As much as I love and trust my husband, there is certain lights I do not want him to see me in. I know, I know all couples get to ‘that point’ at some time or another, I am just not ready for that time to be now. Hell, maybe I’m crazy but I just don’t think the sight of me sitting on the can…Or say, picking my nose, would be something that would get his motor revving (Yes, I just used that phrase, do not judge!)
So I have just got off work, Jamie and the kids are out at my parents farm, trying to fix the van which AGAIN has something wrong with it. I am on the computer psychotically toggling between my WordPress Stats page and my brand new, Blogging Mama Facebook Page.
‘Oooh another like on the Facebook page, let’s check out if I have any action happing over at WordPress’ and I go on like this for awhile…When did I become so attention crazed? I think to myself, but the thought is quickly pushed aside by a strange jabbing feeling inside my nose.
‘Holy lord, that hurts, what the heck is that?’
But I already know what it is. A booger, and not just any snot wad, one of those buggers that are hard and compressed up against the side of your nose…And they Jab you…And it hurts.
Since beginning my new housekeeping regime I have been accosted by a continuous stuffy nose, maybe it’s the chemicals I breathe in all day, or the fact that I am constantly touching things that potentially cold infested strangers have touched, but regardless it is happening.
I decide to go in for a dig, because I already know a simple blow job will not suffice.
I locate a jutting edge of the hard poky character, I begin to pull but am awfully careful as I feel one wrong move could lead to a nose bleed…I bleed easily from the snout-al region.
As I am pulling I hear something I truly do not want to hear. The door is opening, I hear the boy child enter, then the girl…Soon to follow will be husband and I am smack dab in front of them with a huge hard booger half hanging from my beak.
I try to speed the process along, GET IT OUT OF THERE, ya know!? When I realize only the front end of the thing is hard, following it is a long pliable stringy bit….The ol’ ‘Toss and Flick’ is now totally out of the question!
“Theeeere Coooming….” is ringing in the most frontal area of my mind, and the panic is starting to kick in.
This is going to be messy.
I hear Jamie’s footsteps making their way up the walk. The kids have now gained entrance, they do not notice my plight yet…Yet. If they do see what is truly happening, they will call me on it for sure!
I frantically look around, searching for a tissue, no tissue to be found. A rag, an old sock, for the love of god; I NEED SOMETHING!
I have now removed the rock like mucus with its squishy tail and have it hidden in the palm of my hand. It feels sickening making me feel weird.
I am trapped, as I stand in the middle of our living room floor. The only way out; the 3 steps towards the kitchen, then to make my way to the bathroom where the solace of toilet paper awaits me.
My issue though is this, Jamie is now blocking my escape route as he stands in front of those glorious stairs, jibber jabbering on about his fix job on the vehicle.
“Uh huh…Oh sweet…That’s awesome hunny…” I indulge him, whilst feeling more and more uncomfortable with the gooey substance that still lies tentatively upon my hand.
As he talks, I still am looking around, and I am surprised he hasn’t mentioned the odd and eerie demeanour I wear out of pure fraught he will catch on to my repulsive ways.
Yes! I spot a pair of Sophie’s soiled pants lying in the entry way (in any other circumstance I would be mad they were there, not today; Not. Today.) Lars then too comes to my aid as he asks his father a question and as Jamie turns to speak to his son, I make a dive for the article of urine soaked clothing.
Upon turning back towards me, I coolly throw the little pink pants that smelled of urine and now house my boogery mess as well, down the flight of stairs towards our homes laundry room.
‘Jamie you really shouldn’t leave her stinky pants laying around, it’s gross.’ I think of saying, but decide not to press my luck.
It was a close call, but like always The Blogging Mama made it out…Just in the nick of time.