottle you can be thrust into…Well this-

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Will make you happy,

like this…

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For todays post I have even prepared a little wordsmith spectacle by creating a Haiku.

Wine is wonder-filled

As it glides down to my gut

Please bring me more wine

"Taa Daaa! There you have it, the most wonderful haiku about wine!"
“Taa Daaa! There you have it, the most wonderful haiku about wine!”
"Are...You drunk right now?"
“Are…Are you drunk right now?”
"I am hurt, Blogging Mama. Hurt and disappointed that you would think so low of me to even inquire that I would be drinking whilst on the clock...Hurt and disappointed I say!"
“I am hurt, Blogging Mama. Hurt and disappointed that you would think so low of me to even inquire that I would be drinking whilst on the clock…Hurt and disappointed I say!”
"I am a woman of the Lord after all..."
“I am a woman of the Lord after all…”
"And an industrious worker to boot!"
“And an industrious worker to boot!”
"Not to mention I cook like a pro..."
“Not to mention I cook like a pro…”
"Helen...You have a glass of wine in each one of these instances. I feel that this only proves my concerns about you."
“Helen…You have a glass of wine in each one of these instances. I feel that this only further proves my concerns about you.”

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And as that crucial epiphany came to head, Helen let go of her struggle to stay in the mix. Gracefully stepping back and fading into this big ol’ blogosphere called life. No one knows whatever became of Helen- where she is, or if she will ever be back…And maybe, some may say, that is exactly how she would like it.

But I for one, will never forget our dear Helen.

Rest your mind at ease that with each disgusting old dish rag you refuse to throw out…Helens there.

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Each time you need a time out in the kitchen…Helens there.

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And in the shower…She’s watching you in there as well.

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So in end my friends, as difficult of a decision as it was for me to have to fire dear Helen, in retrospect it is a verdict I feel confident about.

And who knows…She’s a crafty old bat, she very well could slip into a post in future days.

And for now, I have heard a rumour floating around that she has a few friends who are interested in making guest appearances on The Blogging Mama.

So fear not my Helen lovers, the dysfunctional fun will most definitely continue!

If you’ve missed out on any of the last Housewife Posts…Here they are, in a nice and neat fashion for your viewing convenience.

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/11/meet-helen-the-housewife/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/handy-housewife-hint-001/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/handy-housewife-hint-002/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/handy-housewife-hint-003/

https://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/11/03/handy-housewife-hint-004/

"Because a Happy Housewife, is a Handy Housewife."
“Because a Happy Housewife, is a Handy Housewife.”

Photo Credit: Imagine The image Photography

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