The holiday season is a rough one for most. Aside from spending ridiculous amounts of money on presents you’re not entirely sure your gift receiver will even like, there is the consumerism that makes you sick, the cutesy wutzy Christmas music blaring in every store you walk into and the fact that everyone you meet has a god awful fake smile plastered upon their clearly frazzled face.
So for today’s post I have created for you some handy tips on how to de-stress during this hectic time of year.
1) Get rid of those assholes on Facebook who hate everything on the face of this earth…Aside from themselves.
Okay maybe that was a little harsh, but honestly I’m not going to seize my love of social media by shutting down my Facebook account because there is ‘too much drama’. What I am going to do, is delete these such individuals off my news feed, because they are so annoying with their ‘he loves…he loves me not’ bullshit…Or the whole, ‘I’m going to kick (insert tagged name here) sorry ass for talking shit about me behind…’
Ahem…Anyways, by engaging in step number 1, you will alleviate a whole lot of involuntary negative energy from your life, thus making the holiday season (and your future in general) more enjoyable.
2) Do not…I repeat, DO NOT put a damn Elf on your shelf.
Well maybe some of you super Moms out there can do it without the added stress and strain, but I sure as hell am not touching that gimmick with a ten foot pole.
How could a sweet little creepy elf be stressful you ask? Possibly because you HAVE to think of interesting and creative things for the bugger to get into in the morning, because God forbid you forget and then the kids think that little Snowflake Snorts-A-Lot is sick or something. Causing absolute chaos on an otherwise normal and nonchalant morning.
Not to mention the fact that you are wasting batches upon batches of cookies because the little bastard keeps getting into them! But oh how the children love it.
I’m pretty sure my kids will be just fine, without a stupid Elf on our shelf.
3) Continuously remind your children…Any child you come in contact with in fact, that an ancient fat man is watching them around the clock for the month of December.
In my experience, this little fabricated plan works like a charm. Whether it is terrifying the young ones into submission, or bribing them to be good little boys and girls for Santa Claus is indeed coming to town, I’m not sure. Call it what you will, it works.
So why fix something that isn’t broken right?!
4) Don’t lose your cool when plans don’t go your way.
Sometimes, plans change…Especially when you are dealing with a large family. Dinner time just may get delayed because somebody is running late. Maybe one of the kids comes down with a dire stomach flu and you are suddenly down 4 people at your already name categorized Christmas table. Possibly ol’ Daddy-o consumes one too many rum and eggnogs and decides to serenade your neighborhood with his made up Christmas jingles…Don’t freak out, you know why?
Because it’s fucking Christmas that’s why…Despite all of your failures on this day, your stresses and up-roaring anxiety, it will still be Christmas.
Whether you like it or not.
5) Have sex…Lots of it.
Proven fact: Sex is a stress reliever.
So there it is my friends, the list to end all lists when it comes to your boisterous insecurities about this Christmas season.
My gift to you, enjoy…
May you have a stress free holiday season this year!