5 classic Disney movies that have taught me lifelong lessons

1. Aladdin

  • Go ahead, lie, cheat, steal as long as you are deemed a ‘diamond in the rough’ you will come out laughing.

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  • Who says you can’t push your way to the top? Get in there, deceive your way into the kingdoms walls and lie to the love of your life about who you really are…It’s all good, you know why? Because you’re a god damn diamond in the rough!

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  • Soon you will be royalty, so none of your shady past will matter.

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2. Beauty and the Beast

  • Being a dick is a sure-fire way to get the gal of your dreams.

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  • Imprison your future father-in-law, allow his daughter to take his place in a vain attempt for her to fall in love with you. And for good measure,  scream and yell and throw her across the room when Daddy isn’t around.

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  • Keeping secrets is a great way to enhance the mystery in a relationship.

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  • Your lady love will still fall madly in love with you, because she will know that deep down you can change…And she will hold tight to that notion.

Beast prince And last but not least, bestiality is wrong, do not kiss the dude until he has turned into a handsome prince…Because he will…They always do.

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3. Cinderella

  • A great past time when you are a slave is to make clothing for small rodents.

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  • While you are constructing these tiny T’s, really internalize your anger of losing both your parents and becoming a servant to the three most horrible women in the history of step-anything’s. Stuff all those emotions way way down there and sing and dance in merriment so no one can detect your woes.

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  • Always, always pretty yourself up before meeting a potential mate because he will most definitely not want you for who you truly are.

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  • As well run away from any man who shows the slightest interest in you, in order to conceal your true self.

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  • Invest in a pair of glass slippers…They will change your world.

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4. Alice in Wonderland

  • Never think twice about following a wild animal into a small dark place…It will certainly end in an exciting adventure.

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  • When some doorknob tells you you’re too fat, follow his instructions to swig a mystery drink to lose some much needed poundage.

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  • Cry, cry and cry some more. This will assure that people will feel bad for you and help you in any way possible.

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  • There is no such thing as too much foreshadowing.

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  • The best kind of second hand smoke is from that of a caterpillar.

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  • Cats are not to be trusted.

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  • Eat mushrooms…Lots of mushrooms. They will make you big enough to conquer the world…That is if you eat the right side.

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  • And the best way to end a story is that it was all a dream.

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5. Dumbo

  • Storks do not work solo, they deliver infants in flocks…And if one strays away from the group horrible mutations in the babe will follow.

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  • Coulrophobia more than likely originated from this movie.

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Terrifying, just terrifying.
Terrifying, just terrifying.
  • Infant pachydermal drunkenness is hilarious and horrifying all at the same time, but makes for great entertainment.

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Especially when combined with freaky acid trip visions.

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  • And finally, If you are different in any way shape or form, you must be able to do extraordinary things in order to be accepted by your peers.
"Look now I can fly...Now not only just my Mom can love me!!"
“Look I can fly…Now not only just my Mom can love me!!”

So yes there certainly are some questionable morals set forth in these classic Disney movies, but what can I say? I will keep watching and enjoying them, and have already introduced the wonder of Disney to my children.

Because a kid without Disney…Is a weird kid.

And like really…I turned out fine, right?!

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