How Do I Tell Him?

I have been sitting at my computer for almost an hour typing. I’ve been digging deep into the profundity of my brain to find a way to put down in words the love and adoration I feel for the men in my life on this day of fatherly commemoration.

I have come up with about 3 pages of antidotal stories, some funny, some sad, but all desperately trying to get across how I am feeling at this moment. None of them seem adequate for this task.

How do you tell your father, the man who you’ve screamed at, cried to and begrudged, that through it all you loved him dearly. Through the wretchedness that was your teenage years, the hundreds of times you told him ‘you hated his guts’, that you never really meant it, but just wanted to hurt him in that moment.

How do you say thank you for all of the sticky situations he has gotten you out of. A time when you were too young and brazen to realize what you were getting yourself into.

Today I went to visit my Dad, gave him a card with a few scratch tickets shoved inside the envelope along with a round of golf. Somehow now, looking back at what this man has done for me, I feel I may have came up a bit short.

Yet this kind of gratitude fails me at the moment.

My thoughts turn to my husband. How do I tell this man who has fully participated in raising our children, that every day I wonder how he can continue to be so amazing. How do I tell him, that when we fall asleep at night I stay awake worrying about what I would do without him. That I have learned from him, how to be a better person.

I look at this man, that I am so proud to call the father of my children and I thank God everyday that I was given the allowance to meet him and create with him the beautiful beings that we call Lars and Sophie.

The words ‘thank-you’, feel too modest, to diminutive for this kind of vast wonder.

My brother, the person who once knew me better than anyone. Despite being younger in age, he was always so much elder and wiser than me.  How do I tell this man, that although he does not have his baby in physical reach, he is still a father on this father’s day.

How can I explain, that I can already see the changes in him.

The way that he walks with just the slightest bit of extra pride in his step. Or when I see him playing with his niece and nephew, it makes me tear up a bit. It will only be a matter of months until he will be able to hold and play with his own child, and I can see it in his eyes, that he longs for that day. How do I tell him that I too joyfully anticipate this moment, and know without doubt, that he will be the most phenomenal Dad to that child.

But once again the right words pass me by.

I want to tell all three of these men that I love them. That without them, I would simply not be me. Each one of them has played a role in my life, a role that if not played, would have left me changed.

But how do I tell them this?

I suppose, dealings of this kind of magnitude, can never truly be accounted for in a lifetime.

For now, I will tell my Dad I love him, continue to listen to his words of wisdom and have a few laughs whenever we can.

I will revel in togetherness with my husband, and collectively we will watch our children grow and mature all the while becoming closer with each moment lived.

And I will share with Dustin and Ashley, the awesomeness of new life and novel beginnings.

To each and every one of the men in my life, I wish you the very best on this day and everyday afterwards. Thank you all for being the men that you are, and helping me become the woman I have grown into.

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