Crockpot Creations

In the past I’ve mentioned that I am a terrible cook. This is just a fact, one that cannot be remedied by a quick fix cookery class or culinary art books aplenty. And I have made it my lot in life to accept this plight with a knowing smile.

There is just something about combining the right amount of this or a pinch of that, that does not bode well with me. Instead I decide that a whole shwack of ‘this’ would be sufficient and a pinch is more like “hmmm I feel like I might need a little bit more…” until the whole shebang is riddled with too much salt and not enough goodness in general.

Lucky for me, my husband is a chef, and a very talented one at that (please excuse my swooning). Oh he has tried to rid me of the bad habits I exhibit in the kitchen, but never succeeding in his quest.

Each time I pick up his very full-sized and pointed knife to dice whatever needs dicing, he cringes with the innate fear that he will soon be married to some fingerless woman and there will be me, bawling in the corner clutching my bloody and maimed appendage,  screaming that this is somehow his fault because his damn knife was too sharp.

So all in all, we have come to the agreement that I will do as little cooking as humanly possible.

The problem is now, that my dear hubby is very hard at work these days and does not have time to cook for us at home. So what am I to do? Let the children live off of KD and Spaghetti-O’s? I couldn’t do that to my two little darlings, so some time back I made it my mission to find some way on God’s green (er…white) earth to find something that I can create that would be edible.

And boy did I ever…

Introducing Lindsay’s Crockpot Creations!

 Have you ever cooked with a Crockpot? It is literally foolproof, nay, it is terrible-cook approved! I’ve been whipping up anything my heart desires in this baby, and each one-pot meal turning out better than the last.

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAST!

So without further adieu I will reveal to you my recipe for my Spicy Jambalaya:

You will need:

1 Crockpot

Vegetables (whatever is going bad in your fridge, I mean it like anything)

Tomatoes (I use the ones from the can…Because I’m thrifty like that)

Sausage (My Bro-in-law gave me some Moose sausage that is quite spectacular)

Chicken (I have nothing clever to say about chicken…Just plain old chicken is what you need)

Shrimp (The ones that we learn are oxymoron’s in middle school)

That hot sauce that was going to get taken off the shelves awhile back and there was that huge uproar on Facebook, you know what I’m talking about right…It is really hot. I think there is a chicken on the front of it or something. I would Google it to get you the actual name, but I’m really confidant you know what I’m talking about here.

And finally A LOT of Parmesan and Spices (That is actually one thing, I don’t literally mean parm and spices, it’s an actual bottle of spice called Parmesan and Spices).

 

Alrighty now for the magic to begin…

Step one- Cook meat. Do not burn yourself on the enormous flame that is produced whilst turning your gas oven on…I know it is frightening but man-up and get through it as it is best to cook meat before placing it in your gullet.

Step 2- Attempt to find can opener for tomatoes…Begin stomping around furiously when unable to locate opener. Throw pan across the room. Flush when realizing you have been holding it in your right hand the entire time. Open tomatoes and pour into Crockpot.

Step three- Shoo Children away from kitchen…Explain that Mama is a dangerous and untrustworthy individual in the cookhouse and it is in their best interest to be far away when in that stated vicinity.

Step 4- Carefully, and I mean carefully chop up random vegetables you have found in the back of your fridge. In big delicious chunks. Dicing is for pussies.

Step five- Remove meat from heat…Oh I kill me…And transfer into Crockpotting machine.

Step 6- Allow all ingredients to stew for a while. I don’t really know how long, go with your gut on this one guys, like seriously do I have to hold your hand through this entire process?

Step seven- Add unnamed hot sauce and Parm spice.

 

And Enjoy the tantalizing tastes that will begin to waylay your mouth and area!

 

You know, I think I might have to scrap the whole blogging business and get into The Cookbook industry…I feel like I could really have a good shot at this.

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4 thoughts on “Crockpot Creations

  1. i have the same ‘more is better’ attitude to spices

    this sometimes results in sweat pouring out of guests heads when eating one of my creations

    in self defence, one of my friends once gave me a set of measuring spoons – but who can be arsed to use one of these dinky wee things to measure out 1/8 of a teaspoon of spice?

    besides, such a tiny amount of spice is never going to make much of an impression

    I’m not one for delicate flavouring, I just throw a good dollop of whatever spices are in the cupboard into the pot and cross my fingers as to taste 😆

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    • I hear ya! In the off occasion I do end up measuring something, it is with one of my kids sippy cups…It works out quite well, 1 sippy cup = 1 regular cup…and anything smaller than that surely doesn’t need to be actually measured!

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  2. I laughed out loud and scared the dog when I read number two – that’s me all over!! I’m English and I line in France, where your average housewife is a five star chef (they seem to be preprogrammed. French DNA is serious stuff). When they whisk something up for lunch, I stare at it and think that I wouldn’t make something so complicated for Christmas. Sigh.

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