Ok so there I was having a really special time with all of your Selfies…
That was terrible way to start out this post.
My initial plan for this post was to capture all of the pictures you guys sent in for me and liberate them. I was going to do this by recreating them into such idiocy that the jist of the picture could no longer be taken seriously, thus healing the Selfie in question out of its pathetically remorseful state of Selfiness.
In these last few days I have been on a quest to understand the Selfie. I thought I had learned a considerable amount, but now as I try to recreate your Selfies, I realize I am still very much a novice in the Selfie taking endeavour.
Look at this god-damn Selfie. This is the Selfie to end all Selfies. To recreate this masterpiece would not only be disgraceful, but downright heinous.
But I did it anyway.
And do you want to know what I came up with?
This heap of garbage (and not to mention a bad case of burning retina)
‘Okay moving on’ I thought to myself as I meandered slowly through my home solely by memory because I was temporarily blinded by my attempting to imitate a Selfie I had ABSOLUTLEY no business imitating.
This work of art here…Oh yes, it may seem simple at first glance but I literally have no idea how she was holding the camera. Like, how did she do that? Getting that angle and that distance…Any seasoned Selfie taker knows that that kind of body-camera distance ratio is a very difficult to achieve. But there she is, all over that. Oh how I envy her abilities right now.
And then there’s me…
Look at me struggling to reach. So much that the extra exertion seems to be producing a very unbecoming double chinny chin chin.
Ok what do we have next here.
The reading in bed Selfie. Look at this girl- relaxed and all settled down about to get into her book. She is looking forward to getting a good read on. If I didn’t know better I would argue that this isn’t even a Selfie.
My question is this: How does one read a book and take a Selfie at the same time? It’s lunacy I tell you, absolute Lunacy!
YOU CANNOT READ A BOOK WHILE TAKING A PICTURE…IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Ok well moving forward, next topic…
This guy right here…He looks like he might just jump out of the photo and eat up your soul in front of your own bloody eyes.
And he looks like he might enjoy it too.
Do you know how difficult it is to get that ‘Am I crazy or scary’ vibe all from a Selfie?
Not an easy feat I can tell you that much.
So now we continue on to the lovely couples shot. The ‘I’m so friggen happy I can be cute and charming in just the perfect way’ Selfie.
And then there is Jamie and I…
Just plain disturbing.
The endearingly likeable Selfie:
Can we say creepy?
The Crazy hair Selfie…Note how pretty she still looks even with her ridiculously big hair.
Note how terrifying I look when trying to imitate her photo.
And one more time for the cheap seats in the back…
A: The gazing out the window thinking deeply Selfie…
B: The gazing out the window thinking deeply Selfie…
I don’t think it quite worked out as well for me.
When I received this picture I thought, “Oh good, drinking coffee-this is something I’m really great at in real life so I will without doubt be able to mimic my love for coffee into a Selfie shot!”
I think I may have overshot it…
No one is that happy in the morning.
last but not least I received this Selfie,
And I thought YES! This is my chance to really up the stakes and go down in Selfie history as an individual who can actually recreate at least one sound Selfie out of the mix.
And that was when my phone died…
“We all know that a phoneless Selfie taker, isn’t truly a Selfie taker at all.”
So here ends my journey from the magical world of Selfies. I’ve learnt some, I’ve lost some, and who knows I may revisit some in due time…But in the end, what I truly want to say to Selfies in general is,
Fuck You Man