From the first time your father placed you upon my chest, I knew I would do anything for you my son. I would go to the ends of the earth to keep you safe; to secure your happiness in this life. Since that time, this…truth, has only grown stronger.
I wish there was a way I could articulate how I feel. I so wish I could find the words to make you feel safe and secure with this new way of life. I wish, oh so badly that we could go back to how it was, and you would not have to feel the angst of dissimilarity.
The other day when you asked me, whilst shoulders slumped and a total lack of enthusiasm in your voice, “Where are we going today Mom?” It made me realize how little I have seen of you, and how much babysitters have.
Today I try talking to you about how you feel in regards to my going back to work. I ask you if you are angry that we see each other less. You roll your eyes at me.
I ask you, if I can do anything to make this change easier on you. You say nothing.
Moments later, you hit your sister for no reason. I react with haste guiding my thoughts and yell at you to apologize to her. You draw out an over enunciated ‘Soooorry’ and continue on with your play.
I am about to scold you and tell you to ‘say it like you mean it’ when I allow myself to understand what it is you might be going through.
I have always been home. I have always been there to watch you through your milestones.
And now, now I am not.
I am working five to six days a week, you being left with sitters. I have not been there for you, even when I am in your midst. I am tired and drawn thin. I come home weary with aching joints, I have fallen short; only half giggling when you tell me a joke. Only half listening when you tell me about your trip to the Moon. Only half there, when I hold you.
I understand your short temper with me, even if you do not.
This is the new found reality I have inadvertently given to you, saddening me greatly.
From the day I found out your life had began inside of me, I made an oath so silent in which I even may have not realized the breadth of.
You and your sister are priority. I will travel to the greatest lengths to secure your place in this world. And I will never give up. The love I had for you both from your first stirrings, is indescribable, but fueled the fire of determination and gave me the fortitude to understand my new purpose in this life.
So right now, I will continue to work.
But know this, I do not work for my sake or the sake of your father. I do not work for my employers benefit either…I do this for you. I am doing what I can, to give you the things you need in life.
And I promise I will do better. I will be with you one hundred percent when I am home, giving you the emotional support that is so very important at this difficult time.
One day, I hope you will understand this letter I have written to you. But until that day, I will show you through action; and again I will make an oath, this time, one that is not so silent.
I will listen to your delicate nuances. I will teach you, I will hold you, I will laugh with you and I will do all these things without reservation. I will not hold back. I will not allow myself to overlook your feelings, because you are the inferno that glows within me, the life-force that allows me to continue on with vigor and stride.
And never again will I take that for granted.
You my children, are everything to me. My working does not mean you will be given free reign of your actions. It is my goal that your Father and I raise you to be upstanding members of society. But with this being said, our greatest achievement will be your growing to become simply happy well-adjusted individuals.
Whether I am working 20 or 60 hours a week, I will not fail you in this endeavour.
With more love than you could ever imagine;