Maybe children do this to all women, maybe not…At this point the only thing I know is that my levels of ‘crazy’ have skyrocketed since bringing these two babes into the world.
1.Your fixation with the medical community. Do you have a sore elbow? Is that headache just not going away? Are there weird growths appearing on your body that you never noticed before?
Go to the doctor!
You used to be one of these people that if something ailed ya, you would chalk it up to a passing woe and hope it would buff itself out. You never went to see the local family doctor, hell you didn’t even have a local family doctor.
But this strange phenomenon happened once bringing your little people into this world; you began caring about your health, your body and your physical well being.
And like many things in my life, you have now went completely overboard with the matter.
At this time, you are close to being on a first name basis with the ol’ Doc, going to gain his knowledge about random fanatical queries on a weekly basis. It’s come to the point where you look forward to visiting the clinic, a place your mind will finally be a rest, once stepping foot into those immaculately sanitized swinging doors.
2. You assume every human being is a pedophile. Ya, sick right? You used to be the most trusting individual, not really having much concern for anything when it came to the ‘downfalls of humanity.’
But here you are now, a unfamiliar person approaches your children at the park, and you swoop in faster than one can say ‘Stranger Danger’ with a questioning look and a glare of pure daggers.
And it doesn’t stop there either, once this new arrival has passive aggressively explained that his child only wanted to play alongside yours, you begin questioning the authenticity of his parenting. Is this really his child? Has he stolen this kid? must you intervene? As a parent yourself, you must be protective of all the world’s children…Somewhat like a superhero.
This kid does look a bit weary now that you think of it. And you must say, that man does not have a ‘parent’ look to him.
You decide you cannot play vigilante, but will stay at the playground to watch the interactions of this unknown man and his ‘child’ a bit longer…Just to be safe.
Meanwhile, this man is thinking the exact same thing about you. How dare he?
3. Your obsession with all things poop. Before children, pooping was just something you did after your morning coffee. You enjoyed it well enough, but never thought too much about the act.
Ever since bringing home that new born and having to monitor his/her poo’s in your little black notebook, you have become compulsive about fecal matter.
It hits you that obviously if it is that important to keep track of the poops in those first few weeks, poops MUST be pretty darn important. So for the rest of your children’s lives you ask them fanatically about their stool…Sometimes even requesting to view a sample, if their description is questionable.
And if you have a concern? See note 1.
4. The notion that all of your children’s friends, are ‘Bad Eggs’. Of course, there is always that one friend, who is the good one…The one parents always like (I was that friend) and truly this is the one that is more than likely is the worst influence on your little dumpling.
But it seems the more friends your child brings home, the worse they get each time. Them with their piercings and body art; how dare they!
You know it has gotten real bad when your child is only 4, and you are whispering at a birthday party that you don’t want him hanging out with ‘So and So’ because he is going to be a bad influence when they get a bit older.
If you have done this, it may be time to evaluate your judging process.
5. You blindly smell articles of clothing, carpets or anything really that you feel may have an odd tang impending upon it.
There is no going in gently for a light sniff. No.
You are so bound and determined to find out where that horrid ghastly smell has originated, whilst screaming, ‘What is the disgusting smell!?!’ you are madly rummaging through your child’s room shoving anything you can imagine it to be directly into your snout, and when you do finally locate the article in question, your nose is overcome with this overpoweringly offensive smell.
You are gagging and in a state of upheaval, yet somewhere in the back of your mind, the pride swells within you; because you have conquered and prevailed, you found what it was that you were in search of. And no one can take that away from you.
Do you have any more ‘Sure Fire’ signs? If so, throw me a comment, I’d love to hear it!