“Everyone has irrational fears right?” This is what I was saying aloud to myself as I stared into the beady eyes of my long-time nemesis- The Bird.
There we were in a standoff. Both of us under the red wooden planks of the deck. Me searching for flower pots, the bird readying himself to surely attack from his perch atop an old piece of wood haphazardly thrown down there. I was too far into the 5 foot high burrow to run…
And the sudden movement would likely cause the beast to swoop and obstacles surrounded me (including numerous beer boxes) hindering my quick escape path.
Instead I armed myself with a nearby gardening fork and began screaming bloody murder in hopes it would frighten this foul cousin of a fowl to take flight in the opposite direction.
Its minuscule kangarooing head gave no illustration that it was even slightly scathed by my outburst. No it just continued to twitch in its unnatural way while looking side to side in the small locale we currently shared.
The flower pots, to my defeat, were on the other side of the bird’s perch. I decided the wisest approach would be to exit the facility and move around to the other side of the deck where there is a smaller opening. Though having to crouch uncomfortably to wedge myself in, I would be closer to my prize and not have to cross the blasted birdie to reach the pots.
As I entered the secondary entry way I was relieved to see I was within arm’s reach of my target. Unfortunately though I glanced up while stretching my arm towards the pots (not wanting to enter into the area any more than I had to) and there to my devastation was that GOD DAMN BEADY EYED SON OF A BITCH, he had turned himself around and for a second time was staring right through my very humanity.
What kind of sick and twisted universe had I entered into where the birds control the humans? Where was the morality? And why had this fresh hell hammered down upon me, right here, right now? All I wanted was some friggen flower pots to plant my petunias.
I was frozen with fear.
I knew that any quick movement may result in a flock of feathers swooping my head. Just the thought of its tiny talons touching my scalp or god forbid it’s piercing beak pecking my face open was enough to paralyze me for the rest of my days.
So it continued to stare me down. It knew what it was doing, it knew it had me in its gruesome grips. It almost seemed to do a bit of a jig on the rotten piece of ply-board it sat upon. Silently parading the power it had over me in a flippant sort of way.
I knew I had to break free of its sorcery!
If I couldn’t do it for myself I HAD to do it for my children. I cannot let them grow up experiencing the same kind of crippling fear.
So with every bit of might I’m sure I possessed accompanied with a He-woman war cry…
I lunged forward to grab my flower pots, while crouching short- so not to get knocked out from the low overhang of the deck and get pecked to death anyways- I slithered my way out of the small space.
Once in the open expanse of my back yard I cried a shout of utter exhilaration while thrusting the pots above my head in an act of triumph!
I had done it, I conquered and prevailed in my quest and I was feeling enraptured!
And in a small twist of fate, only moments later I saw the chickadee fly out from its dwelling and soar up into the sky. And I realized maybe…Just maybe that chickadee was sent here to assist me in overcoming just one of my irrational fears.
Thank you chickadee, you may never know what you truly did for me today, but will always stay close (but not too fucking close) to my heart.
Stay tuned for more segments of Irrational Fears such as The Day the Beaver Almost Bit off My Beaver or The Day the Lawnmower Nearly Decapitated Me as well as one of my personal favorites The Day I was positive I was pregnant again (A monthly occurrence)