4 Embarrassing Moments I will never get back

Today I would like to give you, my lovely readers, just 4 (out of thousands) of embarrassing moments my children can never take back; reminding you that you are certainly not alone in this thing we call parenthood.

 

1)      Sophie and I were in a public restroom at the beach recently.  After she relieved herself I told her to stand to the side so I could sit down to do my business.

 

(Before I go on let me add this was a rather busy bathroom which was packed tight with listening ears.)

 

As I hovered myself over the toilet she looks at my bum, then at my face…Then at my bum again. She then yells out and I mean YELLS in the most compromising kind of way, “Mama, your butt is too big for this potty, is that why you don’t sit down?”

 

 

 

2)      I am not one to pass gas in front of just anyone, heck, my best friends of 15 years have seldom heard me do the deed. It personally just feels icky (for lack of a better term) and I prefer to keep my business to the solitude of a washroom or secluded area.

 

However, there are moments when your stomach is in a retched knot of gassiness and you know that the small and innocent act of passing gas will make you feel a million times better.

 

The kids and I were in the grocery store- I am in such stated predicament, so I began looking for a discreet locale to…well…release. It was then that Sophie took off in a run for no apparent reason. It was then that I grabbed Lars and hobbled awkwardly after her. It was then that I desperately tried to ‘hold it in’, yet found myself completely unsuccessful in that plight.

 

Let me paint you a picture- me running, butt clenched in futility, screaming at my child in a disturbingly demonic voice to, “Stop, stop where you are!” All the while I am exhaling loud puffs of pong from my rear. People are looking. People are pointing.  

 

And to add insult to injury Lars begins laughing hysterically asking, “Why are you farting so much Mom?”

 

 

3)      I love dresses, they are cool and their flow is simply perfect for the balmy summertime weather. What they are not perfect for is going on walks with the kids. Unfortunately this little nugget of information came to me a little too late.

 

The day was a scorcher but the kids wanted to go for a walk to the park. I slapped some sunscreen on them, their hats and shoes and we were ready to roll. I decided a nice long walk would get them good and tired so we opted for one of the further parks from our home. We arrived, they played and all was good.

 

As we were walking back I could see the fatigue in the children, especially little Sophie as she was trailing behind us considerably. It would not be long before she was dragging herself by fingertips along the black asphalt path we trudged.

 

So I grabbed my babe by the arms and swung her up onto my back. We walked for a bit and several times snickering skateboarders would roll past us laughing their juvenile raunchy laugh. I was beginning to wonder what the hell was so funny when I caught a brisk draft floating in and around an area in which the wind usually does not grace.

 

Turns out the girl’s foot had slipped under the hem of my dress as I lifted her up revealing my backside for all of the path’s patrons to see. On the bright side, I got a bit of a tan on an otherwise pretty pasty zone.

 

 

4)      Over winter the kids and I did a lot of swimming at the pool. On one occasion, after swimming as we were getting changed in the change-rooms I unintentionally flashed everyone in the joint…Almost full frontal. Let’s just say ‘full enough’ frontal.  

 

This is what you get when you dress your children first and leave the struggle of removing your sticky clingy one-piece that is not nearly as flattering when peeling down your body for last.  Your 3 year old daughter will indeed get bored of watching your undertaking and decide to fling open the door to the stall. 

 

There I was standing half naked and in shock to a room full of women and children, rolls of belly jelly hanging over the bottom half of suit that was still sucking in my lower portions (I’d like to say thankfully, but I’m not sure if ‘thankful’ would be the word for it)

 

At that moment I was a deer in the headlights and all I could do was stand there trusting I was not the only woman that had ever been duly embarrassed by their unaware offspring.

 

30…Things…About approaching 30 and settling down

 

1)      Your confidence is blooming- hell you’ve been on this earth for nearly 30 years! Why has it taken this long to start coming into your own? Regardless though, you are jacked about it! Go out there and strut your stuff you sexy thang!

2)      Your taste pallet is evolving- maybe you’ve always loved food, or maybe you haven’t. The point is now you are officially a grownup; not a 20-something but a real live adult. And you should try new things such as different foods. And you realize that new stuff actually can be interesting and fun.

3)      Your body is thanking you- Remember the days of living off nothing but beer and corn chips? Yeah me too. I miss those days with a fond envy. But alas they are gone. Now are the days of exercising for an hour each morning and replacing big macs for Greek yogurt. And however much this new mature lifestyle saddens you from time to time- your body is ecstatic about it.

4)      A new appreciation for old friends- You’ve always known how much your bestie has meant to you- yet now as you both approach this new chapter in life you find yourself becoming disgustingly nostalgic about all of the ‘good times’ (idiotic times) you and your friends have been through.

5)      Your idea of fun has changed immensely- In your early twenties you couldn’t wait to get out there and party all night at the hottest most jam-packed clubs. You wanted to be enveloped between other people’s sweaty bods on that dance floor and get your groove on. Now the entire concept of the club scene disgusts you. You have much better things to do with your precious time these days. Which brings me to my next point…

 

6)      You find yourself reverting back to your prepubescent self- Rather than clubbing, drinking till dawn and literally partying your ass off you see much more fulfillment in hunkering down with a big bowl of popcorn (sodium free and low fat) and watching your favorite movie. Which just happens to be the Lego movie…

7)      You have become the thing you hated most- I can vaguely remember a time when I would politely nod my head and smile an obviously fake smile when having been put through the absolute agony of listening to other people tell me stories about their children. In current days I do exactly this for a fucking living. WHAT HAVE I BECOME!?

8)      Your appreciation for the finer things ripens- In your teens and early twenties did you ever give a flying fuck about the beauty of a field of wildflowers? Did you ever stop on the side of the road to take a picture of the perfect sunset? NO of course you didn’t because you had places to go and people to see! Nowadays you seem to have all the time in the world to appreciate these once seemingly insignificant things of life.

9)      You poop regular- enough said. You. Poop. Regular.

10)   You have become either a better dancer…Or you simply don’t care anymore- When you do go out, whether it be for a wedding or some other type of mature festivity you rock your bod (only almost 30’s will probably get that last reference) on the dance floor and you don’t care who sees it!

11)   You chop your hair off- Maybe it is just me but in my experience of being and hanging out with almost 30’s there is a lot and I mean A LOT of talk about chopping the hair off because it makes us look younger. Or more respectable…There is a plethora of reasons why so just get on board with it people.

12)   SEX- Sex used to be this steamy sort of topic; chalk full of naughtiness and faux pas. Just talking about it was the ultimate turn on.

Now sex is a 7 minute midday quickie on the bathroom counter because it is the only room in the house that has a locking door.

This takes place while the children’s fingers creep eerily under that door whilst asking, “Whatcha doing in there guys?” from the other side.

And in correlation with above point…

13)   The words ‘let me take the kids for the night’ from your friends and family becomes the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard- That’s right, those few simple words make all the difference in this almost 30 and settling down life. It means a nice romantic night of couch cuddles and YouTube binging, going out for dinner and realizing you are drunk after three singles. Or, if you’re really looking to get crazy doing some much needed deep cleaning (this sounds dirtier than I intended it too, I literally mean deep cleaning the house) which is much easier without the little ones.

14)   You are astounded when an episode of Friends comes on in which you haven’t seen- you then shed a tear of happiness for the anticipation that exceeds all other possible emotions in that exact moment.

15)   You no longer feel as though you may puke in job interviews- I suppose this ties in with #1 and your confidence. But in your mature and wise ‘old’ age your coolness in your chosen career is so astounding that you actually begin to interview your potential employer. This results in one of two outcomes. You get the job right there on the spot due to your spectacular self-assurance or they escort you out of the building and politely ask you not to return.

16)  Sayings like “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” ~Chili Davis, begin making way too much sense to you.

17)  Removing the couch cushion covers and vehemently washing them while muttering curses towards the seemingly disgusting other human beings whom share your home becomes a monthly tradition- And it sucks.

18)  You tell yourself that you will speak your mind from now on- You immediately feel guilty for speaking your mind and hurting peoples feelings.

