Husband finally retaliates after two years of blog posts are written about him…

Yes in all reality Mr. Brown is often the butt of my blog posts. In my defense it is because I love the guy so much and never really stop thinking about him. 

But it makes sense that after this long of having posts written about you, you would eventually write a rebuttal statement. So for all of you Blogging Mama readers- here is my husbands note of retaliation in regards to all the shit I write about this man I love so dearly! 

(And no, I am not angry about this…I almost peed my pants laughing over the lip syncing thing….I honestly had no idea!) 

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6 POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING REASONS I LOVE MY WIFE!

This is a “blog” dedicated to my incredibly talented author wife, I love you…

Please don’t be offended.

Lindsay and I have been married for nearly three years, we’ve been together for many more, and, depending on how she takes the next few paragraphs I assume for a lifetime ahead as well.

Like most relationships it’s a give and take and forgives kind of thing, a constant learning curve. But I am not here to discuss marital life, I am not here to talk about the distresses of being a parent, no, I am here to take the roll of the talented hands of my wife and confess to paper the things that make me laugh, the things that make me think, and the things that make me love and adore her more everyday!

                These are the things that are not spoken to open ears, in fact these are the things that are shunned to topic even behind closed and locked doors. Of course I am speaking of the inevitable and potentially embarrassing larks that make us all similar in that human fashion. Each one of these notable topics are relatable by most- if not all couples, and I am sure are interpreted in quite different thought processes. Nevertheless these are the things that I have come to accept and build love for my wife upon.

 

SLEEP TALKING

We’ve all been there, whether it’s an over indulged friend rambling angry nothings on your couch, or your seemingly possessed sibling wandering the kitchen for sustenance in the midst of the night, and eerie as it might come across, it’s funny!  It’s not a frequent occurrence in my house, but more often than not Lindsay will head for bed long before I do, giving me an unintentionally better chance of witnessing this humorous event. 

                Lindsay is an excellent mother, in fact, “the finest I have ever known”. Day after day she deals with tears, snot and the occasional blood and takes it as a blessing, but somehow I get the impression that she holds a lot in.

Why do I say that you ask?

Well there’s just something comical about an adult woman dealing out a punishment to a five year old boy who is actually snoring across the hall in the next room.

 

OCD

Not that my wife literally has OCD but come on guys what loving wife and mother isn’t the epitome of this disorder? I know what you’re thinking, this does not fit the discussion, and well it’s not quite so black and white. You see, my wife is like any of us human beings, most of the time if no one is looking we just plain “don’t give a shit” and that’s ok! There is a difference between clean and tidy, and Lindsay works her ass off for a clean house. But with two small kids if you worry about the tidiness you’ll go insane!

                So what makes me smile is when company is coming over, even the neighbors or a relative of the family, it’s as though the queen herself is on her way! I’m sure she realizes that most of these people have had children of their own and probably don’t care so long as the wine is flowing when they arrive. But like I said it must be something maternal that brings this along.

For myself at the time it’s quite distressing. It’s not shock from the ‘mise en place’ Nazi that has just submerged from my wife that bothers me, it’s that for some peculiar reason I cannot seem to help. I can ask, I can observe and try to aid, but to no avail.

I’m not sure if its stubbornness or …. Whatever it is there’s something about frantic Lindsay that really does it for me…. Which brings me to the next point….

AWKWARD TOPICS

Every wife loves to bring up the time their spouse made a fool of himself, and let’s face it, these things happen more than enough to be brought up. I’m not talking about women with other women, that’s not a topic I want to cover here!

Instead I mean the horrible gut turning feeling when your partner begins to bring up what she feels is the most universally accepted kinds of hilarity, you know the sort, the kind that brings your mind towards punching small kittens to stop you from breaking into tears in front of your peers…Don’t shake your head just keep reading.

I’ll admit, I may have a slight drinking problem- or rather a problem once drinking…. Oh boy… I get a little… rapey towards my wife. Yeah, rapey.

I don’t mean prison time offensive, I just get excited, I love my wife alright, quit judging!

And really, I don’t think she really minds, unless we are in public, she usually has something to say about that. Having said that, most of the time I’m pretty good about waiting till we get home (from what I remember).

Yet it still seems to be a fundamental conversation starter for her, nothing like getting the ball rolling while mine do too.

Common I’m not the only one!  You’re the one reading a blog post by a ‘rapey’ alright!

SLEEP TALKING II             

Alright, enough with that!

I know we spoke of sleep talking earlier; ironically there is a similar phenomenon that occurs whilst in the slumber of our chambers. This is not spoken voice in the conventional scene yet somehow it seems to create a mood in the room. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about passing gas, or perhaps more amusingly acceptable “farting”. 

I refer to it as sleep talking only because it sparks conversation. I’m not sure if it’s over tiredness or simply the child in me finding humor in the simple day to day bodily functions and its odd sounds. There is nothing harder than trying to keep a straight face and not embarrass your half conscious spouse having woken them up from laughing.

LIP SYNCING

So here’s a peculiar one, Lindsay and I make an effort to take advantage of what time we get together, this of course means verbal communication, or talking. I say that in such a way because it literally involves things like eye contact, reaffirming head nods or hand gestures, even taking things as far to affirmatively repeating the previously stated objective… don’t kid yourself, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

But all jokes aside, I do enjoy our discussions, so this is where it gets weird.

I think it might be something all girls do, but usually just with pop sensations…

She lip syncs nearly everything I say during a conversation!?! And she has no idea she is doing it! Let me tell you a bit about that- you don’t get used to it, its strange right? And it’s not that it bothers me, but it’s noticeable… for sure. It only really gets awkward when I start re-lip syncing the same words watching her lips move and kind of forget who’s speaking….

THE DREADED ‘I TOLD YOU SO’

Now I know I am not alone with this one! Even ‘American Dad’ had an episode dedicated to the fowl concept. But unlike the comedy parody, this is no joke. I’m not sure if it’s bred into us, if we feel insecure about our partner gaining a one up on us or we simply just can’t be wrong. Whatever the case there are no nails sharp enough to drag across a chalk board that could compare to the slap in the ears when that short quip is uttered. Let’s face it though, it should happen more than it does, evidence of a loving wife is the less she says it when you begin to embrace for it, conjuring excuses and alternate reasoning’s for what had just transpired. ‘For the love of god I cannot let her get that fragment sentence in’ is all that races through the mind.

                Unfortunately, like I said before, we are all human and I am dealt another blow; as the patch of ceiling I was informed to tape now is smudged with paint; or the coffee table that would surly hold with some duct tape has now collapsed, or the credit card I cancelled somehow becomes a necessity, or the seemingly innocent notion of training my son to ride a bike without any training equipment had led to an injury, or allowing one of our infants to frolic without pants could lead to a mess, or involving our kids directly in kitchen work could lead to someone getting very hurt (me). I could go on but the tears are making it hard to type.

 

 

These are not things that I discredit my wife for, nor do I love her any less, in fact these are the things that make me love her so much more. These are just six of the many frustrating antics that remind me how great the simplicity of it all can be. One may say these are terrible things to speak of but for me, if I can relay these things on paper, laugh and know that I love her more than anything else in the world and know that she could write this same reversed topic into an encyclopedia reminds me that this is a life worth living; especially with my beautiful and talented wife and mother of my children.

I love you Lindsay Rae!

 

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