UH-OH the doctors office just called…You’re due for your yearly check-up! Oh no, you don’t even have a Pre-Pap Prep Plan! Have no fear my friend, The Blogging Mama has got you covered.
Follow this list of 39 confusing and insane instructions and you will do just fine!
The Pre-Pap Prep Plan:
1. Stand in the shower the morning of looking awkwardly down debating whether or not to go all out and fully shave in preparation for the ol’ doc or just trim it up so you don’t look too overzealous.
2. Stress about number 1 for over 30 minutes or until running out of hot water and eventually saying “Screw it! He can deal with the bush monster!”
3. Make a pathetic attempt to find a babysitter for the children and secretly hope no one can do it having an excuse to cancel.
4. Your Mom and/or best friend will definitely come through for you at the last minute because they care about the well being of you and your lady parts.
5. Slowly drive to the appointment. So slowly in fact that the traffic behind you begins honking furiously at your dawdling.
6. Before getting out of the vehicle extend your nose as close as possible to the area of examination to ensure there are no strange smells exiting the crotch-al region.
7. Prepare to spray perfume in that general locale if stench exists.
8. Hopefully no odour will be detected.
9. Be Thankful that did not work out the way you thought it might, because spraying chemicals at that delicate area seems like a bad idea upon recall.
10. Upon entering the building, the smell of sickness will hit you like a rhino in heat (because obviously everyone can imagine what that would feel like) you may have the overwhelming urge to run.
11. You must think of your private parts health and carry on with your duty.
12. “Hi I’d like to get a Pap smear please.” You will say loud enough for the entirety of the waiting room to hear.
13. You immediately will realize that that was an unnecessary sentence to say to the receptionist.
14. And after probably the most ill-at-ease admittance in the history of the doctor’s office you will be declared to wait in the small room in which the deed will be done.
15. The nurse will advise you to get undressed. Tell her you are really comfortable with your body because you’ve had a kid, so you don’t care if she leaves.
16. She will leave.
17. Get undressed extremely quick because you don’t want just anybody opening the door on accident and there you are standing buck ass naked for the whole doctors office to see…And then realize you are not at all comfortable with your naked body.
18. Sit up on the table and wonder how many other naked people have laid upon this paper sheet.
19. Come to terms with the fact that the sheet that they provided to cover your bottom half is not very big and half of your ass is hanging out…
20. Recognize that it may be time to activate the winter work out plan again.
21. Immediately become concerned that you have been waiting too long and wonder if they have forgotten about you.
22. Begin to stress out completely that they in fact have forgotten about you and debate getting up to call out the door to someone.
23. Then remind yourself of the tiny covering and realize you cannot open up that door of sanctuary if wanting to conceal your blooming buttocks.
24. Engage in a battling conflict with yourself whether to take the chance of getting up to use the cell phone that rests in your purse on the other side of the room to call the front desk or not. The doctor will walk in at this point.
25. Produce mixed feelings as you’re happy for not having to wait any longer but now know what will be next.
26. “Hi I’d like to get a Pap smear please.”
27. Don’t actually say it, but think it, which will make you begin laughing out loud (for you young folks reading this ‘LOL-ing’) this in turn will allow the doc to assume that you are bat shit crazy.
28. He will ask you to lay down. Do it.
29. He will ask you to scooch down to the bottom of the table and place your feet in the stirrups. Do that too.
30. He will say you didn’t scooch enough and to scooch even further down…Jesus you are a terrible listener. He will get mad at you because apparently you don’t know the meaning of ‘scooching’.
31. You will finally know you’ve got it when you are in a ridiculously uncomfortable position.
32. You may or may not sort of feel like you need to fart.
33. You hold that sucker in though! Because holy Dinah would that ever be embarrassing. And unfortunate for the Doctors face which is unnervingly close to ground zero.
34. Ponder the question of whether he has noticed that you didn’t shave? Begin to freak out a little about it making you clench up. But unclench when he tells you to…He will tell you to.
35. When the Doctor surfaces he will ask you how your husband is doing.
36. ‘Oh he is doing just great! Working lots, but spending a good amount of family time with us too. You know what Doc, life is just peachy for us right now. Feeling good that is for sure.’ Is what you would have said if there wasn’t a large metal clamp currently opening up your vaginal canal. So instead you will timidly whisper, “He’s fine.”
37. You will read the first 15 items on the list that hangs on the roof above you, “101 ways to stay Happy” Well that is just a terrible thing to have to read while this is happening isn’t it? You will feverishly try to enjoy the literature.
38. And then when you are just about to read number 16, it will be done.
39. And as you quickly get dressed in fear of somebody walking in on you, think, ‘I don’t know what I was so worried about. That wasn’t that bad at all!’
And there you go, no need to ever stress about another Pap Test again! All thanks to The Blogging Mama and her ingenious ability to create awesome and inspiring lists for your reading (and learning) enjoyment.