19)  You continue to jump blindly on board with internet fads- Possibly this is a vain attempt to seem younger but with each ‘naked face selfie’  ‘ending fat bashing campaign’ or other like topics you find yourself hoping right on board.

You later realize it is all a bunch of ridiculous bullshit and try to erase all evidence of your participation. Which you forget is impossible because it is “on the line”.

 

20)  You mockingly say things like “Is that what the young folk are doing these days?”- But it is not as funny since on some level you are actually wondering if in fact that is what the young folk are doing these days.

21)  It frightens you to see all of your favorite childhood shows on Teletoon Retro- And yet you have this odd pride that swells within you that your child would rather watch these shows than the crap they come up with nowadays.

22)  You find yourself getting odd looks of contrition when using words like “Super-duper” “Sweet” “That’s wizard” or “No doubt” amongst the younger crowd- But you feel lost without these turn of phrases as you surely cannot use the lingo these youngsters are using. So instead you resort to this…

 

23)  You have begun eating the heel of the loaf of bread- And thoroughly enjoy all the nutrients you are getting from that crusty goodness.

24)  You tell people you only have a Facebook to ‘keep up’ with everybody from high school- In other words to creep on your ex’s and see how much better you are doing than everyone else.

25)  You stop deliberating so much about what others think of you and start caring more about what you think of yourself- Oh no this post is taking a sentimental turn for the worse!

26)  You become a know-it-all despite how much you’ve always loathed this breed of person.

27)  You become obsessed, and I mean obsessed with OITNB- I just had to throw this in there…Like seriously…Best show ever!

28)  Things you once found hilarious, you now find dreadful- Things like Family Guy, You-Tube vids of people falling and crashing into things (I’m pretty sure I’m watching people dying or getting seriously injured here…Remind me how this is funny?) Or young children (particularly your own) reciting Tampax commercials- how is that much TV viewing even possible?

29)  Crying over children’s movies- I don’t mean to lament over this Lego Movie but COME ON! It’s just the best moral to a children’s flick I’ve seen since the friggen Fox and the Hound! OH GOOD GOD I’VE STARTED CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

30)  And finally- The dismaying realization that it was not nearly as difficult as expected to write a list of thirty…erm, things about approaching 30. It was actually quite easy. A little too easy…

I supposed that proves it; 30 is just around the corner.

And we are all more than ready for it.

Husband finally retaliates after two years of blog posts are written about him…

Yes in all reality Mr. Brown is often the butt of my blog posts. In my defense it is because I love the guy so much and never really stop thinking about him. 

But it makes sense that after this long of having posts written about you, you would eventually write a rebuttal statement. So for all of you Blogging Mama readers- here is my husbands note of retaliation in regards to all the shit I write about this man I love so dearly! 

(And no, I am not angry about this…I almost peed my pants laughing over the lip syncing thing….I honestly had no idea!) 

***

6 POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING REASONS I LOVE MY WIFE!

This is a “blog” dedicated to my incredibly talented author wife, I love you…

Please don’t be offended.

Lindsay and I have been married for nearly three years, we’ve been together for many more, and, depending on how she takes the next few paragraphs I assume for a lifetime ahead as well.

Like most relationships it’s a give and take and forgives kind of thing, a constant learning curve. But I am not here to discuss marital life, I am not here to talk about the distresses of being a parent, no, I am here to take the roll of the talented hands of my wife and confess to paper the things that make me laugh, the things that make me think, and the things that make me love and adore her more everyday!

                These are the things that are not spoken to open ears, in fact these are the things that are shunned to topic even behind closed and locked doors. Of course I am speaking of the inevitable and potentially embarrassing larks that make us all similar in that human fashion. Each one of these notable topics are relatable by most- if not all couples, and I am sure are interpreted in quite different thought processes. Nevertheless these are the things that I have come to accept and build love for my wife upon.

 

SLEEP TALKING

We’ve all been there, whether it’s an over indulged friend rambling angry nothings on your couch, or your seemingly possessed sibling wandering the kitchen for sustenance in the midst of the night, and eerie as it might come across, it’s funny!  It’s not a frequent occurrence in my house, but more often than not Lindsay will head for bed long before I do, giving me an unintentionally better chance of witnessing this humorous event. 

                Lindsay is an excellent mother, in fact, “the finest I have ever known”. Day after day she deals with tears, snot and the occasional blood and takes it as a blessing, but somehow I get the impression that she holds a lot in.

Why do I say that you ask?

Well there’s just something comical about an adult woman dealing out a punishment to a five year old boy who is actually snoring across the hall in the next room.

 

OCD

Not that my wife literally has OCD but come on guys what loving wife and mother isn’t the epitome of this disorder? I know what you’re thinking, this does not fit the discussion, and well it’s not quite so black and white. You see, my wife is like any of us human beings, most of the time if no one is looking we just plain “don’t give a shit” and that’s ok! There is a difference between clean and tidy, and Lindsay works her ass off for a clean house. But with two small kids if you worry about the tidiness you’ll go insane!

                So what makes me smile is when company is coming over, even the neighbors or a relative of the family, it’s as though the queen herself is on her way! I’m sure she realizes that most of these people have had children of their own and probably don’t care so long as the wine is flowing when they arrive. But like I said it must be something maternal that brings this along.

For myself at the time it’s quite distressing. It’s not shock from the ‘mise en place’ Nazi that has just submerged from my wife that bothers me, it’s that for some peculiar reason I cannot seem to help. I can ask, I can observe and try to aid, but to no avail.

I’m not sure if its stubbornness or …. Whatever it is there’s something about frantic Lindsay that really does it for me…. Which brings me to the next point….

AWKWARD TOPICS

Every wife loves to bring up the time their spouse made a fool of himself, and let’s face it, these things happen more than enough to be brought up. I’m not talking about women with other women, that’s not a topic I want to cover here!

Instead I mean the horrible gut turning feeling when your partner begins to bring up what she feels is the most universally accepted kinds of hilarity, you know the sort, the kind that brings your mind towards punching small kittens to stop you from breaking into tears in front of your peers…Don’t shake your head just keep reading.

I’ll admit, I may have a slight drinking problem- or rather a problem once drinking…. Oh boy… I get a little… rapey towards my wife. Yeah, rapey.

I don’t mean prison time offensive, I just get excited, I love my wife alright, quit judging!

And really, I don’t think she really minds, unless we are in public, she usually has something to say about that. Having said that, most of the time I’m pretty good about waiting till we get home (from what I remember).

Yet it still seems to be a fundamental conversation starter for her, nothing like getting the ball rolling while mine do too.

Common I’m not the only one!  You’re the one reading a blog post by a ‘rapey’ alright!

SLEEP TALKING II             

Alright, enough with that!

I know we spoke of sleep talking earlier; ironically there is a similar phenomenon that occurs whilst in the slumber of our chambers. This is not spoken voice in the conventional scene yet somehow it seems to create a mood in the room. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about passing gas, or perhaps more amusingly acceptable “farting”. 

I refer to it as sleep talking only because it sparks conversation. I’m not sure if it’s over tiredness or simply the child in me finding humor in the simple day to day bodily functions and its odd sounds. There is nothing harder than trying to keep a straight face and not embarrass your half conscious spouse having woken them up from laughing.

LIP SYNCING

So here’s a peculiar one, Lindsay and I make an effort to take advantage of what time we get together, this of course means verbal communication, or talking. I say that in such a way because it literally involves things like eye contact, reaffirming head nods or hand gestures, even taking things as far to affirmatively repeating the previously stated objective… don’t kid yourself, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

But all jokes aside, I do enjoy our discussions, so this is where it gets weird.

I think it might be something all girls do, but usually just with pop sensations…

She lip syncs nearly everything I say during a conversation!?! And she has no idea she is doing it! Let me tell you a bit about that- you don’t get used to it, its strange right? And it’s not that it bothers me, but it’s noticeable… for sure. It only really gets awkward when I start re-lip syncing the same words watching her lips move and kind of forget who’s speaking….

