We Got Crabs!

The first bellow of ‘Mama’ wakes me up. Not quickly, but in a slowly pulling apart the eyelids, while dreading the idea of having to remove myself from the cozy flannel sheets sort of way.  It is the second scream that announces to me that this is no usual midnight milk run. The girl’s yelps are sharp and unusual, I can feel the fear in her voice.

It is on the third shriek which comes close after the second that I pull my lacklustre body out of bed and plod towards my daughter’s bedroom.

Upon entering the little lady’s boudoir, I find her pressed tightly up against her beds headboard repeating the mantra, “I hate dose cwabs, I hate dose cwabs…” over and over again.

“What’s wrong, Sophie?” I ask now quite concerned after seeing her…I still can’t make out what she is saying though.

“Mama!” She looks and sounds relieved to see me (which makes me feel pretty good, despite the circumstances). “I hate dis cwab in my bed…He need go home.” My poor baby sobs uncontrollably.

Maybe it is because it is 2:30 in the morning, or maybe it is because I can feel the tickle of a head cold coming on, but I still cannot for the life of me make out what she is saying.

“What Sweetie? Who needs to go home?” I ask as soothingly as I can.


“Crab?” I click in.

“Ya, he bugging me!” She continues crying and it is at this point that I realize she must have just had…Or still is- having a dream.

“Ok my love, Mama will get rid of Mr. Crab ok.”

“Thanks Mama.”

I then begin to pick up the imaginary crab and throw it outside her door. This I thought would provide enough solace for the girl to fall back into dreamland…But in reality only causes her more angst!

“HE GOING TO CRAWL BACK IN MY ROOM!” The thought is obviously more terrifying, than the initial crab was and I am getting more and more exhausted with each crab chucking fiasco.

So I ask, “Well what would you like me to do with the Crab Sophie?!”

The 3 year old girl looks me straight in the eyes, her face is shadowed from the dim light of her pink faux fur covered lamp and she explains, “You put him outside….So he freezes to death.”

Oh well then, why the hell didn’t I think of that.

So there I begin, picking up make-believe invisible crabs (because now there is more than one) and moving all the way towards the patio door to throw them outside so they will freeze to death.  The most insane part of it all is, even when I am out of the girls sight I still hold my hands 6 inches apart in a clutching position as though I am holding the crab in question.

I am in about 5 crabs deep, when Sophie advises me that there is one close on my heels…And I jump at the thought of a bastard crab crawling that close to me. For a split second I am thinking, ‘I have to get rid of these fucking crabs, they’re everywhere! What the hell am I going to do?’

I begin frantically throwing my head to and fro trying to see these crabs that my daughter speaks of.


It is then that I realize sleep deprivation is starting to kick in. So I pick Sophie up out of bed, and tell her that we are going to sleep in bed with Daddy.

She responds with, “Good idea Mama, Daddy protect us from the cwabs.”

For the remainder of the night, I dream of crabs and it is unnerving and uncomfortable…Especially since Sophie is shoving her feet in my face and I am believing it is a fat little crab making its way towards my brain.  When I wake up, I realize that Sophie and I are finally safe from the nightmares of crabs; but hope to God that I never have to fight off the blasted things in the darkness hours again.

Because sometimes, even the most imaginary creepy crawlies can send a shiver up your spine.


One thought on “We Got Crabs!

  1. That’s amazing! I had a good chuckle at this one. I can see you throwing the crabs outside. Too funny.

    When Anthony was a little boy, he came out into the living room while his parents were still up, watching the TV. He frantically grabbed the remote control and started frantically clicking buttons in random directions. His parents asked him what he was doing, and he said, full of panic “I need to get all these chickens!”… I guess his house was being overrun by chickens, and he needed to shoot them with the remote control. That story makes me laugh EVERY time. I can just see mini Anthony blasting all those pesky chickens lol


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