My fingernails are filled to the brim with dirt from the earth. I’ve been gardening because it is the second best way for me to ease stress. My fail safe is usually writing but how could I, “write it out” as I like to say when I had just found out this particular news.
Ironically I received the email just after finishing up my latest column for next week’s Me Plus Three article. The email contained exactly two sentences explaining why Me Plus Three wasn’t a good fit for The Advocate anymore. They are downsizing. They are having to re-evaluate what columns work best with the newspaper. Can I fault them for this? No of course not, but it still burns like a bitch.
To date, creating Me Plus Three has been my most successful venture in this hard-pressed writing career. I was elated those years ago when I received that phone call saying that they’d like to publish my writings in a weekly column. It gave me a purpose in this sometimes hopeless hobby. Someone wanted my writing. Someone appreciated it. There were people out there who wanted to read it.
Each time I receive a rejection letter from one of my fiction submissions to the various online magazines I query it hurts but I always use Me Plus Three as some sort of consolation to their rebuff. Yes, this was the fiftieth rejection slip I’ve gotten but it doesn’t really matter because I’m a columnist. The word slips easily off the tongue. And although it has only been a few years I’ve worn this title, I feel different; changed without it.
The logical part of me, who is currently trying to sooth this shattered ego of mine is telling me that I will now have more time to focus on the panini shop. The advertising and running of what is now my family’s main money maker. This is what is important. This part of me is also saying that if I ever do have spare time I can focus more on the world of fiction writing because truthfully my brain is overflowing with untold tales of make-believe.
This oh so logical voice in my head is telling me to calm down and stop overreacting. There will be other opportunities. There will be other publications. I will still grow and evolve. It is telling me that this is not the end.
Jamie came home and I was crying into a pool of muddy dirt in the front flower bed. I had texted him earlier and told him about the email. He didn’t say anything but instead wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. Even as I type this the tears come along with a miserably heavy feeling of failure.
It reminds me of those precarious years of teendom when you’d peruse from boyfriend to boyfriend thinking all the while that it would be you who broke it off with them. Then BAM just like a blast right through the ticker they are giving you the ole, “you know, it’s not you it’s me.” And you are left wondering how you hadn’t seen it coming.
But now I guess it is time for me to pick myself up and brush off. There isn’t much else left to do but—you guessed it—move forward.
If you happen to be a reader of Me Plus Three fear not dear friends, I will keep on keeping on here at The Blogging Mama.
Within the things we love there will always be moments of heartache and strife. There will be times when we wonder what the point of continuing on is. There will be obstacles, rejection, and so much frustration. There will be doubt.
However with our dreams also comes hope. An undying passion for what we do and what we must keep on doing to feel fulfilled as human beings. And that will always lessen the blow.
I’m probably going to be sad for a while about this and that’s okay too. But then after I’ve made peace with what has been lost I will get up, get on and get writing. Because that’s the only thing left to do.