THE DREADED ‘I TOLD YOU SO’

Now I know I am not alone with this one! Even ‘American Dad’ had an episode dedicated to the fowl concept. But unlike the comedy parody, this is no joke. I’m not sure if it’s bred into us, if we feel insecure about our partner gaining a one up on us or we simply just can’t be wrong. Whatever the case there are no nails sharp enough to drag across a chalk board that could compare to the slap in the ears when that short quip is uttered. Let’s face it though, it should happen more than it does, evidence of a loving wife is the less she says it when you begin to embrace for it, conjuring excuses and alternate reasoning’s for what had just transpired. ‘For the love of god I cannot let her get that fragment sentence in’ is all that races through the mind.

                Unfortunately, like I said before, we are all human and I am dealt another blow; as the patch of ceiling I was informed to tape now is smudged with paint; or the coffee table that would surly hold with some duct tape has now collapsed, or the credit card I cancelled somehow becomes a necessity, or the seemingly innocent notion of training my son to ride a bike without any training equipment had led to an injury, or allowing one of our infants to frolic without pants could lead to a mess, or involving our kids directly in kitchen work could lead to someone getting very hurt (me). I could go on but the tears are making it hard to type.

 

 

These are not things that I discredit my wife for, nor do I love her any less, in fact these are the things that make me love her so much more. These are just six of the many frustrating antics that remind me how great the simplicity of it all can be. One may say these are terrible things to speak of but for me, if I can relay these things on paper, laugh and know that I love her more than anything else in the world and know that she could write this same reversed topic into an encyclopedia reminds me that this is a life worth living; especially with my beautiful and talented wife and mother of my children.

I love you Lindsay Rae!

 

049

Speaking Out- For The Haters

lyndzeerae27:

I’m feeling a little brain dead lately my friends, so for now I will re-post this piece. Definitely my favorite Spoken Word I’ve done thus far…Maybe if I listen to it long enough I will get some inspiration for something great- And I can actually give you something new to feast your beautiful eyes on :)

Originally posted on The Blogging Mama:

I want to talk today

About judgment and hate

But my words come out

Unrelated and lame

Deflated, outdated, jaded

And maimed.

I want to talk about

Creating a day

Where we can forget

Hatred, discrimination and blame

But I realize today, that I cannot preach

Of issues like this I am not worthy to teach

Hypocrisy sullies  my world-weary reach

Since I too am a hater; my words have been breached.

I’m a hater of teens with their tits hanging out

Worried my own girl will take this same route

I’m hating on Photoshop and all of its tricks

Altering bods for just a quick fix

I hate the debates of vaccinations and kids

Stressed from the sickness

That once we had rid

I find hatred in media

Hatin’ on fakes

Pre-teen idols

Teaching my kids

To be flakes.

I’m hatin’ on Miley and of course on the Biebs

View original 300 more words

My 3 year old’s remedy for when you look like Sh*t

“Mama!” The sound of the word hits my frontal lobe like a sledgehammer drumming into fine china. I slowly turn my head towards the small child who is standing over me with snot hanging precariously from her left nostril. I can see that the substance is about to leave the smooth surface of the girls upper lip and drip directly onto my forehead…Yet I make no move to save myself.

Instead I will just let it happen.

Sophie has been deemed sick with an upper respiratory infection called Croup. Which I found out is a common infection being spread right now. The half day of researching I did told me this, after learning of this infliction from the family doctor. I was informed it would most likely heal itself, so here we are at home waiting for this thing to hit the road.

Somehow in the middle of it all I came down with a cold. Stuffy head, snotty nose, sore throat; the whole shebang. Maybe it is an offset of this Croup thing, I can’t be sure though since I cannot summon myself off the couch to Google whether or not adults can catch it.

I’m pretty sure it is a common cold, which brings me to my next query…

How is it that I- a 28 year old woman who has endured pneumonia, invasive procedures not to mention many a flu bug- is handling this cold so much worse than my fragile little human being who has only been on this earth for three short years and come down with this fairly serious respiratory infection?

There she is playing Barbie’s on the living room floor. The pure energy that exudes from her astounds me. She laughs wildly as ken doll falls head over teakettle off the makeshift cliff that has been constructed out of deconstructed cardboard boxes. The only hint of her sickness is the glazed over look in her eye, and the occasional barking cough.

She is not bed ridden. She is not fevered. And she is not shivering from cold sweats.

All things that are boundlessly peppering me as of this very moment.

20 minutes ago I felt as though I was going to keel over and die. 10 minutes ago I found myself lying on the couch wondering what it in fact felt like to die…Maybe I thought, I am going through the motions right here and now. I am dying.

This is something I was actually considering as I ignored the snot that dribbled out of my nose and onto the corner of my mouth. Now, I swap between a heavy blanket and nothing at all covering me…The deciding factor you ask? Well that would be whether or not I am sweating due to the extreme heat wave that has struck down upon this house or the sudden shakes from the fever chills I am experiencing intermittently.

Finally the girl’s slimy trail of mucus has landed on my brow and I look deeply into those eyes that hover over me. “Mama!” She says the words again- and again I wonder why she is able to function so easily when I am just surviving in this personal hell right now. My head begins to pound which tells me I am due for another round of Advil Cold & Flu. I don’t want to answer her, but I know that eventually I must; or else deal with the horrific yelps of an unattended three year old.

“Yes Sophie?” I manage to whisper at the child while wiping away all of the phlegm that has accumulated on and around my face from various origins.

The little girl begins to place her hand on my forehead, reminiscent of the way I usually check her temperature. She then starts stroking my hair in soothing circular movements. For a moment I forget it is my kid lulling me into this calm and close my eyes to give in to the niceness of it all. It is then when she says to me, “Mama, you look SICK!”

“Yeah I don’t feel good babe. How are you feeling?” I ask trying to still play the attentive mother.

“Mama you no worry ‘bout me. You way worse.” She says in her endearing three year old inflection.

And maybe it was an overdose of the Advil, or the butt-kicking cold, plausibly it was all of the snot- but I immediately start to bawl. “No Sophie, you are the one who is sick! I’m not sick- you are!”

I know it is time to give in and just let the illness take over when the girl says to me, “Mama, you look like ‘sit’ go to sleep.”

“Yeah babe,” I reply between snivels, “I feel like ‘sit’ I think I will take your advice on this one.”

10 Things You Need To Know Before Falling In Love With a Cook

1)      Zero tolerance of picky eaters- Whether it be your mutual friends or the offspring you will eventually procreate, your significant other will be no soft sally to the fact the people around you are turning their nose up to food.

You may hear terms from your cooking cohort like, “People around here just don’t know what good food is.” “All people want is burgers, how am I supposed to show my creativity with that?!” and my personal favorite, “Pub food is literally the bane of my existence.”

2)      Branded a poor shlum- Get used to people, branding you and your chef as the ‘poor ones’ because as everyone seems to know- there is absolutely no money in the cooking industry…Even though food is literally everywhere.

3)      That awkward over the shoulder glare- When whipping up a delectable meal for your cheffy, be prepared to constantly be watched. Whilst chopping veggies note the look of pure horror your lover has as they cringe at your less than perfect knife skills. Brace yourself for more than one ‘tip’ on what tastes blend nicely together and always allot time for the kitchen safety rules talk.

4)      Food sanitation deliberation- God forbid you leave the turkey out to thaw overnight…You will be chastised for weeks about the unsanitary awfulness that is you and your personal food prep skills. Always keep close at heart ‘first in first out’ rule and remember when stacking raw meats chicken is ALWAYS on the bottom. If any of these rules are forgotten you will likely never be allowed in your own kitchen again.

Which in all honesty wouldn’t be so terrible in the first place.

5)      “I just hate stupid people!!”- Upon falling in love with your chef you will quickly find out how absolutely idiotic other human beings in his/her preferred industry are.

Specifically, how if business owners would just listen to every single word that your S.O. was saying their business would no doubt flourish. Which brings me to the evening ritual of getting off work in an absolute rage, storming in the door and engaging in an hour bitch fest about how stupid people are.

How those stupid people infuriate your spouse so much and WHY OH WHY can’t everyone just listen to everything that he/she says about the culinary arts because they are undoubtedly right 100 percent of the time.

