I’ve dabbled in the art of jogging for years now, but never committed myself long enough to get any kind of great form or stamina. But now that I no longer am a smoker I decided to delve back in, and become the jogger I’ve always wanted to be.
This time I promised myself I would stick with it through thick and thin.
The first few days went great. I did although realize I am not at my physical peak so instead of actual jogging I would ease myself into it with a fast paced walk. This seemed to suffice.
It was on the fourth day I ran into some problems. A flock of vicious demon birds, that the common folk refer to as crows, attacked me as I sped walked down their street. I was not aware that these feathered fuckers were territorial, but it didn’t take long after they began stalking and swooping me to figure it out.
What I can say about the black beasts is that they forced me out of my walking comfort zone and into the run I needed to engage to escape their terrifying talons and boisterous beaks.
I realized then, that I can run. I am actually a pretty great runner when need be.
I didn’t let the crows get to me though, the next morning I got up and started out again with a positive outlook and cheery smile. I had been running rather than fast paced walking and that brought my confidence as a newbie jogger up considerably. I was passing other joggers and giving the ol’ good morning nod and a smile. I was feeling victorious- I was sure that not even a bastard bird could bring me down at this point.
Everything was coming up Lindsay.
I was a decent ways away from my house when it hit me. That stomach churning, gut wrenching, intestine twisting feeling…I had to poop.
And it was not one of those easy to hold in until you get back to the house kind of BM’s, it was a- clearly you have some sort of flu bug because your rectum feels like it is about to projectile vomit kind of BM.
It is 5:30 in the morning because in usual circumstances I am a morning person, and love the fresh smell of morning dew when I fast pace walk. Unfortunately at this ungodly hour, there are no public restrooms open and I am in the middle of town, a good 20 minutes from home.
I turn around briskly, I’m going to be okay. I hop into a run but quickly realize that running is a terrible idea; only worsening the need to vacate my bowels. I resume my fast paced walk while clenching my buttocks so tight I celebrate in the fact I am getting a glutes workout in as well.
Now when I pass other joggers I only give them a quick sideways glance- I cannot focus on anything at this time, other than keeping what I can only assume is explosive diarrhea, in my body until I receive a toilet.
A cold sweat has covered the entirety of my epidermis, although this is not from the workout I’ve just pandered to. My heart pounds, my head aches, and the constant reminder that I have to shit pulsates in my throbbing nether region.
My eyes fog over with tears from the thought of vacating my bowels here on Main Street. Oh the humiliation it would cause!
I know it has gotten perilous when I start scoping out trees and discreet corners to relieve my crying out colon…But In the small part of my brain that is still thinking rationally I know that I must not poo on public property like a dog. I don’t even have a bag with me.
I finally make it to the path behind my house. I am on the home stretch now and if only I can hold…It…In…A…Little…Longer…
It is not until now that the pain of having to rid myself of the fecal is so intense I have to stop dead in my tracks. There is a town worker driving alongside the road watering the hanging baskets that dangle off the lamp posts. She is looking at me with an odd sort of stare. She slowly approaches me as I am doubled over desperately trying to hold in the shit that will soon start slowly trickling out of my sphincter.
She begins to say something but my blinders are on and all I am seeing is HOME. I uncurl myself and carry on, giving the worker a quick wave to shoo her away from me and my current predicament. I walk with surprising vigor as I now move upon two stiff unbending legs. At this point I am frightened that any loosey goosey crusade will give way to the torrent stream of diarrhea that I am so desperately trying to hold in. Tears spill over my eyelids as another wave of stomach cramp comes on and my face contorts into a mash of astonishment and disbelief that this is actually happening to me.
As I reach the last stretch of the path I see the one thing that may actually make me full out discharge here and now. The crows. They are waiting for me. Blocking that last bit of path I must fast pace walk to get to my much needed locale of the bathroom.
They begin squawking at me. They begin swooping lower and lower with each dive made- I assume they are trying to outdo each other. Or attempting to ward me off with some kind of warrior crow pouncing ritual.
I realize that it is either me or them. If I let them get to me I will surely shit my pants, and if I try to find another route home I will surely shit my pants.
I MUST go through them.
So I make a run for it.
And as I sit safely on my toilet a single tear of joy dribbles down my cheek in celebration of not soiling myself on my run/fast paced walk home. I have not been scared away from running, only become more aware of the dangers that face the jogger each morning. And I will continue on, because as I said before, this is through thick and thin.
But I may just wait a few days until this flu bug passes.