30…Things…About approaching 30 and settling down

 

1)      Your confidence is blooming- hell you’ve been on this earth for nearly 30 years! Why has it taken this long to start coming into your own? Regardless though, you are jacked about it! Go out there and strut your stuff you sexy thang!

2)      Your taste pallet is evolving- maybe you’ve always loved food, or maybe you haven’t. The point is now you are officially a grownup; not a 20-something but a real live adult. And you should try new things such as different foods. And you realize that new stuff actually can be interesting and fun.

3)      Your body is thanking you- Remember the days of living off nothing but beer and corn chips? Yeah me too. I miss those days with a fond envy. But alas they are gone. Now are the days of exercising for an hour each morning and replacing big macs for Greek yogurt. And however much this new mature lifestyle saddens you from time to time- your body is ecstatic about it.

4)      A new appreciation for old friends- You’ve always known how much your bestie has meant to you- yet now as you both approach this new chapter in life you find yourself becoming disgustingly nostalgic about all of the ‘good times’ (idiotic times) you and your friends have been through.

5)      Your idea of fun has changed immensely- In your early twenties you couldn’t wait to get out there and party all night at the hottest most jam-packed clubs. You wanted to be enveloped between other people’s sweaty bods on that dance floor and get your groove on. Now the entire concept of the club scene disgusts you. You have much better things to do with your precious time these days. Which brings me to my next point…

 

6)      You find yourself reverting back to your prepubescent self- Rather than clubbing, drinking till dawn and literally partying your ass off you see much more fulfillment in hunkering down with a big bowl of popcorn (sodium free and low fat) and watching your favorite movie. Which just happens to be the Lego movie…

7)      You have become the thing you hated most- I can vaguely remember a time when I would politely nod my head and smile an obviously fake smile when having been put through the absolute agony of listening to other people tell me stories about their children. In current days I do exactly this for a fucking living. WHAT HAVE I BECOME!?

8)      Your appreciation for the finer things ripens- In your teens and early twenties did you ever give a flying fuck about the beauty of a field of wildflowers? Did you ever stop on the side of the road to take a picture of the perfect sunset? NO of course you didn’t because you had places to go and people to see! Nowadays you seem to have all the time in the world to appreciate these once seemingly insignificant things of life.

9)      You poop regular- enough said. You. Poop. Regular.

10)   You have become either a better dancer…Or you simply don’t care anymore- When you do go out, whether it be for a wedding or some other type of mature festivity you rock your bod (only almost 30’s will probably get that last reference) on the dance floor and you don’t care who sees it!

11)   You chop your hair off- Maybe it is just me but in my experience of being and hanging out with almost 30’s there is a lot and I mean A LOT of talk about chopping the hair off because it makes us look younger. Or more respectable…There is a plethora of reasons why so just get on board with it people.

12)   SEX- Sex used to be this steamy sort of topic; chalk full of naughtiness and faux pas. Just talking about it was the ultimate turn on.

Now sex is a 7 minute midday quickie on the bathroom counter because it is the only room in the house that has a locking door.

This takes place while the children’s fingers creep eerily under that door whilst asking, “Whatcha doing in there guys?” from the other side.

And in correlation with above point…

13)   The words ‘let me take the kids for the night’ from your friends and family becomes the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard- That’s right, those few simple words make all the difference in this almost 30 and settling down life. It means a nice romantic night of couch cuddles and YouTube binging, going out for dinner and realizing you are drunk after three singles. Or, if you’re really looking to get crazy doing some much needed deep cleaning (this sounds dirtier than I intended it too, I literally mean deep cleaning the house) which is much easier without the little ones.

14)   You are astounded when an episode of Friends comes on in which you haven’t seen- you then shed a tear of happiness for the anticipation that exceeds all other possible emotions in that exact moment.

15)   You no longer feel as though you may puke in job interviews- I suppose this ties in with #1 and your confidence. But in your mature and wise ‘old’ age your coolness in your chosen career is so astounding that you actually begin to interview your potential employer. This results in one of two outcomes. You get the job right there on the spot due to your spectacular self-assurance or they escort you out of the building and politely ask you not to return.

16)  Sayings like “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” ~Chili Davis, begin making way too much sense to you.

17)  Removing the couch cushion covers and vehemently washing them while muttering curses towards the seemingly disgusting other human beings whom share your home becomes a monthly tradition- And it sucks.

18)  You tell yourself that you will speak your mind from now on- You immediately feel guilty for speaking your mind and hurting peoples feelings.

19)  You continue to jump blindly on board with internet fads- Possibly this is a vain attempt to seem younger but with each ‘naked face selfie’  ‘ending fat bashing campaign’ or other like topics you find yourself hoping right on board.

You later realize it is all a bunch of ridiculous bullshit and try to erase all evidence of your participation. Which you forget is impossible because it is “on the line”.

 

20)  You mockingly say things like “Is that what the young folk are doing these days?”- But it is not as funny since on some level you are actually wondering if in fact that is what the young folk are doing these days.

21)  It frightens you to see all of your favorite childhood shows on Teletoon Retro- And yet you have this odd pride that swells within you that your child would rather watch these shows than the crap they come up with nowadays.

22)  You find yourself getting odd looks of contrition when using words like “Super-duper” “Sweet” “That’s wizard” or “No doubt” amongst the younger crowd- But you feel lost without these turn of phrases as you surely cannot use the lingo these youngsters are using. So instead you resort to this…

 

23)  You have begun eating the heel of the loaf of bread- And thoroughly enjoy all the nutrients you are getting from that crusty goodness.

24)  You tell people you only have a Facebook to ‘keep up’ with everybody from high school- In other words to creep on your ex’s and see how much better you are doing than everyone else.

25)  You stop deliberating so much about what others think of you and start caring more about what you think of yourself- Oh no this post is taking a sentimental turn for the worse!

26)  You become a know-it-all despite how much you’ve always loathed this breed of person.

27)  You become obsessed, and I mean obsessed with OITNB- I just had to throw this in there…Like seriously…Best show ever!

28)  Things you once found hilarious, you now find dreadful- Things like Family Guy, You-Tube vids of people falling and crashing into things (I’m pretty sure I’m watching people dying or getting seriously injured here…Remind me how this is funny?) Or young children (particularly your own) reciting Tampax commercials- how is that much TV viewing even possible?

29)  Crying over children’s movies- I don’t mean to lament over this Lego Movie but COME ON! It’s just the best moral to a children’s flick I’ve seen since the friggen Fox and the Hound! OH GOOD GOD I’VE STARTED CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

30)  And finally- The dismaying realization that it was not nearly as difficult as expected to write a list of thirty…erm, things about approaching 30. It was actually quite easy. A little too easy…

I supposed that proves it; 30 is just around the corner.

And we are all more than ready for it.

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