I have a drinking problem…

The problem in question may not be what you think though.

It was a long day, a hard day, a day where you just want to tell the world to fuck right off. I knew what I needed to boost me up, but I had to wait until the kids were tucked in for the night. As I was putting the babes to bed, I could hear the trickle of wine hitting glass, feel the press of a goblet touch my lips and taste the splendour of this magnificent liquid warm my guts…Oh yes, I wanted it bad.

So after rushing through bath time, story time and nighty night kisses I retrieved my half bottle of red from the cabinet and was about to set into er.

Regrettably upon attempting to open the thing, I realized in my last tipsy state I must have shoved the cork back in too far.

The real mystery here is why did I have a half bottle of wine in the first place? Who drinks only HALF a bottle of wine? This is just pure lunacy!

Anyways so now I was in the fateful dilemma of having to find the cork screw to delve into my beauty.

Nowhere to be found…

Thank god my neighbors could not see me through the windows from where I stood in my kitchen looking all despondent and sad, because it didn’t take too long of searching, to give up and proceed to do the most low down, despicably crude thing I could have ever done.

Folks if you get offended easily, please close down this screen right now. Discontinue your reading because things are about to get nasty.

The one thing my mother told me to never do, I did.

I attempted to wrangle that damn cork out of its hole with my teeth. There I am, standing on forlorn linoleum, bottle in one hand and legs spread apart for a full out strong stance effect…

I go in for the gold, upon gripping onto the porous plug I have an immediate reflex to gag, because let’s face it: when getting anything other than food shoved into your eating orifice it makes you want to barf…Some are just better at restraining this impulse than others. To be clear, I am not one of those people.

I got a good latch though, so onwards I plunged. It wasn’t budging, so I tried a different approach and began hysterically shaking my head to and fro while holding that bottle with a firm loving grip, nothing would allow me to drop her.

This too was a failed attempt and in the process I managed to further chip my front tooth in which was already chipped in an earlier hapless wine drinking incident.

I felt at a loss, finally the saying ‘so close, yet so far away’ truly meant something to me.

But could I give up? Now that I’ve come so far in my bottle entering quest? I must strive on I thought with vociferous deliberation…I WILL CONQUER!

Quickly without using any forethought whatsoever I dashed to the cutlery drawer and snatched the nearest knife. Holding it up with retaliatory grip I plunged it straight into the stopper whilst screaming in an animalistic tongue,

“You shall open you bastard and I will drink your remains!”

And low and behold I did it. Only took a little ingenuity and a bit more off the ol’ chipper. But as I sit here drinking my wine, I feel truly accomplished.

Join me friends in a toast to resourcefulness- the maker of great tales,  and the originator of tipsy written blog posts.

Here, Here!

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8 thoughts on “I have a drinking problem…

  1. Poor you 😉 I’ve been there too. I live in France, which is excellent to get good wine dirt cheap, but has the drawback of making me a snob about screw-top wine bottles; I need to hear that satisfying “plock” as part of the enjoyment process. I now have several corkscrews so that I never get caught out!

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  2. been there 😳

    tried to prise the cork out by slipping a knife or a screwdriver between the side of the cork and the bottle and levering the bugger out – never worked

    All that happened was the cork was decapitated, leaving the bottom half still stuck in the bottle neck. Was then forced to get a hammer, place the handle end of the screw driver against the cork, then batter it into submission. Once it was pushed fully into the bottle, I could then carefully pour the wine into my waiting mouth glass, albeit often accompanied by unwanted fragments of shattered cork

    This has happened too many times, so now I have learned my lesson – I only buy wine in screw-top bottles 😆

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    • Haha that is a terrible plight! I agree with you on the screw tops, after this incident I don’t think I will ever purchase a corked bottle again!! To be honest I think it was just dumb luck I got it out this time, and do NOT want to have to cut into my ‘wine time’ again with these silly little set backs!

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      • even better than screw-tops, buy a Box of wine – but don’t tell that snobby MM (she’s gone all posh and la-de-da since moving to France) 😆

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