103 daily thoughts of a mother

Q-What really goes through the mind of a stay at home mother on a daily basis? 

1)      Why do my children insist on awaking before the damn sun?

2)      Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee

3)      Did I just pour juice into her Cheerios? Yes, yes I did.

4)      I wonder if I just scoop out the cereal I could still salvage the juice?

5)      I’m so tired and groggy this morning…Dear God I hope I’m not pregnant!

6)      You’re not pregnant, you’re just tired because nobody should be awake at this ungodly hour.

7)      I have to do something productive today.

8)      I will drink coffee and scroll Facebook…Just until I wake up a little more.

9)      Awe So and so is pregnant- Glad it’s not me.

10)   Oh my god what if I’m pregnant.

11)   You’re not pregnant, your tubes are tied.

12)    Have a snuggle with the boy child. 

13)   Oh good lord this kids nails are disgusting.

14)   Ewww, my nails are disgusting.

15)   It’s already 10:30?! You’ve wasted 2 hours on Facebook.

16)   I need to get a life.

17)   This bathroom is nasty.

18)   Just have your shower and get out of here, so you don’t have to look at it.

19)   ‘Aint no party like an S-Club party…’

20)   Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, 
So tell me what you want, what you really really want, 
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, 
So tell me what you want, what you really really want, 
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.’ 

21)   Backstreets back…’ Who am I kidding I hate those guys.

22)   The kids are screaming so loud I can hear them over the noise of the shower, what is their problem?

23)   Oh man, what was that crashing sound?

24)   Okay okay I’m getting out.

25)   These pants are pretty tight.

26)   Must have shrunk in the dryer.

27)   Yep, that is totally what has happened.

28)   Maybe I should take them to the park to play for the afternoon.

29)   Where the hell is their splash pants?

30)   OH MY GOD WHERE ARE THE SPLASH PANTS!

31)   AHHHHHH DAMN YOU SPLASH PANTS, WHY DO YOU TOY WITH ME SO!

32)   I really need to start making notes of where I leave things.

33)   Maybe I should tell Husband I need a tablet to organize my busy schedule better.

34)   Ahh, the front hall closet. I guess that stands to reason.

35)   Well this is nice, the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I am out walking with my little ones. Life is good.

36)   That dog up ahead looks vicious.

37)   Put the kids behind you just in case.

38)   Is that foam dripping from its mouth? THE DOG IS RABID!

Kid: “Mom, look at the cute little poodle!”

39)   Alright at the park, ready to get our play on.

40)   The girl child is surely too little to climb up that rope ladder by herself.

41)   Nope, she just scuttled right up there didn’t she…?

42)   Ohhh my baby is growing up so fast!

43)   Wait a second, who is that man over there lurking on the outskirts of the playground?

44)   I don’t see a kid with him.

45)   Is he staring at my kids?

46)   SICKO! *Alarm sounds, bells, flashing red lights*

47)   You march over there and let this sick fuck have it!

48)   I’m going to tell this guys off, what a loser hanging out childless at the…

49)   Why is that kid running over to him?

50)   Oh no that poor unsuspecting child, running straight into the arms of a predator!

51)   I need to save that kid!!!!!

52)   ABORT!!! It’s the kid’s Dad. That is definitely the kid’s dad. 1000 times abort.

53)   Oh I hope that man didn’t see me running towards him waving my fists in his general direction and yelling like a banshee to step away from the child.

54)   I’m sure he didn’t.

55)   Oh no. I think he is calling after me.

56)   Just keep walking. Just keep walking.

57)   Time to move on to a different park kids.

58)   Walk briskly.

59)   Well now that the excitement for the day is done, I suppose dinner is in order.

60)   What to make…What. To. Make.

61)   There is no food in this house!

62)   I just went grocery shopping, how is there nothing to make?

63)   I just want a personal chef okay, is that too much to ask?

64)   And a maid and a nanny too.

65)   And maybe a sexy pool boy for some eye candy during the day.

66)   A paddling pool counts as a pool right?

67)   Maybe I should take the kids swimming tomorrow.

68)   I better make something healthy if I am going to have to wear a bathing suit tomorrow.

69)   I’m sure one meal of healthy eating will do the trick.

70)   Why are the kids screaming so much?

71)   Hmm Sophie is trapped under the mountain of couch cushions they have stacked up in the middle of the living room.

72)   You should really go and help your child.

73)   Oh she figured it out. Man my kid is awesome.

74)   Someone is knocking on the door.

75)   Go peek out the window to see who it is.

76)   Jehovah witnesses. Dammit. They see me peering through the blinds at them.

77)   They are waving at me! Quick kids hit the deck!

78)   They aren’t going away.

79)   Just wait a bit longer…Waaaait…..

80)   Yes! Success, they are leaving.

81)   Okay dinner is served. Pizza- it contains all the food groups in one delicious piece.

82)   Countdown to husband getting home is on. T – 2 hours!

83)   I should really wait until the kids are in bed before pouring a glass of wine for myself. We still need to do stories after they get out of the bath.

84)   But…If I have a glass of wine before story time, it will probably make the stories a lot more interesting for me…

85)   Oh how I love the sound of wine exiting a bottle.

86)   Am I an alcoholic?

87)   Nah…

88)   Wow I was not anticipating Dr. Suess being so difficult to read with a slight buzz.

89)   They won’t realize if I skip a few pages, just make it look like you are turning the page and really turn like 3…No 4 pages at once.

90)   They don’t look like they noticed! Ha! I am a mastermind. 

91)   Now that the children are tucked in I can go finish my wine.

92)   I really hope I’m not pregnant.

93)   When did I get my period last? No, I’m not pregnant.

94)   Desperate Housewives on Netflix here I come.

95)   Man if I lived on Wisteria Lane…The things I could get away with…

96)   There is an odd smell coming from this couch cushion…

97)   Let me just reach my hand down here…

98)   Oh man alive! Why the hell is there an apple core down the back of the damn couch?

99)   I’ve had enough of this day.

100)  I’m not waiting for husband to get home. It’s bedtime.

101)  Oh my god I hate the taste of toothpaste. Maybe if I gag a little and make an odd face that will make me feel better. I am good looking even when I’m not trying. 

102)  Wow, this bed feels good after the day I’ve had.

103)  Well, at least I’m not pregnant.

A- Maybe it would be best to just leave these thoughts to ourselves…

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