6)      The Servers-  There is always the constant reminder in the back of your mind that your S.O. is spending everyday with super-hot servers. In your head you think of your chef being an opinionated and arduous Gordon Ramsey , suave Jamie Oliver or suggestive Rachel Ray and all the boys and girls in the front house smitten over the edgy, rough, and oh so sexy chef.

But in all reality he/she is actually the guy in the back that is yelling fanatically due to extreme temperatures, dinging the bell a thousand times to try and get the attention of the servers you are so worried about, losing their cool over a missing case of chicken wings or making unfortunate sexual jokes that no one expect his/her fellow cooks find funny.

All in all, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

7)      The potty mouth- Maybe it is not just this profession, but in my experience cooks have the dirtiest mouths I have ever heard. If your partner is in fact of this vocation get use to the F-bomb flying free whenever the individual in question has the slightest need for the term. Also open your mind to jokes of a homosexual nature (and do not become over concerned when first hearing this, it is in your chefs DNA to conjure up these dirty witticisms.)

Get on board with the potty mouth, because it most likely isn’t going anywhere.

8)      “So does he always cook you the most delicious food?”- If you are the significant other of a chef you know this question well. Anytime you tell another human being that you are married to a professional cook they ask this infamous query and you are left to explain in an annoyed inflection that when your love is actually home at dinner time (which is an extremely rare occasion in the first place), cooking is usually not on thier list of to-do’s.

9)      Sayonara Mother’s day and Valentine’s day- The two busiest days in the restaurant business. Either get used to celebrating these occasions on a different date or not at all, because you aren’t seeing hide nor hair of your spouse in the 24 hours that surround these two hallmark holidays.

10)   For that matter say farewell to weekend BBQ’s and summer vacations- For the life of a cook summer is not a time for rest and relaxation. It means scorching hot temperatures in tiny kitchens, white out chit conditions, ornery drunks that want midnight fare and women who think everything should be gluten free in order for them to look great in their new bikini. Which means bye bye summer fun, hello grueling work conditions.

After reading this list of horrible and dreadful realities of loving a chef I’m sure you are asking yourself why? Why would anyone subject themselves to that occupation or for that matter, be with someone in that occupation?

Well I can’t speak for every spouse of a chef but my reasoning for loving a cook is that he is following his dreams.

I am serious.

No one in their right mind would do that kind of work if they didn’t love it. Of that I am quite positive. And I give my hubby chef a great amount of kudos to do what he loves and work towards a dream he has had for so very long.

All images courtesy of Google Image

Killer Crows and Diarrhea- The Worst Combo Imaginable

I’ve dabbled in the art of jogging for years now, but never committed myself long enough to get any kind of great form or stamina. But now that I no longer am a smoker I decided to delve back in, and become the jogger I’ve always wanted to be.

This time I promised myself I would stick with it through thick and thin.

The first few days went great. I did although realize I am not at my physical peak so instead of actual jogging I would ease myself into it with a fast paced walk. This seemed to suffice.

It was on the fourth day I ran into some problems. A flock of vicious demon birds, that the common folk refer to as crows, attacked me as I sped walked down their street. I was not aware that these feathered fuckers were territorial, but it didn’t take long after they began stalking and swooping me to figure it out.

What I can say about the black beasts is that they forced me out of my walking comfort zone and into the run I needed to engage to escape their terrifying talons and boisterous beaks.

I realized then, that I can run. I am actually a pretty great runner when need be.

I didn’t let the crows get to me though, the next morning I got up and started out again with a positive outlook and cheery smile. I had been running rather than fast paced walking and that brought my confidence as a newbie jogger up considerably. I was passing other joggers and giving the ol’ good morning nod and a smile. I was feeling victorious- I was sure that not even a bastard bird could bring me down at this point.

Everything was coming up Lindsay.

I was a decent ways away from my house when it hit me. That stomach churning, gut wrenching, intestine twisting feeling…I had to poop.

And it was not one of those easy to hold in until you get back to the house kind of BM’s, it was a- clearly you have some sort of flu bug because your rectum feels like it is about to projectile vomit kind of BM.

It is 5:30 in the morning because in usual circumstances I am a morning person, and love the fresh smell of morning dew when I fast pace walk. Unfortunately at this ungodly hour, there are no public restrooms open and I am in the middle of town, a good 20 minutes from home.

I turn around briskly, I’m going to be okay. I hop into a run but quickly realize that running is a terrible idea; only worsening the need to vacate my bowels. I resume my fast paced walk while clenching my buttocks so tight I celebrate in the fact I am getting a glutes workout in as well.

Now when I pass other joggers I only give them a quick sideways glance- I cannot focus on anything at this time, other than keeping what I can only assume is explosive diarrhea, in my body until I receive a toilet.

A cold sweat has covered the entirety of my epidermis, although this is not from the workout I’ve just pandered to. My heart pounds, my head aches, and the constant reminder that I have to shit pulsates in my throbbing nether region.

My eyes fog over with tears from the thought of vacating my bowels here on Main Street. Oh the humiliation it would cause!

I know it has gotten perilous when I start scoping out trees and discreet corners to relieve my crying out colon…But In the small part of my brain that is still thinking rationally I know that I must not poo on public property like a dog. I don’t even have a bag with me.

I finally make it to the path behind my house. I am on the home stretch now and if only I can hold…It…In…A…Little…Longer…

It is not until now that the pain of having to rid myself of the fecal is so intense I have to stop dead in my tracks. There is a town worker driving alongside the road watering the hanging baskets that dangle off the lamp posts. She is looking at me with an odd sort of stare. She slowly approaches me as I am doubled over desperately trying to hold in the shit that will soon start slowly trickling out of my sphincter.

She begins to say something but my blinders are on and all I am seeing is HOME. I uncurl myself and carry on, giving the worker a quick wave to shoo her away from me and my current predicament. I walk with surprising vigor as I now move upon two stiff unbending legs. At this point I am frightened that any loosey goosey crusade will give way to the torrent stream of diarrhea that I am so desperately trying to hold in.  Tears spill over my eyelids as another wave of stomach cramp comes on and my face contorts into a mash of astonishment and disbelief that this is actually happening to me.

As I reach the last stretch of the path I see the one thing that may actually make me full out discharge here and now. The crows. They are waiting for me. Blocking that last bit of path I must fast pace walk to get to my much needed locale of the bathroom.

They begin squawking at me. They begin swooping lower and lower with each dive made- I assume they are trying to outdo each other. Or attempting to ward me off with some kind of warrior crow pouncing ritual.

I realize that it is either me or them. If I let them get to me I will surely shit my pants, and if I try to find another route home I will surely shit my pants.

I MUST go through them.

So I make a run for it.

And as I sit safely on my toilet a single tear of joy dribbles down my cheek in celebration of not soiling myself on my run/fast paced walk home. I have not been scared away from running, only become more aware of the dangers that face the jogger each morning. And I will continue on, because as I said before, this is through thick and thin.

But I may just wait a few days until this flu bug passes.

Gossip- A New Realization

 

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Have you ever walked into a room to find the occupants go deadly silent whilst looking around awkwardly at each other, clearly trying to destroy the residual natter that has all too soon become painfully obvious was about you?

Let’s face it, it has happened to all of us at least once. More than once for me. But I suppose that’s karma for a self-admitted gossiper. I’m not bragging about this fact, I’m just stating it for what it is- a fact.  In the past I have found myself hanging lovingly off each dirty secret told about another and chomping at the bit to get out in this big bad world and spread my new-found treasure-talk to anyone who will pin their ears back to listen.

Oh how I loved the gossip, it was like a sick addiction that sustained my confidence and held all of my insecurities at bay. Because really, if others had these ridiculous, embarrassing, dreadfully sad and unfortunate things happening to them that I could talk about behind their backs then it constantly seemed like my life was doing okay.

Odd reasoning I suppose now that I take a broader look at it, but the psyche wants what it wants- who am I to argue?

So I didn’t, and my consuming and spreading of chatter and chinwag continued- only growing more fierce and gruesome with each tale spewed from my murky little mouth. I got out of control. People knew me for my gossiping ways and believe me when I tell you that that is not a pretty light to be in.

