Here begins the tale, of a woman, an unborn child and the plight of pregnancy.
It began with her vagina- A slight shooting pain.
She didn’t think much of it. There was always strange aches and pains in the beginning of pregnancy right? Unfortunately within a few days this pain escalated into a driving force that began in her vulva and shot like a bolt of knife-like lighting strait into her asshole, which left only a lingering feeling of disbelief.
Disbelief, and the all to sudden knowledge that this pregnancy thing was not going to be all rainbows and lollipops as she had ardently hoped.
After the awkward stint of sitting in crowded places with unordinary vaginal behaviour, came the flatulence.
This posed yet another problem. Not only did the woman have to constantly be on the lookout when secretly letting out her reeking vapour, but her bedroom life had been diminishing quickly after the accidental ‘Dutch oven episode’.
And then there was the ill-fated moment when she believed she was letting out an innocent lady-like fluff and seconds later felt a torrent of poop running down her pajama pant leg.
It was unpleasant, to say the least.
It wasn’t until around week 24 when she attempted to shave her nether regions and realized how horrendous she had let this once beautifully manicured place become. Now it resembled some sort of bush monster, sort of reminiscent to a drunken homeless man’s beard.
So, the hand mirror came out and with an unsteady hand she began her shearing. By the end, the bush monster had been tamed. Albeit it did look as though a drunken homeless man had used his rickety hand to get the job done.
Then came the nipple pain. The nipple pain that made her so damned crazy at one point she contemplated ripping off those nipples.
She thought better of it in the end.
The bloat, the swollen feet, the fact that the heartburn was so bad during sex that a few times she threw up in her mouth and swallowed it, in an attempt not to offend her husband during this bumpy ride.
None of these things were as bad as the complete and utter loss of decorum that incurred each time she visited the doctor.
Whether it be, an intern doctor checking her every crack and crevice. Or having to tell the receptionist when calling to make the appointment, the nurse when arriving and then again the doctor that her hemorrhoids were acting up again…And is it normal for them to burn so much?
When finally doing her diabetes testing, she was sure the results would come out positive as her weight gain was so phenomenal it even astounded her. Sugar was her friend, at that point, due to her ghastly behavior in which she whole heartedly blamed on hormones, sugar was her only friend.
But a good friend.
And fortunately a friend who luckily didn’t screw with her blood sugar levels too much.
Every day the woman would set aside 20 minutes of her time to do her kegel exercises, all the while wondering if the ‘experts’ were just pulling her leg. How could this little exercise help her vagina bounce back from being the size of a cantaloupe? It was against the laws of physics, not to mention the most frightening mental image.
If the woman had thought that the visits to the doctor’s office had been demoralizing, any ounce of dignity she had left was gone once being admitted into the delivery wing of the hospital.
There she lay, all 220 pounds of her.
She found relief when bouncing on the large rubber exercise ball that was in the room. Whilst holding her husband’s hand and her bare cellulite-y ass facing the open door, she cried tears of angst.
Oh how she wanted this to be over. Not just the labour, not just the pain. THE WHOLE LOT OF IT! The little quirks of pregnancy that no one ever tells you about. The embarrassing moments, that simply cannot be avoided.
There is no denying that pregnancy and labour are a truly humbling experience.
And then after some odd hours of labouring, screaming, crying and telling the random nurse beside her that she may kill her if she doesn’t ‘shut the hell up’…Not to mention pooping an extraordinary amount on the delivery table; there came a baby.
A baby that did not completely diminish the pain, a baby that did not erase the woes of pregnancy, but a baby that allowed the woman to understand why she had gone through it all.
And why, she just may do it again one day.