I woke up this morning feeling groggy. Maybe it was the copious amounts of drifted snow commandeering me into my home, maybe it was that damn time change screwing my kids sleep patterns for the 5th year in a row, or perhaps it was the bottle of wine I drank last night trying desperately to conjure up some creative flow.
Needless to say I was not in great spirits this morning. As I chugged back my Baileys and coffee…It somehow seems like a Baileys and coffee kind of day (I’m not a lush I swear!) I scrolled through Facebook as per my usual morning routine and every other post was someone complaining about this snow.
Well in usual circumstances I would tell them to suck it up because we live in Alberta and thems the ropes around here. But this morning; this morning was different.
The hangover had begun to take me, but my very pregnant sister in law texted me saying she was going to pop over. The first thought that entered my foggy mind was, ‘Shit, I’m going to have to shovel the front walk…There is no way she is going to be able to waddle through 3 feet of snow.’
Old Man Winter-1 Lindsay-0
I slipped on my husband’s winter boots grabbed the shovel and set out on my quest. Half way down the footpath I realized I should have put on some mittens, my hands were shifting beat red and crackled before my eyes. I can’t stop now though, I’ve come too far.
Thank god none of my neighbors were out, the groaning and grunting that was exiting my mouth was embarrassing to say the least. And a low steady fart streamed out of me due to the extra exertion that my body was clearly not used to…Again I say thank God no one was in my immediate vicinity.
Finally I conquered and prevailed the front but quickly I realized I should tackle the back deck whilst having gear in hand. So after finding some fuzzy mittens I trudged my way to the back yard.
Opening the gate that lead to my destination was my first obstacle. The snow drifted up against it, making it literally impossible to push open. So back in through the house to get to the back patio, I should have went…But no, I figured there had to be an easier way due to my extreme lethargy at the time. As I had mentioned the snow was drifted rather high, making the fence look seemingly short.
I will tell you this, fresh fallen snow cannot support a 150 140 pound frame, so down into the bank I fell. Still on the wrong side of the fence for that matter and covered in quickly melting coldness. I am not one to use acronyms all willy nilly but when I do I mean business…F.M.L.
And I realize that it is extremely confusing that I could not push the gate open, but managed to fall though the ‘light’ snow…Believe me it still boggles my mind!
I finally make it to the rear of my home, after realizing entrance through the house was really my only option (keep in mind, I was still a bit murky from my prior engagements the night before) and once again I set in on my shoveling system.
Next obstacle; the 5 green garbage bags of waste that were chucked out of the back door these last few days in which I have neglected to place into their appropriate garbage cans…Now they lay under 3 feet of snow.
Again with the grunting, the huffing and puffing and ya the farting too. Only this time my neighbor was out doing his deck as well, I pray to god he was having the same difficulties as I, because I sure wouldn’t want him spreading around the neighborhood that I can’t handle my heavy labour and excrete odd and demoralizing sounds while trying to get the job done.
I finally finished and once I did, hunkered sluggishly down on the couch and watched Disney movies with the kidlets for the remainder of the day.
I can honestly say as I sit here this evening, drinking a glass of wine and again searching for some more creative flow (yes let’s stick with that), that for an elderly guy, Old Man Winter sure kicked my ass today.
And I desperately hope that our relationship drastically improves over these next long months of wintry weather.