My closest friends would want to tell me something but would have to endure a painstakingly long preface of promises that I wouldn’t repeat what I was about to hear. (Longer I can assure you than the norm for such conversations.) Two different family members on two different occasions came to me for advice but before explaining their plight to me said the exact same words, “Linds, you are great to talk to but you have such a big mouth…So you have to swear you won’t say anything about this to anyone…”

I would notice my kids overhearing my blather, listening intently to the cruel words I would say in regards to names they surely knew. My husband began to ignore me when I would speak out in my hogwash ways. Me, oblivious to the fact that he had no urge to listen to the drivel coming out of my mouth, just getting my kicks in alleviating the need to talk about another human being.

I began eavesdropping in on conversations to get a juicy tidbit of info that could later be evacuated into my circle of people. Or I would straight up butt into conversations asking who in fact ‘we’ are talking about.

It was a few months ago when I began to notice a shift. This shift came in such a monumental way but at the time seemed small and insignificant. Now I could not be more relived of it.

I walked into a room and upon entering received the deadly silence. The individuals who sat there looked at me in their guilty yet feigning innocence kind of way but I knew what was happening instantly. I played it cool, pretended I forgot something I left almost as quickly as I entered.

I went in that room wanting to share some piece of delicious chatter about something or other but as I left the urge to info-spit had left me.

Over the next few months I began to note things a little more closely. Things like a friend walking in on an argument between my husband and I…And I wondered if that would be the next rumour to feed the streets of our small town. Or running into an acquaintance at the grocery store and noting their glance at my thighs and I imagined the words, “God Lindsay Brown has got fat these days…” flooding over the lips of the people I once called friend.

It finally occurred to me that if I can talk so easily about others, why wouldn’t they be doing so about me too?

I can’t say that I have completely stopped gossiping, and I won’t try to come up with excuses as to why. But I can tell you that I am making a conscience effort to control these evil conversational ways. I have come to this point in my life that I realize it simply isn’t worth it. If I have something to say, that must be said, I will say it to your face. Everything else, the things that mean less than nothing, I will keep to myself.

Because these days, I would like to think, I have much better things to talk about than how fat whatshername has got. These days, I would like to think I have become a lot more intelligent than that.

What’s FAT Got To Do With It?

When you are a twelve year old girl some of the most hurtful words that can be thrown your way are fat and ugly. Now imagine you are that 12 year old girl, and it is somebody you are supposed to trust that calls you something along these lines.

When I was at this ripe impressionable age I attended a family dinner at my grandparents’ house. At some point throughout supper my grandpa announces to everyone at the table how fat he feels I am becoming.

I was stunned, speechless, and most of all hurt.

In that moment I wanted to scream words of hate towards him. I wanted to run away and burry myself in the towering spruce trees in the back yard never to have judging eyes look upon me again. And I wanted to cry. The latter felt the most plausible and just before the stunned moment of disbelief ended and the waterworks began my auntie came to my rescue. She patted her father on his very robust belly and replied to his jest in a similarly insensitive tone, “Oh Dad, I wouldn’t be talking if I were you!”

The occupants of the table began to laugh, to which I joined in on tentatively, and soon all was forgotten. Well forgotten by my family that is. As for the twelve year old girl sitting at that kitchen table, it would take a very long time to learn how to grow a healthy self-confidence.

Now in present days, I try not to think in terms of fat and skinny. I want to see healthy people. I want to see people eating well balanced meals, being active, and having an overall happy outlook on life. So obviously this is how I would like to raise my children. I am not so naïve to think their self-assurance will not waver in times of adolescents and of course the high school years. But I do want to ardently try to assure it is not from their family, the people who love them most, which they begin to question their confidence.

Recently Sophie has been losing some of her baby fat. I have noticed from several family members that they will say to her, “Oh Sophie! You are looking so skinny.” As if this is some kind of badge of honor. She is three for god sakes!

I’ve seen mothers at the grocery store telling their daughters that they cannot buy the chips in aisle 3 because that will make them fat. And I ask myself why does the word fat have to be brought into it? Teach those babes that it is best to be healthy, because that will leave us with longer and more promising lives.

There are women I know that are stressing themselves out over how much fat and sugar their toddlers are eating, not because of the unnatural by-products of the item, but because of the high amount of calories it contains. And then to completely top it off, I will nonchalantly ask these women what in fact the definition of a calorie is…And they cannot seem to conjure up an answer.

By continuously preaching to our children or in front of our children on all the dreadfulness that is FAT and UGLY we are preconditioning them to a lifetime of faltering self-esteem and unhealthy life choices.

I tell my son he is handsome because he most definitely is, but I certainly do not leave it at that. He is bright, funny and one hell of a great dancer! My daughter is not only beautiful but she is hilarious and is a great story teller, which will be infinitely useful in later years… (Take it from me!)

I look at my precious children of 5 and 3 and do not want to do anything to them in these young years to cause a future filled with hardships due to low self-esteem and backwards values of worth in this world.

So instead of priding Sophie on how skinny she has become I will give her a high five when she eats all her veggies. I will pride Lars on his love of the outdoors and encourage him to spend many hours exploring nature.

I will teach my kids that looks DO NOT come before personality, despite what many cynical critics of today may say.

I grew up with tainted ideas of beauty and self-worth and I know the struggles I stressed with in living with these insane ideals. I have only just recently found out what it is I truly value in life and that is health and happiness.

And that is what I want my children to live by from their very beginning.

They call him Dad

He told you that you’re strong and beautiful. He said all of the things you wanted to hear in that excruciating moment and yet still felt saddened that he could not take your pain away. He held your hand, stroked your back, and kissed your forehead while whispering his love for you and your unborn child.

And after an eternity, you had your baby.

You had thought of yourself as Mom from the first faint fluttering’s in your belly so many months ago. You connected instantly with that baby and grew that bond for nine months while nurturing him from within.

His father did not get that opportunity.

He could not feel that beautiful life that grew inside you, but instead worried endlessly about what kind of a Dad he would become. He did not find relief in ‘counting kicks’ during the daytime hours but rather found himself nerve-racked over the wellbeing of his unborn babe.

So when you saw him standing beside you in that meager hospital room, with his baby bundled neatly in his arms- the way he stood so tall, the way his pride swelled, you realized you were witnessing in him the same feeling you had been experiencing for months now. And this was the moment the father of your children truly became Dad.

From that point on this man they call Daddy, continues to surprise you.

Sometimes you wonder why you were so lucky to receive such an outstanding person to father your kids. A man that will sprawl out on his daughter’s bedroom floor to play princesses and ponies. A man that can build a train track or a tower better than anyone you’ve ever met. A man that finds joy in teaching his children about anything they may ask of him. A man that is kind and intelligent and thoughtful and unselfish, and will pass these qualities onto your offspring.

You don’t know why you were blessed to meet this person who would later become the father of your children. This person who has helped and will continue to help shape your children for the rest of your lives!

This person who will sometimes work 12 hour days to assure his family is healthy and happy. This person whose face lights up when entering a room that holds his kids and openly talks about the ultimate love he has for these special little humans in his life.

Every day you see small moments revealing why he is such an outstanding father. Whether it be sneaking into the children’s rooms when coming in from work, long after they have fallen asleep to give them a hug and a kiss. Or when you catch him telling his friends a story about what his daughter did ‘the other day’ but as he laughs you can see the absolute love in his eyes as he speaks of her.

When he says things like, “You guys get over here and give me a cuddle! I don’t get to hang out with you nearly enough.” Even though he spends almost every waking moment he can with his babes.

There has been many a day when you feel overlooked, neglected, and ignored as Mom. You sometimes feel sorry for yourself and think you deserve more credit for what you do. And most likely you are right!

But today you realize there is someone else who also does not receive credit where credit is due- while never complaining once about it.

He keeps his family happy, and propels them forward. He thinks of them before himself. He is understanding even when angry and will try fervently to ‘fix’ any problem that faces a member of his brood. He is a protector, a defender, a warden and a bodyguard. He knows what unconditional love is and practices it daily.

His name to them is Dad, and he is simply amazing.

