14 ways to not get lucky tonight…

This post is brought to you by years of girly gossip and rational examination in bedroom responsibility. The weirdness has got to come to an end!

And the way I see it, ladies we must bind together to eradicate all of the awkward things men do to us in their sorted attempt to turn us on.

"Why you do this to me..."
“Why you do this to me…”

1. The Ultimate Camel Toe.

Whoever the chick was who said ‘oh ya baby, I like it when you camel toe me’ I’d like to punch in the face.  Men, let me just tell you this- It is not hot nor a turn on to us when we are making out and you decide to clutch the front of our underwear with your studly hands and yank upwards in the most unappealing way.

It is both uncomfortable and an uneasy feeling to have cotton wedged between our delicate flower petals. Please discontinue this method of turn-on-ery immediately.

2. The Sawing Mechanism.

Hey buddy you’re engaging in foreplay here, not constructing a God damn domicile. You sawing our vaginas in half with your calloused and squalid hands is an unfortunate ordeal to say the least.

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3. When Push Comes To Shove.

Look, there we are just cuddling you nicely. Head on your big manly chest feeling nice and cozy and you have to go and ruin the moment by imperturbably pushing upon the top of our head making us slide down to your nether regions.

So then in an act of total revolt we begin to push our way back towards your now scowling face and there begins the push of war predicament.

If you hadn’t of been so crude about it in the first place I’m sure we could have worked something out.

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4. Listen for a Reason.  

Sometimes guys, we women don’t feel we are at our optimum freshness down there. So when we either grab you by the head and lead you back towards our face instead of the opposite direction or,  we say ‘let me go have a quick shower…’ do not argue.

We do this for a reason and in the end it  is for your benefit, not ours.

5. The Humpity Hump

Hey we like our morning sex as much as the next person. But listen very carefully boys…It is not pleasurable to be woken up by a horny dude dry humping our leg at 5:30 in the morning.

Here are some helpful alternatives…

The gentle ear nibble

A light and loving stroke on the face

Even going all out and ravishingly making out with us whilst we still sleep is better than imitating that bothersome canine at a party that won’t leave you alone because you are on your period.

6. The word Period does not just mean what we use to end a sentence.

It is a 3 to 5 day ordeal. Get over it.

And if you keep on being persistent we will just give in and then you will know the true meaning of devastation.

It will be messy, and more than likely you will be grossed out beyond belief. let’s just save ourselves a lot of ickyness and wait this shit out.

7. Extreme Flatulence.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that 90 percent of the time we say “I’m not in the mood” it is because we have a tremendous case of gassiness. Now really, being repeatedly pounded in that general area is not going to help our plight and it will only really result in the unfortunate consequence of queefing.

All too soon we are both laying there speechless because neither of us knew it was possible for that much air to exit a vagina.

8. “Yep, that’s a big one…”

On behalf of annoyed women everywhere I will just shout it to the complete internet that every man in this world has a great big penis…

Now boys, you can stop asking us to voice this sentiment to you.

Done.

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9. Twist And Shout.

Just an FYI, our breasts are not TV knobs and we do not appreciate them being used as such.

They are tender and if they must be grasped please do so in a nurturing and love filled fashion.

We do not enjoy them being spanked or slapped or violently pushed together so our cleavage looks enormous.

"I'm gunna get ya"
“I’m gunna get ya”

 

10. The Hangnail From Hell.

Please manicure yourselves before attempting to tickle the tortoise. It is tender down there and snags, from uncut fingernails, happen more often than you would think.

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11. This broadcast is R rated.

Stop watching television while we are doing it with you…

12. Don’t Get ahead of yourself.

I don’t know, think of your grandma or dead puppies or something. We were just starting to get into it and there you are chucking your pucks already.

Now what are we supposed to do?

Hello Battery Operated Boyfriend.

 

13. Do you consider yourself the  Rock tonight?

And then there is that pivotal moment when you want-to-be buff dudes think you are strong enough in the middle of act 3 to thrust us off the bed and into your brawny arms.

All the while we are freaking out because we are positive you are not able to support our weight and fear you may drop us on our ass at any given moment.

This severely diminishes our pleasure time because all we can think about is the constant fear of plummeting to the ground.

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14.  The Drunken Rapey Eyes.

And finally that moment when you have had a few too many alcoholic beverages and we become the object of your affection.

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So there she be boys, I deeply hope you will take these tips into consideration.

you know, just a little food for thought.

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