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Stubbing Out my Dirty Little Secret

My eyes pop open easily, I have no trace of a headache from the few beers I indulged in the night before. I skip…Yes SKIP to the bathroom and take a look in the mirror. My eyes are bright, there are no thin red lines tracing through the whites of them. My skin does not have a haggard look that I cannot quite put my finger on, but instead glows and I notice less pockmarks overall.

I take a poop. Yep, there is no waiting for stimulants this fine morning. Feel the urge, get er’ done.

I smile and hug my kids upon entering the kitchen where they wait for breakfast. I have no angst of ‘need’ heaping up in the bottom of my gut, so instead I ask my darling children how their sleep was…And I listen to their beautiful little voices.

I too eat breakfast! A piece of multigrain bread, half an avocado, a banana, and a bit of yogurt. I savor the food, I take my time to eat it- tasting all of the flavors mingling together in my untainted mouth. And I realize I enjoy eating without the pressure of ‘having to get outside’ continuously creeping on the outskirts of my mind.

I then brew myself a cup of Joe and am ecstatic to realize how wonderful the stuff tastes when it is not accompanied by the putrid taste of a cigarette.

Because once I came to the realization that smoking is gross (an epiphany that took me 15 years to actually grasp) I began to see the shit for what it is really worth…NOTHING.

Now I know at this point, many of you may well be drawing your mouse up to the right hand corner of the screen to exit out of this stupid anti-smoking post. You don’t need anyone telling you how to live your life. It is your choice to smoke, and you certainly don’t need to be berated about it over the internet!

I agree with you. Well at least I would have been doing the exact same fleeing thing only a few weeks ago. I would silently tell this blog post to fuck right off, go sit on my deck and lite up a ciggy. I would then stew over the fact that everyone tries to tell me what to do, and it is all such a load of bullshit! And then I would probably lite up another one just to calm down a bit more.

Smoking had always been my dirty secret. From a time when I was teenager young and would dive frantically behind bushes to avoid Mama seeing me smoking on Main-street. That was a period when we hid smoking from our parents but bragged openly about our addiction to society. Nowadays it seems that we simply hid it from everyone.

When I got pregnant with my daughter I actually thought I had kicked the nasty. I was smoke free for over a year and a half. It is not until now though that I can admit to myself that during that time I still secretly envied those around me who continued to suck the stuff into their lungs. I loved seeing them inhale that bluish gray smoke and oh so badly wanted that feeling for myself.

It was just before my wedding date that I started up again. It was a super stressful time, there were just so many parties around then, I couldn’t risk putting on weight before the wedding… There were a thousand and one reasons to start up again. So I did.

I kept quiet about my re-entrance into the smoking world and for a long time only my soon to be husband knew about my clandestine ways. My relationships began to break apart with family as they could not understand why I was always sneaking off in solitary. Finally when the actual wedding in Mexico commenced it was not even 10 minutes after the ceremony that I ran off by myself to have a sneaky smoke.

Life went on like this for a long time. Crawling into dingy corners to receive my nicotine fix, hiding in the shadows to suck back a fast one. Cramming into tight little boxes at the zoo, shoulder to shoulder with strangers bitching about how society treats smokers like animals these days.  But in reality the animals looked a lot better off than we did.

Then it happened, a short time ago I was introduced to Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I read the book in about 5 hours, endured a few life changing insights and completely transformed the way I viewed cigarettes.

And I can say that I am changed.

I feel rejuvenated, where in past attempts to quit I had felt drained.

I feel confident not only in my resolution to stop smoking but also in my personal gain from the experience.

I feel better physically therefor I look better. I carry myself higher and speak with an unwavering poise- something I am not positive I had as a smoker.

I can wholeheartedly say I feel jubilant!

I have yet to experience a moment of panicky fear wondering how I will go on without cigarettes. Because, completely thanks to Allen Carr’s method I now know the answer to that question…

I will simply go on so much better than I was before!

I could sit here all day expressing my swooning love for Allen Carr and his wondrous ways, but eventually people may begin to think I am a bit of a nut case or in fact hired by the celebrated Allen to up-sell (not that it needs it) this oh so awe inspiring book! So instead I will leave you with this;

For any of you out there who use nicotine products and have that little voice inside of you quietly whispering the possibility of life without it, please PLEASE go get yourself a copy of this book. I promise if you read his words and follow his insanely easy instructions you can and will stop smoking.

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It was not too long ago that I told myself I didn’t want to quit smoking because I genuinely liked to do it…

Now, it amazes me that I could have ever said something like that.  

Blogging Mama Archives- The Usurper

Today I’m re-posting a post I wrote about a year ago because unfortunately this problem of mine has not yet been remedied! This is for all the parents who have been taken over by the toys!!! 

 

 

It is amazing how quickly a seemingly insignificant object can begin to rule one’s life. In this instance we will see how some small play toys of a couple innocent children can completely throw this mother over the edge into utter insanity… 

The hour is early, the moon still hangs luminously on its perch in the bluing sky. My body aches from the cleaning regime I pandered to yesterday.

How the maintenance sticks close to me. The toys, the gunk that was stuck vehemently on the wall; that of which its origin I could not decipher. The ground-in food on the carpet, but mostly, mostly the toys…Oh how I rue those toys, and the fact they have taken over any once of sanity I may have had left.

The contamination began long ago, from a time when breastfeeding and swaddling were the biggest concerns on my ‘to-do’ list. How could I have known that they would take hold and from that point on, my life would succumb to these scheming playthings?

I could not have known, because that is how they get you…They make their way in, never letting on of their plans to take over; their plans to surmount the place in which you live.

Today I write with quick thoughts and rapid words, as even now in this time when the morning sun meets the fading moon, they are coming. Soon they will surround me, just waiting…Waiting. Waiting.

And as they infiltrate my manicured home, they mock me with their eager stare. Their antics- although different every day are always contemptuous, always boorish. Today they tell me in their indiscreet technique, ‘We’ve won Lindsay, we have won. Never again will you know the delight of clutter-free floors. We have your children trained to bring us to your place of solitude. We are the usurpers of spotlessness and oh how we have dominated this home!’

They have allied with the children and I feel as though I’ve lost a battle that I truly never stood a chance at. My worst fears now come to head as I dread their intellect is rapidly increasing. Soon they will realize it is only a matter of time until the children find their leaving these play toys sprawled around habitual. Never to clean up after themselves again!

The thought terrifies me. I try to think back upon the beginning of this infection, the beginning of the end.  No memory comes. Have the toys wiped my memory of those first pivotal moments in which my parenting failed?

I pray the answer is no, because now, at this time my thoughts are the only thing I have left…The only thing I can cling too in these times of upheaval.

I need sanctuary…”SANCTUARY!”

I stealthily move towards the outside area of my home. There I can enjoy the beauty of nature and release the unease of this disparaging place of muddle. There I can enjoy my gardens, there I can breathe in the beauty of fresh air, the wholeness of space without those toys…Those damned toys…

“NO! Nooooo.”

They, like always are one step ahead of me. The back yard is sullied with playthings. Toy tractors litter the patio stairway, mini colorful shovels and rakes vilify my garden, water guns, tricycles and a large square playhouse wait upon my lawn silently laughing at me since today is mowing day. It is like they knew, they knew I yearned for asylum and now have taken the last place I could take refuge.

I admit defeat.

Soon they will have bombarded my life in such a way I will lay unmoving on the floor, surrounded by my adversaries. They will take me over in their scornful approach, whilst laughing inaudibly at my will-less way.

Today is the end for me friends, but for any of you parents who have yet to feel the wrath of these devious toys, please heed my words;

Take hold of your home before they do! Do not let them destroy your place of rest. They move quickly, without warning and will occupy without a moment’s notice. Know the signs, and feel their presents and with some luck you will be able to stop this dreadful infliction, before it has begun.

And for all of you whom have already been taken by the toys, know this…You are not alone. And one day, with strident hope, we will take back what is rightfully ours.

 

Drinking Gin and Making Flower Beds

 

Well it’s that time of year again my friends, the gardening season is in swing and The Blogging Mama has been busy! Today I will be giving you a sweet and simple tutorial on how to construct a flower bed out of the squalid conditions that is the drab and droll side of your house as well as some handy tips on how to keep your garden blooming bright.

First off let me elaborate on what in fact we will be working with today…

DUH DUH DUH! Oh for the love of God, how boring, how lackluster, how dreadfully tiresome this side of the house looks!
DUH DUH DUH! Oh for the love of God, how boring, how lackluster, how dreadfully tiresome this side of the house looks!

Step 1 in creating a wondrous new flower bed:

Assure you have excellent tools to work with.

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Step 2  in creating a wondrous new flower bed:  

Use a garden hose to trace out the perimeter of what you would like your new bed to look like. Unfortunately I do not have a picture of this because the ingenious idea to make this into a blog post did not come to me until later in my quest. Never the less it is not difficult just trace that shit out.

Step 3 in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Once mapping out what glorious shape you would like your bed to be, begin edging it with an edger or flat head shovel. Again I do not have picture but I can assure you this is the easy part. Simply dig into the sod along your outline. It’s not rocket science.

Step 4  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Now comes the exhausting part. Hopefully you have a good set of pipes on ya because this shit is going to need some muscle power. Begin ripping the sod out in strips. It will be heavy, and you WILL find some creepy crawly creatures under the surface.

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Step 5  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Mourn the dead lady bug you find in the soil.

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Step 6  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Get over it and move forward. Continue to rip sod out while simultaneously searching for earthworms. They are great little critters to have in the flower beds as they do wonders for the soil.

Thank you wormy for being such a great contributor to this new wondrous flower bed.
Thank you wormy for being such a great contributor to this wondrous new flower bed.

Note: Allow your hands to really get in there and feel the soil…You wont be sorry you did (until later in the evening when you are attempting to scrub the dirt from under your nails cursing the fact that you did not wear gloves while constructing your wondrous new flower bed). 

Get the children involved in the worm searching process. Kids have some kind of weird sonar for those slimy buggers.

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Finally come to the realization that it is odd that you are so accepting of worms…When these dudes just make your skin crawl.

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Step 7  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Use edging to assure grass will not travel back into your new wondrous flower bed. $T2eC16hHJFoE9nh6qS4YBRCS9OqC+!~~60_35

Line the outskirts of the bed with this while mounding soil against it so it does not move out of place.

Unfortunately edging does not work as well as the ‘MAN’ would like us to think, so you will more than likely still have to weed your garden of grass and junk.

Add fresh top soil and compost to the bed to guarantee a garden full of nutrients and glory.

Step 8  in creating a wondrous new flower bed: 

Have a momentary nervous breakdown when you realize you still have to place the rocks for your border around the bed. But instead of throwing a hysterical tantrum on your front lawn where all your neighbors can see you and will assume you are headed to the nut house sooner rather than later…

 

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Pull up your big girl panties and gather the fucking rocks. Then place them strategically around your flower bed in an aesthetic manner.

Step 9  in creating a wondrous new flower bed:

Attempt to ignore the searing pain that has now encompassed the entirety of your lower back. To take your mind off this heinous throbbing decide to choose what type of flowers you would enjoy in your new wondrous flower bed.

I chose 4 foot Hosta's to fill up the space to create a spectacle of awe when one will glance down my once dreary house side.
I chose 4 foot Hosta’s to fill up the space to create a spectacle of awe when one will glance down my once dreary house side.

Keep in mind your garden may not look full right off the hop but it does not take long for those plants to take flight and soon you will be swimming in a treasure trove of foliage and flowers.

Voilà, and there you have it! Your wondrous new flower bed. 

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And I almost forgot, step number 10 in creating your wondrous new flower bed…

A nice STRONG Gin and tonic to finish the job.

I deserve this...I am just so damn awesome.
I deserve this…

 

For more wondrous flower beds created by The Blogging Mama…Just keep scrolling!

Shade garden under the steps of the deck with Fiddle-head Ferns.
Shade garden under the steps of the deck with Fiddle-head Ferns.
Bleeding Heart
Bleeding Heart
Front door decor (boy howdy am I ever clever)
Front door decor (boy howdy am I ever clever)
Mint in a pot
Mint in a pot

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A rock garden I recently had to redo as some advised me it resembled a large penis with an over-sized scrotum...Needless to say I will be thinking more closely when it comes to my design ideas from now on.
A rock garden I recently had to redo as some advised me it resembled a large penis with an over-sized scrotum…Needless to say I will be thinking more closely when it comes to my design ideas from now on.
The fix job...Some still say it looks like a penis only now proportionate with the ball-sack but sliced halfway down the shaft.  I say, you can't please everyone!
The fix job…Some still say it looks like a penis only now proportionate with the ball-sack but sliced halfway down the shaft by a fence.
I say, you can’t please everyone.

And on that note I will bid you all farewell and hope you enjoyed my terrible tutorial skills on how to make a wondrous new flower bed for your yard or anyplace for that matter.

Remember practice makes perfect so get out there and start tearing up some grass!

 

Irrational Fears- The Day the Bird Almost Stole my Soul

“Everyone has irrational fears right?” This is what I was saying aloud to myself as I stared into the beady eyes of my long-time nemesis- The Bird.

I credit this ghastly photo to Google Image
I credit this ghastly photo to Google Image

There we were in a standoff. Both of us under the red wooden planks of the deck. Me searching for flower pots, the bird readying himself to surely attack from his perch atop an old piece of wood haphazardly thrown down there. I was too far into the 5 foot high burrow to run…

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And the sudden movement would likely cause the beast to swoop and obstacles surrounded me (including numerous beer boxes) hindering my quick escape path.

Instead I armed myself with a nearby gardening fork and began screaming bloody murder in hopes it would frighten this foul cousin of a fowl to take flight in the opposite direction.

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Its minuscule kangarooing head gave no illustration that it was even slightly scathed by my outburst. No it just continued to twitch in its unnatural way while looking side to side in the small locale we currently shared.

The flower pots, to my defeat, were on the other side of the bird’s perch. I decided the wisest approach would be to exit the facility and move around to the other side of the deck where there is a smaller opening. Though having to crouch uncomfortably to wedge myself in, I would be closer to my prize and not have to cross the blasted birdie to reach the pots.

As I entered the secondary entry way I was relieved to see I was within arm’s reach of my target. Unfortunately though I glanced up while stretching my arm towards the pots (not wanting to enter into the area any more than I had to) and there to my devastation was that GOD DAMN BEADY EYED SON OF A BITCH, he had turned himself around and for a second time was staring right through my very humanity.

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What kind of sick and twisted universe had I entered into where the birds control the humans? Where was the morality? And why had this fresh hell hammered down upon me, right here, right now? All I wanted was some friggen flower pots to plant my petunias.

I was frozen with fear.

I knew that any quick movement may result in a flock of feathers swooping my head. Just the thought of its tiny talons touching my scalp or god forbid it’s piercing beak pecking my face open was enough to paralyze me for the rest of my days.

So it continued to stare me down. It knew what it was doing, it knew it had me in its gruesome grips. It almost seemed to do a bit of a jig on the rotten piece of ply-board it sat upon. Silently parading the power it had over me in a flippant sort of way.

I knew I had to break free of its sorcery!

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If I couldn’t do it for myself I HAD to do it for my children. I cannot let them grow up experiencing the same kind of crippling fear.

So with every bit of might I’m sure I possessed accompanied with a He-woman war cry…

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I lunged forward to grab my flower pots, while crouching short- so not to get knocked out from the low overhang of the deck and get pecked to death anyways- I slithered my way out of the small space.

Once in the open expanse of my back yard I cried a shout of utter exhilaration while thrusting the pots above my head in an act of triumph!

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I had done it, I conquered and prevailed in my quest and I was feeling enraptured!

And in a small twist of fate, only moments later I saw the chickadee fly out from its dwelling and soar up into the sky. And I realized maybe…Just maybe that chickadee was sent here to assist me in overcoming just one of my irrational fears.

Thank you chickadee, you may never know what you truly did for me today, but will always stay close (but not too fucking close) to my heart.

 

Stay tuned for more segments of Irrational Fears such as The Day the Beaver Almost Bit off My Beaver or The Day the Lawnmower Nearly Decapitated Me as well as one of my personal favorites The Day I was positive I was pregnant again (A monthly occurrence)

We Are So Much More

We may not be warriors but we wear a suit of armour

Made of sweet smiles and selective hearing

To guard against moments of hasty jeering

Peering eyes have chastised us by

Quietly saying all the things we are doing wrong as ‘Mom’

They try to shred us apart, one mishap at a time

But what once would scathe us, now we scoff

And slides off the shield we grew when becoming Mom

 

We may not be soldiers but we strategize like a son of a bitch

We can fix a wound with a Band-Aid and a light kiss

Fold laundry, make dinner, and plan a holiday all simultaneously

We make time for coffee and friendships

Wield households and chaperone field-trips

We oversee homework and chores

While acting as the mediator in the sibling wars

And we were not born, with this super human ability to multitask

No it just unmasked like an atomic bomb-

When we became Mom

 

We may not be fighters but our strength exceeds

Far past what you may see

We have housed human beings inside our bellies,

Ripped our vagina’s open to receive them

Or had a knife cut clean through our abdominal cavity

And yet still came out of it smiling.

Rivalling with each other over who had the most gruesome time delivering

And our hearts swell when we think of these little beings

That forced us to find the fight to free them instinctively.

Because we are Mom.

 

We may not be famous artists, but we teach our kids

It’s smartest, to color outside of the lines

We are the destroyers of boogeymen and things that go bump in the night

We fight all that’s wrong and edify all that’s right

This thing called love, we have it down to an art

And we know that this is the part- we were always meant to play

I say, we are the architects for this upcoming generation

A vocation filled with fascination, creation and stimulation.

An occupation worthy of jubilation!

We are the draftswomen for visions of the future

We are the producers of the good and virtuous

And we are courteous in our purposes

Never boasting of our worthiness

 

So you see for all the things we may not be, we are so much more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a Fast Life We Live

There are so many things I could be doing right now, things I should be doing right now. Unloading the dishwasher, hanging the clothes to dry, weed whipping, tidying all of the random toys from the living room…And the list truly goes on and on. And yet I do none of it.

No instead I sit on my deck with the sun beating down on me and a coffee in hand, reflecting on my life.

I think about how the kids have grown, how the struggles I face now with them were only distant imaginings only a few years prior. I think about this blog and my column and how at one point in my life I never imagined myself being able to accomplish something like this. And I think about my husband. The man who many moons ago was just a boy who I desperately loved yet bringing our relationship to achievement was a task that never seemed simple.

Now years later, as the house sits messy, the gardens need tending, and the children run rampant – high from the sugary popsicles I’ve just given them, I couldn’t be happier.

It makes me think of all the moments I’ve taken for granted in life. The times in which should have been documented through words or photographs taken. It makes me realize that life does move quickly and before we know it these children will be moving towards a future they won’t realize will pass so swiftly. And finally it makes me understand how I truly want to live the rest of this life of mine. 

Recently I have come to recognize a few things. Things that maybe I have always known but were just too immature to place into effect. Things that I now realize will undoubtedly make life better, happier.

I realize that I don’t care about the negative opinions of others. I am happy, I am self-assured, and I am strong and able- so why would it matter if some do not agree that I am? It doesn’t.

Life will not stop, I will not falter and fail if people do not accept me for who I am, for the person who I am proud to be.

I realize that dwelling will do nothing but make me sick with stress.

Throughout my life I have had this bad habit of dwelling on conversations I have with people. Whether it be an inappropriate conversation, an ill-at-ease one, confrontational or otherwise, for days later I will sit and think, “I should have said this…” or “I can’t believe they were that ignorant to say that to me” or “what did I do to them to deserve such a rude remark?”

I realize that maybe some people have a difficult time engaging in an intelligent conversation and these fowl remarks made nonchalantly are just their way of letting others know that they truly have nothing better to say. So why on this beautiful plain we call earth would I let such people rouse me? It is insanity on my part! And truly, I should have much greater things to occupy my mind with than their ignorant dribble. And I have realized, I do!

I realize that this body image epidemic we face today will probably only get worse and I have decided I will not be a part of it. I will not tell my children how ‘fat’ I am. I will not count their calories or mine. I will not put them or myself on diets but instead clarify healthy eating habits and teach them about moderation. I will not value myself or my daughter by the number on the scale and I will never allow anyone to speak like this in front of my children.

I realize that for so long I have been bullied into submission when it comes to conformity and I wonder why I’ve allowed myself to self-sacrifice?

I realize that my children are not mine, but their own. I will accompany them in their young years and help grow them into upstanding adults. I will do everything in my power to help them achieve greatness- whatever that may entail for them. But the most enlightening thing I have realized about these small individuals is that I am indeed Mom. And what I feel is best for them, is right. I can take the opinions of others lightly, but in the end, I am Mom.

So as I sit on this beautiful sun shining day I think about all of the awesome (and I mean that in the literal sense) realizations I’ve come to and it feels so lovely.

Life certainly does move fast. One day you will be dreaming of a perfect future and the next you realize you are running right through it. So why not make your realizations early in life? Figure out what rules you want to live by, and live by them well. Understand how to be good and moral, how to be genuine and beautiful in your own eyes. Learn how to make this life something your children will be ecstatic to follow you in.

I realize now that I do not want anyone to live my life for me. After all it’s a fast one- and I don’t want to miss out on one single thing.

A Letter of Love to my Husband

My Dearest Jamie,

You have been away for only half a fortnight and yet my heart soars with the thought of your arrival home this eve.

The trials of angst I’ve suffered since your departure have been lengthy and I yearn for your sweet embrace. Upon your leave, thoughts of grandeur hung listlessly in my mind as I assumed your absence would be an easy weight to bear seeing as how I would only be 10 days in your lack.

Oh how I was wrong my darling.

The first five days were sufferable as the children and I spent the time supping with my parents, however thoughts of you continued to sully my mind. And it was not until our daughter fell ill on the fifth day that I realized my folly in thinking your excursion would be an easy thing to endure.

Mother is keeping the boy as a temporary charge while I attempt to nurse the girl back to health. I suppose in a way it is a good thing that I’ve been kept so busy with fostering wellbeing into our daughter as I have had little time to dwell on your nonattendance. Yet as always your image dances lightly in the back of my mind and this I can assure you is no jest. 

Again as I write this note, my heart skips several beats when I think of your coming home. I have begun cleansing this place yet my efforts have been for naught. Each time I scour the carpets to an acceptable state the girl sullies them again with another bought of vomit. I fear the stench has lingered.

On the day preceding this, I stubbed my toe in a hurried state. It hurt like a bitch but I had no time to feel the pain and instead suffered through it. Today I fear I’ve broken the bone. The toe in question has swelled and turned the color of an eggplant’s skin. The injury, although painful, has not festered and for that I am thankful.

The nights have been long without you dear Jamie, and I fear sleep has not come easily deprived of you by my side. I will roll over in my sleepy state to spoon you in the wee hours of the morning only to find a three year old in your stead. This I concede does not suffice when looking for a strong body for warmth and security in the midnight hours. And I distress to tell you that here too, on your side of the bedstead, she has retched…Again the pong of it is unrelenting.

Our son returns home today in anticipation of your arrival and I have much do to for the event as well.

Despite the hardships that have befallen me in your absenteeism I have learnt some valuable lessons- first of which is that you and I James Alexander Jefferson Brown beat from a heart of one. Being apart from you has shown me the lengths in which my love for you wheels and how life would be indolent without you.

Two- I have learnt that vomit is the wretchedness that steals life from the soul and how utterly god awful it is to remove it remnants from the homestead. It loiters with an uneasy prowess.  

And finally three- too much reading of ‘Game of Thrones’ will result in outlandish letters of love and loss from yours truly and the innate knowledge that I may need to take leave from the series in question as I have begun speaking aloud in such dialect.

I hope your travels from across the pond find you safely home and if you hadn’t realized I wholly look forward to seeing your handsome face once more.

Until this beautiful eve my dear husband and with loving thoughts,

Your awaiting wife,

Lindsay